So, you know the saying, “boy, girl, doesn't matter, as long
as it’s healthy?” ‘Tis true, ‘tis
true. But I found myself repeating a very twisted version of that. People would
give me a strange look when I would say, “boy, girl, doesn't matter, as long as
it’s only got one set of genitals.” I've seen a few times where babies were born and the sex wasn't so obvious. It is a very sad moment for the parents. They aren't able to yell with glee “It’s a
boy!” or shout down the hospital corridors “It’s a girl!” Balloons are popped (literally and figuratively) and
cigars go unlit. “But, Rachel, how is it not possible to know the difference
between a penis and a vagina.” Oh, it’s possible. Google – ambiguous genitalia
newborn.
My strange comments didn't stop there. I’m quite possibly
the weirdest patient my German doctor has had for a while. During one of our
first appointments I asked, “Hat es ein Gehirn?/Does it have a brain?” My doctor
giggled awkwardly and said “Yes! Of course, Mrs. Frick, it has a brain!” She
continued, “It even has fingers and toes!” I wanted to say, “Listen, lady. You’re
not going to get me going with pictures of toes. Although, I may slightly be
interested in extra or missing digits as it could be a sign of other genetic anomalies,
you’re going to have to work a little bit harder.” What I really wanted to tell
her was “If you want to get a good reaction out of this Mama, show me a four
chamber heart. Show me a closed spinal column. Show me an intact lip. Want to
make this Mama tear up? Show me proof that everything that is supposed to be in
the abdomen is in the abdomen and not stuck up in the chest or floating around
outside the body! If you want me to swell with pride, don’t tell me how cute the
baby is, tell me my placenta is appropriately attached and I have an ample of amount amniotic fluid.”
My innocence and naivety was stripped of me long ago. So
long ago that I’m not even convinced it ever existed. I blame it on the job and
infertility too. Let's face it, as NICU
nurses, we see a lot of effed up shizz. Crap you didn't even know could happen
to a baby inside the womb or out. As excited as I was to finally be pregnant, there was a small part in my head telling me not to get too excited. I had
bleeding at the beginning. It was only once, and light, but still enough to
make my stressed out mind fill to the brim with more anxiety. I couldn't help
but worry if this, too, was going to be taken away from me. Am I crazy? Is it evilness filling my mind with such thoughts? Or am I completely normal?
I've spent so many years worrying. I figured it would lessen once I finally got
pregnant. No. No way. I found myself worrying to see the heartbeat. I thought
to myself, “if I could only see the heart beating, I'll relax.” On that
appointment, we were told by our infertility doc to be “cautiously optimistic.”
Whatever that meant? We were told for many weeks after that that the baby was
measuring smaller than expected. Again, more stress and worrying.
Waiting for a heartbeat turned into, “if I can make it to 12
weeks, I'll relax.” When I reached that, I anxiously waited for the kicks. Those
glorious jabs are finally here and they are a reminder that things are ok.
However, now I hope for the 24 weeks mark when this baby is considered viable where
I work. But then again, 24 weeks is way too early, maybe 35 weeks is better
because it could dodge a stay in the NICU. No, better yet, a “term” 37 weeker would be
great. Please tell me I'm not the only mom that worries about this/asks these questions!
I've cried at each appointment as soon as I see the little body take form on the screen.
We have an early ultra sound video where you can hear me say “I’m just so happy it's still there!” I've come to the realization that, until my last earthly
breath has exited my lungs, I will always worry about this baby.
At the beginning, I was so worried about this wonderful gift being taken away
that I barely allowed enough room in my head to contemplate that I will be a
mommy. Infertility has stolen from me a blissful, naive pregnancy. Will I ever
get over it? How do I identify myself now? I'm pregnant and elated but why can
I still remember the taste of bitterness and jealousy? I thought it would
magically disappear into an oblivion of happiness. There were times when I
shared the news with other childless women and I cried afterward because I know the
feeling. I still remember exactly how it feels to hear about another pregnancy when you
want/wanted it so badly for yourself. Only now, I'm giving that feeling to other women and I felt shame.
In Germany, pregnant women get a “Mutterpass” or a “Mother
Passport” that they are to bring with them to each appointment and carry it
with them wherever they go. This way, all of the information about the baby,
pregnancy, and mom is all together in one place. Should anything happen, you just
present the little booklet to the caregivers and they get a complete history. I didn't get
a Mutterpass right away. I was about 11 weeks before I finally laid eyes on mine. I was convinced
they were holding out on me because they weren't sure the baby was growing adequately. Eddie tried to reassure me that this wasn't the case.
There came a point when my doctor realized that my silly questions were not so silly after all. She’d seen our history and knew about where I worked. We were sitting at her desk and she looked me in the eye and said “Mrs. Frick, you have nothing to worry about.” For years, I've heard things like, “It’s cancer. We need to operate. It could be cancer again. There is no sperm. Your only option is ICSI. The follicles didn't mature. We didn't retrieve many eggs this time. You aren't pregnant.” So to finally hear someone say I have nothing to worry about was a very strange moment for me. Never have those words been said to me in such sincerity. She reassured me I would be giving birth to a pink, chubby baby. Although I knew her words were no guarantee, I needed it and, that day, I finally got my “Mutterpass.” I walked out of the office, with my ultrasound pics in-hand, feeling like I was walking on sunshine. I was proud of those blurry pictures. I wanted to show them to everyone. At the grocery store, “I know you would like to see an acceptable form of payment…but what about these ultrasound pics instead?!?” Random person in the elevator, “Oh, hey, want to see my Mutterpass and ultrasound pics? No? Just trying to get off on your floor? Ok.” I’m telling you what, after struggling to get pregnant for so long and finally having those pictures of life growing inside me finally in my hand, I could only think one thing - Charlie Bucket doesn't know shit about a “golden ticket.”
(The first gift for Baby Frick/Mommy from Aunt Elisabeth. It's a cover for my Mutterpass.)
There came a point when my doctor realized that my silly questions were not so silly after all. She’d seen our history and knew about where I worked. We were sitting at her desk and she looked me in the eye and said “Mrs. Frick, you have nothing to worry about.” For years, I've heard things like, “It’s cancer. We need to operate. It could be cancer again. There is no sperm. Your only option is ICSI. The follicles didn't mature. We didn't retrieve many eggs this time. You aren't pregnant.” So to finally hear someone say I have nothing to worry about was a very strange moment for me. Never have those words been said to me in such sincerity. She reassured me I would be giving birth to a pink, chubby baby. Although I knew her words were no guarantee, I needed it and, that day, I finally got my “Mutterpass.” I walked out of the office, with my ultrasound pics in-hand, feeling like I was walking on sunshine. I was proud of those blurry pictures. I wanted to show them to everyone. At the grocery store, “I know you would like to see an acceptable form of payment…but what about these ultrasound pics instead?!?” Random person in the elevator, “Oh, hey, want to see my Mutterpass and ultrasound pics? No? Just trying to get off on your floor? Ok.” I’m telling you what, after struggling to get pregnant for so long and finally having those pictures of life growing inside me finally in my hand, I could only think one thing - Charlie Bucket doesn't know shit about a “golden ticket.”
When it came to finding out the sex of our baby, we didn't want to know. I liked watching people burst a blood vessel in their head while
trying to contemplate why we didn't want to find out or how we could possibly
stand the suspense. Turns out, everything is pretty much developed at 11 weeks
and it was pretty hard to miss on the ultrasound. Thank you all for being so
interested in our story/pregnancy/baby. No matter what the last word of the
next sentence is, the beginning would always remain true.
Glory be to God, it’s
a boy.
And if that wasn't easy enough, we've had the named picked out for years!
Introducing...
Eduard Frick III
(Yes, with a U instead of a W...just like his dad and Opa!)
Germany vs. America
(20 "facts" this time because they were missing from the last post.)
300. If your cell phone is turned off in Germany, and someone calls during that time, you will get a notification when you turn your phone back on. Do phones do that in America now-a-days? It used to not be that way.
301. You can't buy alcohol in the stores after 10 PM in Germany.
302. When you are buying fruit in the grocery stores, you have to take it to a machine that weighs it and will print out a sticker with the price on it. You put the sticker on the bag and then the cash register person will check you out. Don't forget to do that or you will get some dirty stares! Also, pay attention which grapes you chose...or you will get more dirty stares when the attendant has to leave her post to help you. :(
303. Many times, pizza will be delivered on a mo-ped/scooter in Germany/Switzerland.
304. Cheddar cheese is hard to come by in Germany, a lot of times the local grocery store doesn't carry it.
305. Glaucoma = Gruener Star = Green Star? in German.
306. You are not allowed to dance on Good Friday in Germany. No joke, there are signs posted in the clubs! I need to do a little more investigation on this topic.
307. Mars is a popular candy bar in Germany that we don't have in the US. I think it's a mix between a Milky Way and a Three Musketeer?
308. Cross word puzzles even look different in Germany. The clues are written within the grid squares.
309. Sloth = Faultier = "Lazy animal" (Come on now Germans, that's just plain lazy to name it that!)
310. Skunk = Stinktier = "Stink animal" (Again...really?)
311. In Germany, you ask to pay at the end of the meal. In America, they kinda know when to bring you the check. Unless you're in a hurry, you don't usually ask.
312. If you are just a few mins late to a movie, it is frowned upon to enter.
313. According to Eddie, pain management during a root canal is way better in America.
314. Prior to getting married, the longest Eddie and I had ever spent together was about 3 months (during his chemo treatment).
315. The longest we were apart was 5 months (from the time we met until the time we saw each other again).
316. Eddie had his first corn dog at the Canfield fair in Ohio and he liked it! They don't have corn dogs in Germany, I'm more than ok with that.
317. I'm not ok with no Outbacks in Germany. (There is only one Outback in Australia.)
318. Eddie loves to look at the non-food items in German grocery stores to find deals.
319. They do not have hibachi style restaurants in Germany. At least not in our area. No bueño!
