As we pull into the parking garage at the fertility clinic, my pulse quickens. Eddie drives down to the lower parking level even though the green light clearly indicates there are parking spots available on this level. I question his decision and he replies, "Oh, sorry, habit." We haven't been here in about two years yet we're falling into old habits? That surprises and scares me at the same time. He backs into the ridiculously small, European parking spot and I feel a lump in my throat. Ed asks me how the spacing is on my side and I open my mouth to speak but, of the three words "it looks good," only "good" squeaks out. Shit. Did he notice? He will surely scold me if he notices me getting emotional already. I can't let him see that I'm having a reaction this soon in the game or he may call the whole thing off.
As I get out of the car, I hastily fan away the tears in my eyes and pack "Baby" Eddie into his stroller. Our family of 3 boards the elevator and I feel the all-too-familiar dizziness kick in. Why is it that EVERY TIME I step foot on and off of it, I feel light-headed? I'm convinced they siphon the oxygen out of this tiny elevator. It's either that or my body reacts physically to the stress associated with this building.
We enter the office and I give the place a once-over. Nothing has seemed to change except for some of the staff. They ask my name and I think "You don't know me now but you will soon." If this turns out anything like the last time(s), they'll soon recognize my face when I open the office door. I'm not even sure these women know what I look like when I smile as I leave about 75% of my appointments in tears.
It was strange walking those halls holding my son's hand. Just down the hall was where he was cryopreserved for months (frozen in sub-zero temps). He had the tendency to run (waddle) in that direction. I wondered if something in him remembered this place. How many times have these walls seen me cry? Walk with my head held low? This time, I was looking down, but into the eyes of my 13 month old son. Hallelujah!
The waiting room is different now. It's the exact same but it has a different feeling. My skin used to crawl as I waited here back in 2014. I waited with my eyes closed in fear of getting a glimpse of someone else's gravid stomach. Before, I never looked twice at the toys in the corner but now I am removing my one-year-old from his stroller to go play with them.
(Note: There may have been an egg mix up as my son looks NOTHING like me.)
Dear fellow-woman-in-the-waiting-room-at-the-fertility-clinic,
I know what this may look like. We brought our son with us to our appointment today. If you're anything like the former me, you may be thinking "Look, lady, you already have a baby. Go home and give the rest of us a chance to get our first!" My son, much like his Daddy, is a charmer. He noticed you walk in and hasn't taken his eyes off of you since...(my son, that is). I wish I could whisper to him to be gentle with you. I tell him to wave "hi" but he doesn't. Maybe it's better that way. I don't know how deep your wounds are or how badly you're aching for a little one yourself. He finally flashes you a smile, complete with his new pearly, stubby teeth. You give him a genuine smile back and I relax a bit. Part of me wants to blurt out "IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" I feel the urge to explain myself to you. I feel the need to confess that I wasn't always this happy! I am laughing and whispering things to my son now but if we could rewind 2 years you'd see me weeping on my bathroom tiled floor. You'd see that my arms weren't always full with a toddler, stroller, diaper bag, sippy cup, toys, etc. Instead you'd see me and my husband sitting exactly where you are now - alone, tired, exhausted, desperate, broken...bro-ken. I'm tempted to tell you not to give up - that it does work sometimes. If we make eye contact again, I may hold up 4 fingers and point to my son. I'll mouth "he was our fourth try." But none of that happens. No words are spoken at all. Our name is called first to go back and see the doctor and I feel the need to apologize that, yet again, it was our turn before yours.
(It's been a while since my Psychology 101 course, is this some twisted form of projection?)
I gather up Eddie and jokingly tell him "Let's go meet your earthly creator!" Our doctor greets us at her office door and tells us how nice it is to see us with a baby. We talk about the specifics of our next attempt and a bit about our last one. I find it strange that she keeps referring to our last attempt, the successful one, the one that made us parents, as "the blastocyst."
"Blastocyst: A thin-walled hollow structure in early embryonic development that contains a cluster of cells called the inner cell mass from which the embryo arises. The outer layer of cells gives rise to the placenta and other supporting tissues needed for fetal development within the uterus while the inner cell mass cells gives rise to the tissues of the body. -MedicineNet
I watched her flip through our chart and briefly saw the picture of "the blastocyst." I wanted to snatch it from the pile and show it to my son and say "Looky here! You were 5 days old here!" but I held myself back.
We left the office and gathered our coats from the waiting room. I looked at the couple still seated and contemplated wishing them luck. On second thought, she may already be pregnant. For all I know, she could have 3 little ones at home and is finally enjoying some peace and quiet. After all, maybe it's not what it looks like.
America vs. Germany
340. It is considered bad luck to wish someone a happy birthday before their actual birthday. Similarly, if you are going to have a party, it must be in the days after your birthday. Never before.
341. They do not have wedding showers or baby showers here. Probably because celebrating anything before the actual event date brings bad luck?
342. You still have to weigh many fruit/vegetable produce before proceeding to the check-out. Whereas, in America, they weigh it for you at the register.
343. Sometimes after a guest speaker gives a presentation or a speech, the crowd or the students will knock on the desk/table in front of them to show their appreciation instead of clapping. That was strange the first time I witnessed that.
344. In nursing school and throughout my career as a nurse, we were always taught to clean a newborns eyes from the corner of the eye and outward. Apparently, once you cross the Prime Meridian, it's the opposite. They clean babies' eyes from the outside inward toward the tear duct.
345. The cops don't sit on the side of the roads as much here. You're more likely to see a speeding camera than a cruiser hiding.
346. Companies are no longer allowed to give plastic bags out for free. You must now pay for them in an attempt to reduce the plastic pollution. Makes me think of this in the US -
347. When getting on and off an elevator, you greet the others taking a ride with you.
348. I may have mentioned this one before but the "Close Door" button on elevators actually works in Europe.
349. Since having a baby I learned that animals make different sounds over here too.
Frog - "ribbit ribbit" - "qvuark qvuark"
Duck - "quack quack" - "nack nack nack nack"
Rooster - "cock-a-doodle-do" - "kickeree kee"
Dog - "bow wow" - "vow vow"
Donkey - "hee haw" - "ee aw"
Horses don't say neigh...they don't really say anything.
