I Didn't Expect That

It's been a while since I wrote anything...exactly one year to date. Turns out, I've been a bit busy raising a little human for the past 365 days. So far, so good! I've only accidentally hurt him a few times. There was the fan incident, the time I was eating a sandwich and offered him a bite, oh and let the record show, he has fallen off the bed under my watch.

Honestly, I don't even know where to start with this one.

With my last post I kinda, sorta, accidentally wished him out a bit early...about a month earlier than expected. Oops. My water broke in the middle of the night and 16 hours later, he was there! He spent about 9 days in the NICU. I have a new respect for the parents of my patients.



All-in-all my birthing experience was great. I'm thankful for that because I know it can go awry all too often. I'm going to try to keep this as real as possible without getting too gross. There are a few things from being a new mom that I didn't expect.

I didn't expect SO much amniotic fluid/"water." 

I didn't expect 16 hours of pain to feel like it flew by.





I didn't expect so much pain when I peed...I actually had to breathe through it like contractions. Sorry! No more birthing details but first-time mothers need warned!

I didn't expect to feel so lonely after all was said and done. It was late the night of his birth. I had no roommate, Eddie had gone home for the night, and they had taken Baby Eddie to the Neonatal ICU. My room was empty, my belly was empty, and crib next to me was empty. For 9 months I hadn't been alone-alone. I swear I felt him kick that night and the next morning...probably just my organs going back to their original places...but weird.




I didn't expect to cry when he cried. He had to be stuck multiple times for blood draws and for IV fluids. During one of his last blood draws they needed a venous sample and as I held him and tried to calm him tears began to well up in my eyes. I was one of "those moms." I think I'll blame it on the hormones. I'm tougher than that!



I didn't expect to cry so much because of breastfeeding. Way too much at first changed to worry if he was getting anything at all. Oh, the uncertainties! 



I didn't expect to feel slightly panicky when he's not with me. I know my mother-in-law likes to be alone with him. I can also tell when she's trying to shoo me away. It usually has to do with his feeding schedule and I hate the thought of him needing me and me not being there. Although, it has gotten better as the months have passed.

Similarly, I didn't expect to feel Mama Bear anger so soon. When Eddie was just a few weeks old, we went to a friend's birthday party. Eddie was in his stroller a few feet away from me while I was dancing on the dance floor. His stroller was next to our table where a few of our friends were still sitting. One of our guy friends said he would keep and eye on the baby and let me know when he starts to wake up. I kept turning around to check on him and to make sure he was still sleeping. I knew he would wake up hungry soon. Each time I turned around the guy told me everything was fine and to go back to dancing. Until the one time I came to peek in his stroller and the man placed his two fingers on my bottom lip and pushed me back from the stroller ...  I don't recall ever wanting to punch a grown man in the face so badly in my life. Rage filled my body. I actually felt my face flush. And strangely enough, there was no doubt in my mind that I could knock him out with one punch too. The anger made me so confident that I could go fisticuffs with a man twice my size. Luckily, I was able to get it together and I simply told him he was annoying me (in not so nice Russian words). I pushed the stroller outside to cool off a bit. Word to the wise, never push a mom away from her baby. Don't. Do. It.

I didn't expect to co-sleep. Eddie has a baybed right next to ours, yet we both sleep a little more soundly right next to each other. Despite me preaching about safe sleep and SIDS prevention at work.



I didn't expect such bizarre advice. It's common knowledge that everyone likes to give advice to new parents but some of them were just plain STRANGE!
-Put a hat on him or he will get an ear infection.
-Don't put his ears in the bath water or he will get an ear infection.
-Should he get said ear infection, squirt breast milk in his ears.
-Also squirt breast milk in his belly button and eyes.
-If he hasn't pooped for a while, put a piece of soap in his butt.
-Watch out! He head is lower than his feet.
-Give him water when he has the hiccups.
-Shave his head at 1 year old to get the hair to grow in faster.
-Put fish oil on his stork bite to get it to go away.
-His hands are cold, he is cold.
-His feet are cold, he is cold.
-Isn't he cold?
-You're not going to put a snow suit on him?
-Isn't he cold?
-Put vodka/whiskey on his gums when he teeth start to come in.
-Are you SURE he isn't cold?
-Everything is the "number one choker!" Grapes...number one choker. Hotdogs...number one choker. Bread...number one choker.
-The best thing to clean a baby's bottom with during a diaper change...olive oil. (Croatian roots)
-If you don't satisfy your pregnancy cravings, the baby will be born with a birthmark in the shape of that food. (Irish roots)
-Use a urine compress on sore muscles.

I didn't expect for Teddy, our dog, to be downgraded so abruptly. I realize now he is "just" a dog. I will still refer to him as my son but it's so clearly not even comparable. 



I didn't expect my baby to look nothing like me. I carried him all those months, dreamed of him and pushed him out (intense work, BTW)...all to see zero similarities. Nope, none. I search daily. Sometimes when he smiles, maybe then, but nah, looks just like his dad. Luckily, I think his dad is good looking too.



I didn't expect my body to ache so much. My back hurts (must be because I no longer have the ab muscles I once did). My wrist hurts from carrying him and so many bags. After carrying around a car seat for 1 year, I'm pretty confident I could win an arm wrestling match in a biker bar. Have you felt those things? Is there no better system?

I didn't expect the urge to squeeze, pinch, and bite him to be so strong. I love him so much and think he is so adorable that I have to be careful not to hug him too hard. To quote my best friend Sam, I feel like Elvira from "Tiny Toons." It's crazy to me that, in all my years of working with babies, I've never heard of a baby coming in because the parents squeezed them too much or bit their cheek or sucked in all their hair through their nose. Ok, that last one was a bit weird but the URGE...ugh! Indescribable. 

I didn't expect to sympathize with other parents so strongly. I recently apologized to an old friend for not helping out more when her baby was born. I could have offered to babysit more often or just come over with pizza. I just didn't know. I didn't "get it" then, please forgive me.

I sympathize with complete strangers. Whenever I hear a story involving a child I always think of the parents. A missing child. (The worst! Can't fathom it. Stop.) I think about the mom. Like, what kind of meds is she on to function? If Eddie went missing, I wonder if I could request to be put into a medically induced coma. "Hi, yea, um, I'm going to need heavily sedated. Wake me up when he comes back alive. K, thanks." You'd live your whole life thinking "what if?"

The refugee stories/pictures...no, I can't process that. How blessed am I to have food for my baby? Warm water to bathe him in? Heat? Clean clothes? How would you feel as a mother if you, for some reason or another, couldn't provide? That must be torturous! I never thought about that before I had Eddie, or at least not with such feelings.

I didn't expect to work differently. I've been back to work for a few months now. As a Neonatal ICU nurse in my hospital we have to go to every C-Section and every "high risk" birth. Whenever I attend a birth, I start to get emotional. I think about the parents and how, at this very moment, their lives are about to change. SO much. I think back to my birthing experience and what those hours and minutes meant and felt like to me. I used to look right through the mother. It sounds cold but my patient is the baby and the moms are kind of in the way of me and my patient. Now, when I come into the room, I try to make eye contact with her and give her a reassuring smile from a distance. How scary it must be during the birth for multiple people to barge into the room. We usually stay off to the side in the room but in case we have to get actively involved in the retrieval of the baby I am more encouraging now. I remember during my birth that I just wanted someone to look at me and tell me if I was making progress - that everything was going to be ok.

I didn't expect to be brought to tears from child abuse stories or, thanks Facebook, videos! I stumbled across a video that showed a mother...I can't and won't describe what I saw but it was sickening...and the air was taken from my lungs. Eddie looked at me and asked what was wrong because the color had drained from my face. The tears started streaming uncontrollably from my eyes. Why would she do that? How could she do that? The baby was looking to her for help! Eddie had to hug me until I calmed down. After that, I made him promise me that we'd never call the police, should we find out someone hurt our child like that. I will personally, slowly murder that person and sit contently in a jail cell for a decade (banking on - plea deal, clean record, act of passion, good behavior).


I didn't expect to be so sad to say goodbye to his birth year. 2015 was so good to us. From 2011-2014, my brain was fried with the process of conceiving. God finally blessed us with a pregnancy and healthy baby. I have been focused on that baby ever since. It's not easy raising a baby but the stress has a wonderful purpose. I was at the end of my rope with our 4th try and it was so nice to have "a break." Yes, I'm telling you, a newborn was a break for me from the pains of infertility. For 3 years, I was plagued with negative voices in my head about ever conceiving.

The scary thing is, I'm starting to hear those old familiar voices again. They're whispers now but they're growing louder...I didn't expect to hear them so soon.



*As always, pictures courtesy of Johann Frick at JFPhotography. Thanks Hannes for capturing these memorable moments.

So Close

The birth of our son is so close I can smell him! No, literally, all his clothes are washed and folded. I can't smell his baby smell but I can smell the scent of the German sensitive laundry detergent I proudly purchased. It's heavenly. I can't wait for that smell to mix with his milk breath and his tufts of hair (and let's face it, some gas too). I'm 35 + weeks right now. The car seat is installed, I'm registered at the hospital and my hospital back is (semi) packed.

So why, oh why, can I not relax about losing him?

He's so close but I'm so aware that he's still not a guarantee to us. Eddie and I have been working a lot on home repairs and getting the nursery ready and I noticed that sometimes I forget to pay attention to his movements. It's then that I decide to take a break and sit on the couch to focus. Eventually, I feel him move and I thank the good Lord above. I scorn myself for being momentarily so absentminded. Why are these thoughts in my head? Why can I not simply enjoy the remaining weeks? Sometimes I think "Ok, he's made it past 35 weeks, he could easily dodge a stay in the NICU if he were to come out now. Let him just come out now while everything is still ok."

Satan isn't welcome in my head. It must be my job that has my worried mind spinning. Not until he's is pink (ok - I'll accept some acrocyanosis) and in my arms will my mind relax (haha, yea right). Let me tell you all something about the women and infant units in the hospitals. When a woman comes in to the hospital with the complaint of not feeling the baby move for a while, our pulse quickens. When an IUFD (intrauterine fetal demise) is confirmed the entire staff aches. As NICU nurses, we don't come in contact with the families much but I assure you, when we hear the news, we hurt too. Sometimes we are asked to be ready, in case the baby shows signs of life, but other than that, we are somewhat removed from the situation. Some families are prepared, due to chromosome anomalies, some are blindsided. It makes me physically ill to imagine the scene of the nurses not being able to find the baby's heartbeat. As a nurse, I bet my face would flush as I searched and searched while simultaneously trying to keep the parents calm and call the docs. Why are these scenes in my head?

We took a tour of our birthing center at the hospital. I need you all to fully understand my mental situation so I will paint the scene for ya. Imagine a good dozen or so other expectant couples wandering around the corridors - in and out of the different rooms, checking out the birthing bathtubs (ok, no!), drumming their fingers on the yoga balls (ew, don't touch that), feeling the sheets/beds/pillows, etc. "Where is Rachel?" you wonder? Oh, there she is! She's off to the side testing the suction equipment next to the radiant warmer. "Ya'll go on ahead and check out that rope to pull on and that bar to bare down with...I'm just going to sort through this drawer real quick and make sure they have an endotracheal tube in each size!" 
"Excuse me, Ma'am, can I help you find something?"
"Nope, thanks. Just testing this laryngoscope lightbulb right quick. Oh, actually yes, where do you keep your meconium aspirator attachment pieces?"
During the question and answer part of the evening, couples raised their hands one by one and asked about parking and visitors. I elbowed Eddie until he reluctantly raised his hand as asked "Is there an attending pediatrician 24 hours available?" Be it genetics or hormones, my worries are on another level.

It must be my job...or it's your story. - yes, yours, or you and your wife's. The story of all my friends that have lost their babies. These babies aren't IUFD's but rather stillbirths or "babies born sleeping." I was eagerly anticipating your baby's birth too. I was devastated when I heard the news...if I felt broken, how on earth did you guys deal? I think about you guys a lot, but especially now at the tail end of this journey. I remember all your stories and your angels. I have your babies' birthdays marked on my calendar because that one day belongs to them. I loved that you shared the stories and pictures with me too. I feel privileged to have "met" your angels. "Is she talking about me?" Yes, YOURS. I'll never forget them. It's unfair and I don't know how a family copes.

This baby in my belly is the most valuable thing I've ever "owned" and to imagine him being taken from me when we're so close to the finish line makes my stomach churn. The worst part is, many times, there's no explanation for the loss. How do you close the door to the nursery? What do you do with all the freshly washed clothes? How do you explain it to the expecting grandparents...or worse, the siblings? The strength those families have is admirable. I could easily go insane thinking about the destruction such an event causes.

I guess the only thing that helps is the support from others. Just writing this blog made me tear up - the mere thought of the possibility! As Eddie passed by the computer room he asked what was wrong. At first, I tried to play it off like I wasn't crying but he saw my glossy eyes and persisted. I broke down more and he comforted me and assured me that everything is and will be fine with our son. He hugged me and we talked for a good hour or so about the topic until I finally calmed down a bit. I'm so lucky to have his support. He is so patient with me when my mind goes off on wild tangents.

I know you're all probably thinking - "Rachel, don't think about such things!" I know, I shouldn't but I can't help it! That's the problem. This leg of the race is almost over and he can come at any moment. I can see the finish line. I only pray we cross it as a family of three. Pregnancy is a gift, not a guarantee. 

(All photos in this blog courtesy of JF Photography)

America vs. Germany

330.   In the 2005 movie, “Thank You for Smoking” I like the quote in which a character simply states that “These days, when someone smokes in the movies, they're either a psychopath...or a European.” It's true! I know so many more smokers over here!

331.   Outside of Eddie’s favorite grocery store there is something called the "Bockwurst" snack stand. It used to be 1 Euro for a wurst and bread but I think it's more like 1.20 now. Sometimes I take a bite, but in general, it’s not for me. Rarely does Eddie NOT reward himself with one after grocery shopping.

332.   If it’s Sunday and you need a grocery item…you better hope that they sell it at the one gas station in about 15 miles that’s open!

333.   The popular German phrase “Farfignewgan” correctly spelled “Fahrvergnügen” means “driving enjoyment” and was a slogan for Volkswagon in the early 1990’s. You’re welcome.

334.   Yes, Germany has four seasons and they occur at the same time as ours. I often joke and say why couldn’t I have met someone closer to the equator.

335.   If you are pulling a trailer with your car in Germany you are required to put mirror extensions on your side review mirrors to see out and around the back of the trailer. I’ve never seen those used in America. It looks funny but I bet it's practical.

336.   Ed has never been to the Oktoberfest. This is mind-boggling to some but one must remember how touristy it is. I like to compare and ask “Have you ever been to MardiGras?…No?!!? ::gasp!::” We’ll make it to Oktoberfest some day. I just need a real dirndl instead of my cheap halloween costume from 2007.

337.   As you recall, Germans love compounds words. Their animal names always crack me up ( so do movie titles). I already told you about:
Faultier = "Lazy animal" = Sloth and
Stinktier = "Stink animal"  = Skunk
Well how about Schildkröte - literal translation “shield toad” = Turtle
Gürteltier – belt animal = armadillo

This diagram should help, I know it got me out of a couple jams:



338.   Turtle is a fun word to say in Russian too - “cherripaha.”

My favorite word in Spanish is peanuts - “los cacahuates.”

339.   I've really grown to learn the seasons of many fruits and veggies. I feel like, as a spoiled American kid, I took for granted the availability of all fruits and vegetables year round in our stores. For example, I never really knew when plum season was. I visited once in the fall and ate so many forms of plums it started to make me sick. They were in everything because they were “in season.” Germans flip their shit when it's asparagus season too! There are restaurant signs every advertising "Spargel mit Schinken" or "Asparagus with ham!"

Me + My Son = One

So, as I revealed in my last blog, it's a boy. We're over the moon with joy but, I have to admit, I am a bit nervous. First of all, if anything blonde comes out of me, I think I'll be creeped out and I may ask for a maternity test. In my head, I always pictured a faceless, long haired, brunette, little girl. These days, I have no idea what to imagine.

(Well, the 3D pics at 31+5 weeks help a bit...)

I have enjoyed my pregnancy very much thus far. I puked daily until exactly 19 weeks but I didn't really mind. It was weird because it eventually became normal. "Ed, are you ready to go? Ok, let me just grab my purse, puke real quick and then we'll get going." I would only be reminded of how unusual it is to vomit when I would go out in public. I would start dry heaving in the refrigerated section of the grocery store and get some pretty weird stares. Turns out, it is impossible for me to gag quietly. I would be getting ready in the bedroom and Eddie would scream from the living room "are you gagging again in there?!?" "Yes! ::blrh:: Sorry! ::blraaah!:: Can't stop!" After an evening shift at work, I puked in the parking garage. I wanted to yell to any passers-by that I was, in fact, pregnant, and not a drunk homeless woman! I had a favorite place at work where I would hide until I could get my gagging under control. Eddie learned that when I said "I think I'm going to throw up" that we had about a 15 second window before I was doubled over. I learned early on to always have one of Teddy's poop bags within arms reach in the car. I had to pull over on multiple occasions on the way to work to puke in the morning. Sometimes there was no time to pull over and I would have to hold the spit up in my mouth until it was safe (yummy, I know). Every time I talked to my mother, she would ask how I was feeling and I would explain about the continued daily vomiting and her response was always "good!" As long as I was puking, it meant my hormones were going nuts and the baby was growing. These days, I know he is doing just fine because I can feel his little jabs...no, strike that, jujitsu chops and kicks! As startling as they can be, it still beats puking.

I appreciate all of your love and support. I really feel it. However, I have to be honest and say that there are moments where I am shocked by people's indifference. I understand not everyone shares the same excitement over this baby in my belly as I do but I'm talking about close friends and family members. Some people are simply disinterested. Ok, fine, don't worry about me, I get it. I'm just a carrying case for this little boy but are you not at all curious what the baby in my belly is doing? Ok, maybe not the specifics of WHAT he is doing, I'd be satisfied if some people just asked HOW he was doing. You can't make people care.

Sometimes while we're watching TV, the baby will start kicking. So much so that I can't focus on anything else but his movements. I know there will come a time when those kicks will keep me awake at night or give me sharp pains in the ribs but, for the time being, they're still magical to me. Every jab, kick, or roll makes me smile...so when I ask Eddie for his hand to place it on my belly and he nonchalantly declines, I am momentarily shocked. He loves his son, there's no doubt about that, but again, the fact that others don't share my enthusiasm is surprising.

This simply teaches me that no matter what...NO MATTER WHAT...it's me and this baby boy from here on out. Family members can occasionally ask/visit. Heck, Eddie could up and leave us (he would NEVER...but he could if he wanted), but when it comes to this little baby boy...we are one. This became clear to me from the beginning. While I realized that I was physically never going to be alone for at least 9 months, the pregnancy symptoms were only happening to me. At first, I felt so tired and so run-down. Eddie would laugh at me when, two hours after we woke up, I was ready for a nap again. Usually, if I was that sleepy it was because I had worked a night shift or we had stayed up late the night before. Others would be experiencing the fatigue with me. I felt jet-lagged but usually Eddie felt jet-lagged with me from our travels. I was the only one vomiting. Usually, someone else felt lousy after partying too much. I had bouts of extreme hunger. Usually, it was Eddie that decided when we would eat a snack because he always got hungry before me. No one else felt what I felt. When the kicks started, I was alone with them for a while too. No one around me felt them and they were hard to describe. I would be in the middle of a conversation and I would feel a little flutter on the inside. I would be tempted to hush the other person in the conversation so I could focus on the movements and talk back to my baby...but that would probably have been rude. Pregnancy has made me feel pretty alone at times. You can describe what's happening to you but it doesn't do it justice.

This whole process has made me learn to love my body. I took a "belly bump" picture at 5 weeks. I am currently 34 weeks and when I look back at my stomach back at 5 weeks I can only HOPE for it to be that "flat" again. I always thought I was a little overweight but now that I see my belly growing, I will be more than happy to look like that again after. I love my body and all the changes it's automatically making. I talk a lot about my feelings in my blogs. If my mind and body are separate machines, I wish my mind could tell my body how much I love it. My body is changing so much and I think it's magical. Eddie looks at my body in awe too and it makes me feel beautiful. The compliments he gives me makes me feel so special. I wish I could record them and save them forever. When he rubs my belly and kisses it, I feel so lucky to have a man that isn't creeped out by all the changes happening to me. For 30 years I've been dealing with this body. I've seen it change, slowly, but the changes that are happening now are... indescribable. I'm amazed and thankful for what God and nature has made possible. I've asked Eddie a few times if it makes him sad or jealous that I get to carry our son, that I get to feel his movements, that I will be the one to nourish him. He is very quick to say "no!" - I think it's the birthing part that scares him. I say bring it on. I am loving being pregnant!

To my unborn son,

Oh, hey, it's your "mom." Yep, the one that can't sing and sometimes feeds you french fries. Yep, that's right, the one that burps like a trucker, sorry if that rattles your little itty bitty bones! If I'm honest, I don't really know what "mom" means. Before I married your dad, I repeated the word "wife" over and over again and tried to figure out what that word meant too. For the record, I'm still clueless. And on that day in late February, when you officially make me a mom, I will probably be just as clueless. Let's promise to not tell anyone else how much I don't know what I'm doing. Luckily, you won't be able to use words for a while so I think we can fool some people. Keep all that crying stuff to a minimum too, that's a sign you're not happy, and people might catch on. K, thanks.

Mommy takes care of babies every day at work. Oh, that's right, you knew that because you like to kick them when I hold them on my lap. When it comes to newborns, I know what I'm doing up until about the 3 month mark. Everything after that is uncharted territory. The babies I take care of stay in one place when I put them there. Oh, what about dad, you ask? Ummm, yea...his world is about to be rocked and he has no idea it's coming. He's sweet though. You'll fall in love with him instantly, just like Mommy did. Ok, back to this being a baby thing. I got you. I can change a diaper with one hand. I've never fed a baby with my boob so we'll see how that goes together too but I can give a baby a bottle with one...heck, NO hands!

I don't know what you want. I mean, I know you'll want food, love and a clean ass (who doesn't) but I mean other more complex things. Mommy has two younger brothers. Yea, Uncle Brandon and Uncle Bronson. Yea, the tall ones. Yea, they're kinda weird too, that's right. I have some experience growing up with boys. I used to play games with them and beat them and their friends up. Mommy is good at video games too. Don't cry too hard when I whoop you in all of them and dance circles around you. Daddy can teach you how to wrestle but Mommy might be the one to teach you how to defend yourself on the rough and tough streets of Rümmingen.

I have some idea what kind of games you'll want to play and I can kind of guess what you might be in to. But what I really hope is that you will want to cuddle with me sometimes. I picture myself saying "Ok, Eddie, aren't you tired of throwing rocks and digging in dirt? Don't you want to come in a snuggle with Mommy?" or "Are you sure you want to play with your cars and bulldozers again? Don't you want to bake something with me?" or "How 'bout we stop shooting mommy with the fake gun, clean up all our action figures and maybe play dress up?" You're already the sweetest boy I know. You're a mommy's boy already but shhh...it will be our little secret from daddy.

I'm worried I don't really know what little boys want. I mean, we'll figure it out together, but it will take me some time. What terrifies me even more is that I'm pretty sure I know what teenage boys wants. ::gulp:: Oh man, I am worried for those years. Your dad will have to teach you to shave. I think mommy learned how to shave a man in nursing school but that was eons ago. As for all the other changes in the teen years, I'm nervous. When it comes to love, I hope I will be your main woman for a long while. It makes me sad when people say that sons eventually leave their families for their wives. You're not even hear yet and I'm worried about you leaving. From the day I saw your little heart flickering on the ultrasound machine, I've worried about you disappearing. I hope by the time this day comes, I will have the confidence to let you go because your dad and I have raised you as well as we could. Any questions you have about how to treat a lady, look to your father. He makes me feel like a queen. Any other questions you have, I'll teach you along the way as well.

I hope you have a kind heart.
I hope you think independently and make good friend choices.
I hope, when the day comes, you make a perfect partner choice too.
I hope you grow up happy and healthy. (Even though I've never held you, I'm already aware that there's nothing worse than a sick child.)
I hope you learn to love God because his love for you exceeds my own. (That is a huge concept for even me to grasp.) There will be a day when your dad and I will no longer walk this earth with you but as long as you turn to God, you will never be too far lost.
And most of all, I hope you feel loved...because you so are!

My son, our son, I hope you're ready to feel all this love! I know we're ready! (Well, we still need to fix up the nursery, but as soon as we're done, come on out!)

Love,
Your Mom
Deine Mama
Tvoya Mamochka

Germany vs. America

320.   At the gas stations in Germany, they offer you disposable gloves to wear while you pump or maybe for other car maintenance while you’re there. Perhaps that’s a little better than the waterless hand sanitizer we offer?

321.   While I was visiting Germany, research results came in and…::drum roll::…the “Prettiest Cow” lives in Switzerland! Seriously.

322.   I was a guest speaker in Eddie’s English class a few times and I noticed that sometimes when the students raise their hands, their index fingers are extended, almost like they are simply pointing to the ceiling, not like an opened hand. Kinda like the guy in the middle of this painting. Is that weird to anyone else?

323.   I can not find whipped cream in the frozen section here. You have to whip your own and sweeten it, or settle for the one in the can with the push nozzle...not the same!

324.   I’ve touched on how everyone in a group of friends is greeted by a hand shake, hug, or kiss on the cheek in another blog (I think). It’s gotten to the point where I am comfortable with Eddie’s close friends but it can still be a bit awkward with others. I try not to be the first person greeted (although the lady usually is). I try to see which greeting that particular person prefers. I’ve come to learn which of Eddie’s acquaintances prefer handshakes, hugs, or one, two, or even THREE kisses! Sheesh! I usually just want to do a collective hello/goodbye!

325.   The origins of the Advent calendar come from German Lutherans and has morphed into what we know today as the physical countdown to Christmas by opening little “windows” each day of December revealing a small treat!

326.   "Fastnacht" is the pre-Lent celebration on the day before Ash Wednesday (Fat Tuesday? Perhaps comparable to Mardi Gras with the parades only minus the beads/nudity + candy and confetti).

327.   During the days of the "Fastnacht" celebrations, HUGE fires are lit in the villages to scare away evil spirits and witches. People try to jump through the flames to rid their bodies of the evil spirits following them.

328.   The people in the "Fastnacht" Parade attack unsuspecting victims with confetti. They rub it in women's hair. Shove it down shirts/pants. They pick up women in the front row, tie them up, and run off with them for a while. Sometimes they'll pin you down and steal your shoe and play monkey-in-the-middle with you in front of hundreds of people. Sounds like a good time, right? Needless to say, Eddie kept me in the back row!


329.   There is a special cake that is only available during the weeks of "Fastnacht." It's delicious and love it. It's my favorite part of the "season" and tastes like a bunch of thin, crispy elephant ears. Yummmm! I can't wait until February for two reasons now! 

Cautiously optimistic to Charlie Bucket - Gender Reveal

So, you know the saying, “boy, girl, doesn't matter, as long as it’s healthy?” ‘Tis true, ‘tis true. But I found myself repeating a very twisted version of that. People would give me a strange look when I would say, “boy, girl, doesn't matter, as long as it’s only got one set of genitals.” I've seen a few times where babies were born and the sex wasn't so obvious. It is a very sad moment for the parents. They aren't able to yell with glee “It’s a boy!” or shout down the hospital corridors “It’s a girl!” Balloons are popped (literally and figuratively) and cigars go unlit. “But, Rachel, how is it not possible to know the difference between a penis and a vagina.” Oh, it’s possible. Google – ambiguous genitalia newborn.

My strange comments didn't stop there. I’m quite possibly the weirdest patient my German doctor has had for a while. During one of our first appointments I asked, “Hat es ein Gehirn?/Does it have a brain?” My doctor giggled awkwardly and said “Yes! Of course, Mrs. Frick, it has a brain!” She continued, “It even has fingers and toes!” I wanted to say, “Listen, lady. You’re not going to get me going with pictures of toes. Although, I may slightly be interested in extra or missing digits as it could be a sign of other genetic anomalies, you’re going to have to work a little bit harder.” What I really wanted to tell her was “If you want to get a good reaction out of this Mama, show me a four chamber heart. Show me a closed spinal column. Show me an intact lip. Want to make this Mama tear up? Show me proof that everything that is supposed to be in the abdomen is in the abdomen and not stuck up in the chest or floating around outside the body! If you want me to swell with pride, don’t tell me how cute the baby is, tell me my placenta is appropriately attached and I have an ample of amount amniotic fluid.”

My innocence and naivety was stripped of me long ago. So long ago that I’m not even convinced it ever existed. I blame it on the job and infertility too. Let's face it, as NICU nurses, we see a lot of effed up shizz. Crap you didn't even know could happen to a baby inside the womb or out. As excited as I was to finally be pregnant, there was a small part in my head telling me not to get too excited. I had bleeding at the beginning. It was only once, and light, but still enough to make my stressed out mind fill to the brim with more anxiety. I couldn't help but worry if this, too, was going to be taken away from me. Am I crazy? Is it evilness filling my mind with such thoughts? Or am I completely normal?

I've spent so many years worrying. I figured it would lessen once I finally got pregnant. No. No way. I found myself worrying to see the heartbeat. I thought to myself, “if I could only see the heart beating, I'll relax.” On that appointment, we were told by our infertility doc to be “cautiously optimistic.” Whatever that meant? We were told for many weeks after that that the baby was measuring smaller than expected. Again, more stress and worrying.

Waiting for a heartbeat turned into, “if I can make it to 12 weeks, I'll relax.” When I reached that, I anxiously waited for the kicks. Those glorious jabs are finally here and they are a reminder that things are ok. However, now I hope for the 24 weeks mark when this baby is considered viable where I work. But then again, 24 weeks is way too early, maybe 35 weeks is better because it could dodge a stay in the NICU. No, better yet, a “term” 37 weeker would be great. Please tell me I'm not the only mom that worries about this/asks these questions!

I've cried at each appointment as soon as I see the little body take form on the screen. We have an early ultra sound video where you can hear me say “I’m just so happy it's still there!” I've come to the realization that, until my last earthly breath has exited my lungs, I will always worry about this baby.

At the beginning, I was so worried about this wonderful gift being taken away that I barely allowed enough room in my head to contemplate that I will be a mommy. Infertility has stolen from me a blissful, naive pregnancy. Will I ever get over it? How do I identify myself now? I'm pregnant and elated but why can I still remember the taste of bitterness and jealousy? I thought it would magically disappear into an oblivion of happiness. There were times when I shared the news with other childless women and I cried afterward because I know the feeling. I still remember exactly how it feels to hear about another pregnancy when you want/wanted it so badly for yourself. Only now, I'm giving that feeling to other women and I felt shame.

In Germany, pregnant women get a “Mutterpass” or a “Mother Passport” that they are to bring with them to each appointment and carry it with them wherever they go. This way, all of the information about the baby, pregnancy, and mom is all together in one place. Should anything happen, you just present the little booklet to the caregivers and they get a complete history. I didn't get a Mutterpass right away. I was about 11 weeks before I finally laid eyes on mine. I was convinced they were holding out on me because they weren't sure the baby was growing adequately. Eddie tried to reassure me that this wasn't the case.

(The first gift for Baby Frick/Mommy from Aunt Elisabeth. It's a cover for my Mutterpass.)

There came a point when my doctor realized that my silly questions were not so silly after all. She’d seen our history and knew about where I worked. We were sitting at her desk and she looked me in the eye and said “Mrs. Frick, you have nothing to worry about.” For years, I've heard things like, “It’s cancer. We need to operate. It could be cancer again. There is no sperm. Your only option is ICSI. The follicles didn't mature. We didn't retrieve many eggs this time. You aren't pregnant.” So to finally hear someone say I have nothing to worry about was a very strange moment for me. Never have those words been said to me in such sincerity. She reassured me I would be giving birth to a pink, chubby baby. Although I knew her words were no guarantee, I needed it and, that day, I finally got my “Mutterpass.” I walked out of the office, with my ultrasound pics in-hand, feeling like I was walking on sunshine. I was proud of those blurry pictures. I wanted to show them to everyone. At the grocery store, “I know you would like to see an acceptable form of payment…but what about these ultrasound pics instead?!?” Random person in the elevator, “Oh, hey, want to see my Mutterpass and ultrasound pics? No? Just trying to get off on your floor? Ok.” I’m telling you what, after struggling to get pregnant for so long and finally having those pictures of life growing inside me finally in my hand, I could only think one thing - Charlie Bucket doesn't know shit about a “golden ticket.”

When it came to finding out the sex of our baby, we didn't want to know. I liked watching people burst a blood vessel in their head while trying to contemplate why we didn't want to find out or how we could possibly stand the suspense. Turns out, everything is pretty much developed at 11 weeks and it was pretty hard to miss on the ultrasound. Thank you all for being so interested in our story/pregnancy/baby. No matter what the last word of the next sentence is, the beginning would always remain true.

Glory be to God, it’s a boy.

And if that wasn't easy enough, we've had the named picked out for years!

Introducing...

Eduard Frick III

(Yes, with a U instead of a W...just like his dad and Opa!)


Germany vs. America
(20 "facts" this time because they were missing from the last post.)

300.   If your cell phone is turned off in Germany, and someone calls during that time, you will get a notification when you turn your phone back on. Do phones do that in America now-a-days? It used to not be that way.

301.   You can't buy alcohol in the stores after 10 PM in Germany.

302.  When you are buying fruit in the grocery stores, you have to take it to a machine that weighs it and will print out a sticker with the price on it. You put the sticker on the bag and then the cash register person will check you out. Don't forget to do that or you will get some dirty stares! Also, pay attention which grapes you chose...or you will get more dirty stares when the attendant has to leave her post to help you.  :(

303.   Many times, pizza will be delivered on a mo-ped/scooter in Germany/Switzerland. 

304.   Cheddar cheese is hard to come by in Germany, a lot of times the local grocery store doesn't carry it.

305.   Glaucoma = Gruener Star = Green Star? in German.

306.   You are not allowed to dance on Good Friday in Germany. No joke, there are signs posted in the clubs! I need to do a little more investigation on this topic.

307.   Mars is a popular candy bar in Germany that we don't have in the US. I think it's a mix between a Milky Way and a Three Musketeer?

308.   Cross word puzzles even look different in Germany. The clues are written within the grid squares.

309.    Sloth = Faultier = "Lazy animal" (Come on now Germans, that's just plain lazy to name it that!)

310.   Skunk = Stinktier = "Stink animal" (Again...really?)

311.   In Germany, you ask to pay at the end of the meal. In America, they kinda know when to bring you the check. Unless you're in a hurry, you don't usually ask.

312.   If you are just a few mins late to a movie, it is frowned upon to enter.

313.   According to Eddie, pain management during a root canal is way better in America.

314.   Prior to getting married, the longest Eddie and I had ever spent together was about 3 months (during his chemo treatment).

315.   The longest we were apart was 5 months (from the time we met until the time we saw each other again).

316.   Eddie had his first corn dog at the Canfield fair in Ohio and he liked it! They don't have corn dogs in Germany, I'm more than ok with that.

317.   I'm not ok with no Outbacks in Germany. (There is only one Outback in Australia.)

318.   Eddie loves to look at the non-food items in German grocery stores to find deals.

319.   They do not have hibachi style restaurants in Germany. At least not in our area. No bueño!