What to Expect When You're Not Expecting

Well, when you're NOT expecting you can expect everyone else to be expecting. Basically, everyone around you will get pregnant before you...and I mean everyone.

As I've said before, my God is a very funny man. He has a twisted sense of humor...I don't get it, but I do respect it. Every time I hear about a new pregnancy I picture him in heaven sitting at a drum set and striking the rimshot with a loud ::ba-dum-tchsss!:: Want to know some of the people he makes parents before us? Here are a few examples:

The guy from high school that likes to show random, unsuspecting women pictures of his penis even though he's married. Yea, God will make him a daddy before Eddie. ::ba-dum-tchsss!::

The couple that wasn't even sure they wanted to be together last Christmas and neither have a job/education. God thinks they'll be fit parents.

The woman who openly drinks alcohol during her pregnancy with no qualms about it. Don't worry, she will be a mommy before you. You'll find yourself praying for more strength not to smack the drink out of her hand with your left hand while simultaneously smacking her across the face with your right.

"Oh, you're going to jail? Here! Let me make you a parent first!"- said God an acquaintance of yours.

"Oh, you've known each other for a milisecond? Here's a baby!"

Remember your abusive (in every sense of the word) ex-boyfriend? Yep. You betcha'! He'll be puffin' on a "It's a Boy" cigar any day now too.

All the "But we weren't even trying"-ers. ::sigh::

Two words...Jenelle Evans. ::ba-dum-tchsss!::

Ok, two more words...Amber Portwood. (Love me some Teen Mom references.)

In this difficult time you'll recall stories from work of mothers who delivered their 5th baby but didn't even have custody of the other 4 children because the state took them away.

You'll care for babies at work whose parents snorted cocaine and shot up heroine for months before the baby came out prematurely. You'll smile and be polite to the parents' faces but at night you'll ask God why they get to be parents but it is so difficult for you.

When you're not expecting you can expect the pregnant women to be everywhere. Everywhere you turn you'll see them, complete with their gravid bellies and inside out belly buttons...just staring you down like a cyclops.

When you're not expecting, expect to be blind-sided by new pregnancies. I can assure you that you will be caught off guard but you can also be somewhat prepared. What I recommend doing is having responses on reserve for such moments.

While out for ice cream and you see an old friend of a friend. You recall how she used to have an eating disorder and note that she's still rail-thin.
Her - "Hey Rachel! How are you? Good! Yea, I'm doing well too...just got some ice cream. Eating for two these days! Baby was craving ice cream!"
God - "ba-dum-tchsss!"
Me - "Wow, that's so exciting, congratulations! When are you due?"
Her - "End of the month! It's going so fast!"
The nurse in you can't help but already diagnose the baby with IUGR/SGA. As you watch her enter the bathroom you can only hope that she isn't depriving the baby of any necessary nutrients.

After getting some Chinese take out with the hubby, you see an old classmate of yours pushing a baby stroller. A baby stroller?! That was fast!
"Jane?! Hey! How have you been? Is that yours?" ::as you peek into the stroller::
"Haha, yea, I didn't steal it!"
"Haha, ok good! How old is she?" ::noting the pink headband::
"Thanks, she's 4 months."
"Aw, she's so sweet! I'm so happy to see everything is going well with you guys!"
As you walk away you do the math and realize that she was pregnant while you were in class together...well into her 2nd trimester, in fact. The realization that she probably hid her pregnancy from you to spare your feelings starts to surface and you feel lousy.

I like to think I've perfected the look of maintaining a smile while it feels like I was just kicked in the gut. My comments are genuine but so are these underlying feelings. It's a weird mixture.

So, what does it feel like? Let me try to describe a scene for you. I remember once Eddie and I were in a meeting and he got a text message from someone on his phone. So-and-so was pregnant and they were having a boy! I wish there was a camera on my face when Eddie leaned over and whispered it to me. I wonder if the feelings I felt inside could be seen on the outside. If not, I wish I had some sort of device in me that could measure it. My stomach dropped, my heart skipped what felt like multiple beats, and my blood chilled. I feel like everything in me sank/lurched. This "wave?" that came over me was so intense but yet so quick. I was able to push it away and smile back at Eddie and whisper "That's awesome news!" We exchanged a small high-five. When I turned back to look at the speaker, I felt my face flush and I had to dig my thumbnail into my index finger to keep me from tearing up. I prayed to God that I could keep it together. I couldn't cry in the middle of this meeting. I have to wait until I'm back home...safe in my bed or in the shower. What feeling is that? What do I call that wave of sickness? Is it envy? Is that why they say "green with envy" because it's momentarily nauseating? I don't know what it is but I just learn to cope with it. If it is envy then I know it's wrong but how do I stop it? 

"Well then, Rach, if you're so emotionally unstable, who can get pregnant?" Um, well, do you want an honest answer? My close friends and family are allowed to get pregnant. People are also allowed to get pregnant if I know that they have also had infertility struggles. That's the reality of it. I realize that all these pregnancies need to happen in order for the human race to continue but I just wish it was our turn.

I'm also aware this type of thinking makes me look silly but I don't need anyone else's judgment. I worry daily about God's judgement over me. When I cry does He think it's because I don't trust him? I do all the things I am expected to do. I walk the line that I assume He wants me to. I jump through all the hoops that I am supposed to and climb each and every obstacle He puts before me. I am married and I love my husband more than I can wrap my own brain around (no, really, the love I have for this man is beyond my own comprehension). We both have jobs, we have supportive families, we can provide for and love a baby to the utmost extent...but no, we're the ones that must wait. And as if these feelings aren't tough enough to stomach...I also have the feelings of guilt and shame. Like I'm crazy, or weird, or two-faced, or cold-hearted for feeling the way that I do inside while trying to be happy and supportive to everyone else. It's a whirlwind of emotions that I carry with me each day. I don't know if I would call this a "Why Me?" post but rather a "Why Them?" or a "Why Them and Not Us?"

Photo courtesy of my talented brother-in-law - JF Photography

Germany vs. America
(I forgot "facts" on my last blog post so here are 20 more for ya!)

161.   Engagement rings aren't as big of a deal as they are back home. It's rare for someone to have a large stone in their ring. The wedding ring is just a band. I like our customs way better...

162.   In Russia, they wear the ring on the right hand. Eddie's father had a hard time accepting the fact that Eddie and I wear ours on our left hand.

163.   They have about 5 Gatorade flavors in Germany. What do we have in the States? Greater than or equal to 25 I'm sure. A lot of people don't know what it is here.

164.   Europeans write the day, the month, and then the year. It's momentarily confusing but I'm getting used to it. In my opinion, their way makes more sense. 

165.   Ok, let's take a second to discuss the commercials on late night German TV. Trash! Worse than "Girls Gone Wild" trash. I'm talking 20-30 sequential 30 second long commercials advertising hotlines for all different "types" of women. I couldn't believe it, it was never-ending not to mention grotesque!

166.   If you're going somewhere to swim in Germany, you typically wear normal clothes there. Change when you get there. Shower afterwards, and put on the same clothes with clean undergarments. Here, you wear your suit there with a cover up over top. I remember I felt silly have Eddie's 10 year old sister help me out with the system at the "Laguna."

167.   Similarly, when you get to said swimming place (usually indoors) do not be shocked to learn that men and women change/shower in the same area. I'll never forget the first time I entered what I thought to be the women's changing room only to be greeted by a strange man's bare ass. Talk about awkward... I'll be changing my kids in a bathroom stall.

168.   Their summer break is ridiculously short. School ends in late June/early July and starts again in late August like ours does. Hah, maybe it has something to do with the 1,233,534 holidays they get a year! (Fact 158 on previous blog.)

169. Everyone has health insurance/coverage here, be it private or public. They have to.

170.   Our hotels are bigger and better in the States. Most of ours have a pool. You would have to go to a "Wellness Hotel" to be guaranteed a pool over here. There are many smaller hotels in the villages but nothing like ours.

171.   They don't have cheerleaders in Germany. I mean come on they might as well not have sunshine and rainbows. Jokes, jokes! There are cheerleaders but it's just a sport. They don't regularly cheer on a certain team.

172.   What we would call the second floor, they would call the first floor...once again, momentarily disorienting!

173.   I see a lot more graffiti in Germany/Switzerland. Maybe they think it's artsy. I don’t like it...

174.   Germany is only 3 times the size of Ohio but has over 7 times as many people. That's about 82 million people living in an area half the size of Texas!

175.   Because of the population density, land is scarce and more expensive to buy.

176.   My baby boys will DEFINITELY wear lederhosen...take a moment to get a visual of that one...so cute!

177.   Sometimes if I'm running somewhere real quick, I'll go with my hair a little damp. Well, don't do this in front of your German/Russian mother-in-law because you'll hear about it for sure! It's CRAZINESS to go out with wet hair. They even have multiple hair dryers at thermal baths so you can dry it before walking outside. Come on people, wet hair doesn't cause pneumonia! Get with it!

178.   This isn't a fact just something kinda funny. My German isn't 100% yet so when there is a conversation going on and I don't understand the context, I'll zone out. Well, many-a-times I'll be listening to them jibber-jabber and all of a sudden everyone will stand up to leave. I just look around at everyone, clueless. I start to gather my things too and think in my head "Oh, ok, I guess we're leaving now?" Ugh... :(

179.   On the clothing labels the washing instructions are mostly symbols. It doesn't say "Machine was cold with like colors, tumble dry low, remove promptly, cool iron when needed." Instead, they have a triangle with an X through it and a square with a circle in it...clearly meaning "No chlorine bleach, tumble dry low"...

180.  There are many doctors that still make house calls. "Ain't nobody got time fo dat!" - said every US doc in unison!

Dear Pa, I Still Don't Get It

Today is Father's Day and if there is anything I've learned from my (almost) two years of living here in Germany, it's how much I appreciate and miss my Pops. This blog is for him.

Let's keep it real by saying that things growing up were not always picturesque...but the older I get the more I realize how impossible it is to have a "perfect family." Let's just say my family puts the "fun" in "dysfunctional" and I am very satisfied with mine.

Let's start from the very beginning. To this day, I still don't get why God chose me out of all 4 of your kids to be your doppelganger (another German word we stole). Wouldn't it make more sense for a son to grow up being the spitting image of his dad? Ever since I was little, family members and friends of the family would call me "Lil' Lenny." It was always creepy hearing that if I "only had a mustache" I would be just like you. Today, I carry this title with pride. I am slightly more impartial to little girls that look like their dads too these days. If I see one at the store, I give her a quick wink. If I care for a baby girl at work that looks like her dad...I give her extra sweetease/sugar water (jk). I like to think there is a special place in heaven for all the daddy's girl look-a-likes. 

I still don't get how you are able to do, fix, and repair everything. I know a lot of children think this of their fathers but I'm serious people...the man can fix anything! But where does all this random knowledge and skill come from? In my eyes, it was simply always there. You know your dad's a handyman when one of your baby brother's first sentences is: "Dad'll fik it!" - "Dad will fix it!" When one of our toys broke "Dad'll fik it!"  If our bike got a flat tire "Dad'll fik it!" or even if someone broke a glass in the kitchen, he'd yell "It's ok! Dad'll fik it!"

I knew things were going to hell in a hand basket with you and mom the day I saw a repairman in our kitchen. In all my years of life we never called a repairman, plumber, electrician, cable man, mechanic, lawn or construction company, etc. etc. etc. I harbor a secret hatred for repairmen because it means my dad is missing. I'm sure the unsuspecting repairman that day felt my stare bore through him with all the intensity of "...and what are you doing here?"

I'm just going to dab on this subject because it needs said. I mean it with the utmost respect too...I still don't get how you didn't commit homicide after being with mom for so many years. Let's be honest everyone...everyone!...she's not the easiest of people to live with. I made it to around the 18 year mark and things started getting blurry. We can cohabit for about 2 weeks before our strong personalities start to collide.  (Mom, you know I'm right, and I love you still!) Dad, you've been dealing with and loving this woman for many more years than us kids and it needs to be acknowledged and applauded. Congratulations on avoiding 25-life.

I think I need to quote our good family friend Ani Difranco here:

Growing up it was just me and my mom

against the world

and all my sympathies were with her

when I was a little girl

But now I've seen both my parents

play out the hands they were dealt

and as each year goes by

I know more about how my father must have felt

I just want you to understand

that I know what all the fighting was for

and I just want you to understand

that I'm not angry anymore

Growing up I think kids naturally side with their moms but as I get older I recognize a lot of the struggles my dad must have gone through during the divorce too. Although I believe in my heart that my parents could have tried a little harder, I am aware of the pain that both sides feel as a family breaks apart.

Hey Pops, I still don't get how you were able to take us fishing all those times and year after year. You were only able to get your line in the water for probably a total of 10 minutes because you were busy baiting our hooks, retrieving our snagged lures, untangling our lines from each others/the motor (Bronson!), taking fish off our line, getting bobbers from trees, and breaking up fist fights...all while steering the boat. Ok, maybe I get how you took us, but the fact that you didn't throw us overboard and leave us to drown in Crystal Lake is amazing. That's not to say we didn't come back unharmed. We knew going out with dad meant bumps, bruises, scratches, or an occasional stick up the nose :(... The drive home was always capped off with a "Don't tell mom..." "Don't tell mom Brandon fell in the lake again." "Don't tell mom we went to McDonald's." You put up with a lot of crap...no, literally...remember when Bronson crapped himself at Sonny's Bait Shop in Bessemer? ::sigh:: Good times, Pops. Good times. Thanks.

I still don't get why I was the one to go to work with you every summer. Even though you have two sons, I was the one up on the roof with you a majority of the time. I think Julie and I put way more time in roofin' than Brandon and Bronson. Seems a bit backwards doesn't it? Thanks to you I know how to tear a roof, install drip edge, cut caps, lay shingles, and side a house. I feel as comfortable with a nail gun as I do with a curling iron. I'm as nimble as a cat on a 12/12 pitch roof and can climb ladders like a champ. Every day we went to work together you would introduce me to the home owner and tell them that you were teaching me how important it is to go to college. I get that now. Although I miss working outside sometimes, manual labor is hard work. The fact that you've done it your whole life is admirable and the dignity you taught me that comes with a job well done will stay with me forever.

 (Just roofin' our shed, no big deal.)

 (That's a Blow Pop, not a cig, so chill.)

 Proud!

(Roofin' the dog house with the extra material.)

Everything I know about classic rock, I owe to my pops. I can proudly say that my first concert wasn't N*Sync, Backstreet Boys, or 98 degrees...but rather Aerosmith with my father! I knew that when I came home and Van Halen or Styx was playing...it was cleaning time. My dad still quizzes me when songs come on the radio - "Who 'dis?" or as he reaches for the radio knob to turn it up -"For fitty!" which means - "I'll give you 50 bucks if you know who sings this song." Of course, he doesn't follow through with the bet but seeing his face light up when I get the singer/group/song title correct is worth way more than 50 bucks. Thanks to him, I can sing along to almost every Lynyrd Skynyrd, AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, Journey, Pink Floyd, Queen, Eagles, etc. etc. etc song...all the while being accompanied by Lenny B. to my left on the air guitar and steering wheel drums!

I won all my street fights thanks to my dad. From an early age we wrestled. You vs. Me, Brandon, and Bronson. I remember you picking me up by my ears and laughing. You would lift us up with one hand and squish us against the ceiling! Your classic finisher...dragging us by our toes. All the while, mom screaming from upstairs "Be easy, Lenny! You'll hurt them!" And she was right, one of us usually ended up crying...but we're tougher for it! To this day, I can't walk past my dad sitting on the couch without him sticking his leg out last second trying to trip me. It's weird but I've come to expect it. Thanks to you, I have ninja-like reflexes (not really). What other father gifts their daughter with a switch blade? How about pepper spray or a taser for Christmas? What kind of dad tells their daughter if they don't have access to brass knuckles to grip a roll of quarters or a flat stone? I know where all the pressure points are in the human body. If you heard "I'm going for the jugular!" at our house you had about a 0.3 second window to block yourself from being choked. Normal or not normal? Normal, people!

I still don't get how you absorb and remember any random slang term I ever used. I can use something only once and you will use it properly in a sentence the next day and three years later.

-"Hey, dad! Whatcha' doin'"

-"Oh, nothin'. Just sippin' on some sizzurp."

-"How was the wedding last night, dad?"

-"Fine. Everyone was Patrick Schwasted."

-"Are you going fishing with Uncle Steve this weekend?"

-"For shizzle my nizzle."

-"What did you get at the store?"

-"Bitches, blunts and fo'ties..::pause::...JAY KAY!"

Thanks for trying to stay up with the times. Your attempts at staying up-to-date always make me giggle. It's still funny to me that you were the first one in the family to get a smart phone...

And last but not least...I still don't get how you let me move away. I guess the joke's on you because you made me go on the family vacation trip to Mexico when I met Eddie. Were you already sweating a little when I told you I wanted to go and visit him the first time? How hard was it to let me fly across the world to visit a family you didn't even know? How hard was it walking me down the aisle? Was it weird knowing that at the end of the aisle waited a man that was going to take me 5,000 miles away from you? What does it feel like to be the one to drive me to the airport to leave for good...not knowing when you'll see me again? If it feels anything like it does on this side of it...it hurts and it aches. I wish I could be with you on this day to celebrate and every day. I'm sure you take small comfort in knowing that I am safe and happy with Eddie now too.

"Alles Gute zum Vatertag!"

...to all the daddies out there all the way from Germany! I also pray to the Lord that this will be Eddie's last Father's Day as just a son/grandson.

 I love you, Pops!