Cautiously optimistic to Charlie Bucket - Gender Reveal

So, you know the saying, “boy, girl, doesn't matter, as long as it’s healthy?” ‘Tis true, ‘tis true. But I found myself repeating a very twisted version of that. People would give me a strange look when I would say, “boy, girl, doesn't matter, as long as it’s only got one set of genitals.” I've seen a few times where babies were born and the sex wasn't so obvious. It is a very sad moment for the parents. They aren't able to yell with glee “It’s a boy!” or shout down the hospital corridors “It’s a girl!” Balloons are popped (literally and figuratively) and cigars go unlit. “But, Rachel, how is it not possible to know the difference between a penis and a vagina.” Oh, it’s possible. Google – ambiguous genitalia newborn.

My strange comments didn't stop there. I’m quite possibly the weirdest patient my German doctor has had for a while. During one of our first appointments I asked, “Hat es ein Gehirn?/Does it have a brain?” My doctor giggled awkwardly and said “Yes! Of course, Mrs. Frick, it has a brain!” She continued, “It even has fingers and toes!” I wanted to say, “Listen, lady. You’re not going to get me going with pictures of toes. Although, I may slightly be interested in extra or missing digits as it could be a sign of other genetic anomalies, you’re going to have to work a little bit harder.” What I really wanted to tell her was “If you want to get a good reaction out of this Mama, show me a four chamber heart. Show me a closed spinal column. Show me an intact lip. Want to make this Mama tear up? Show me proof that everything that is supposed to be in the abdomen is in the abdomen and not stuck up in the chest or floating around outside the body! If you want me to swell with pride, don’t tell me how cute the baby is, tell me my placenta is appropriately attached and I have an ample of amount amniotic fluid.”

My innocence and naivety was stripped of me long ago. So long ago that I’m not even convinced it ever existed. I blame it on the job and infertility too. Let's face it, as NICU nurses, we see a lot of effed up shizz. Crap you didn't even know could happen to a baby inside the womb or out. As excited as I was to finally be pregnant, there was a small part in my head telling me not to get too excited. I had bleeding at the beginning. It was only once, and light, but still enough to make my stressed out mind fill to the brim with more anxiety. I couldn't help but worry if this, too, was going to be taken away from me. Am I crazy? Is it evilness filling my mind with such thoughts? Or am I completely normal?

I've spent so many years worrying. I figured it would lessen once I finally got pregnant. No. No way. I found myself worrying to see the heartbeat. I thought to myself, “if I could only see the heart beating, I'll relax.” On that appointment, we were told by our infertility doc to be “cautiously optimistic.” Whatever that meant? We were told for many weeks after that that the baby was measuring smaller than expected. Again, more stress and worrying.

Waiting for a heartbeat turned into, “if I can make it to 12 weeks, I'll relax.” When I reached that, I anxiously waited for the kicks. Those glorious jabs are finally here and they are a reminder that things are ok. However, now I hope for the 24 weeks mark when this baby is considered viable where I work. But then again, 24 weeks is way too early, maybe 35 weeks is better because it could dodge a stay in the NICU. No, better yet, a “term” 37 weeker would be great. Please tell me I'm not the only mom that worries about this/asks these questions!

I've cried at each appointment as soon as I see the little body take form on the screen. We have an early ultra sound video where you can hear me say “I’m just so happy it's still there!” I've come to the realization that, until my last earthly breath has exited my lungs, I will always worry about this baby.

At the beginning, I was so worried about this wonderful gift being taken away that I barely allowed enough room in my head to contemplate that I will be a mommy. Infertility has stolen from me a blissful, naive pregnancy. Will I ever get over it? How do I identify myself now? I'm pregnant and elated but why can I still remember the taste of bitterness and jealousy? I thought it would magically disappear into an oblivion of happiness. There were times when I shared the news with other childless women and I cried afterward because I know the feeling. I still remember exactly how it feels to hear about another pregnancy when you want/wanted it so badly for yourself. Only now, I'm giving that feeling to other women and I felt shame.

In Germany, pregnant women get a “Mutterpass” or a “Mother Passport” that they are to bring with them to each appointment and carry it with them wherever they go. This way, all of the information about the baby, pregnancy, and mom is all together in one place. Should anything happen, you just present the little booklet to the caregivers and they get a complete history. I didn't get a Mutterpass right away. I was about 11 weeks before I finally laid eyes on mine. I was convinced they were holding out on me because they weren't sure the baby was growing adequately. Eddie tried to reassure me that this wasn't the case.

(The first gift for Baby Frick/Mommy from Aunt Elisabeth. It's a cover for my Mutterpass.)

There came a point when my doctor realized that my silly questions were not so silly after all. She’d seen our history and knew about where I worked. We were sitting at her desk and she looked me in the eye and said “Mrs. Frick, you have nothing to worry about.” For years, I've heard things like, “It’s cancer. We need to operate. It could be cancer again. There is no sperm. Your only option is ICSI. The follicles didn't mature. We didn't retrieve many eggs this time. You aren't pregnant.” So to finally hear someone say I have nothing to worry about was a very strange moment for me. Never have those words been said to me in such sincerity. She reassured me I would be giving birth to a pink, chubby baby. Although I knew her words were no guarantee, I needed it and, that day, I finally got my “Mutterpass.” I walked out of the office, with my ultrasound pics in-hand, feeling like I was walking on sunshine. I was proud of those blurry pictures. I wanted to show them to everyone. At the grocery store, “I know you would like to see an acceptable form of payment…but what about these ultrasound pics instead?!?” Random person in the elevator, “Oh, hey, want to see my Mutterpass and ultrasound pics? No? Just trying to get off on your floor? Ok.” I’m telling you what, after struggling to get pregnant for so long and finally having those pictures of life growing inside me finally in my hand, I could only think one thing - Charlie Bucket doesn't know shit about a “golden ticket.”

When it came to finding out the sex of our baby, we didn't want to know. I liked watching people burst a blood vessel in their head while trying to contemplate why we didn't want to find out or how we could possibly stand the suspense. Turns out, everything is pretty much developed at 11 weeks and it was pretty hard to miss on the ultrasound. Thank you all for being so interested in our story/pregnancy/baby. No matter what the last word of the next sentence is, the beginning would always remain true.

Glory be to God, it’s a boy.

And if that wasn't easy enough, we've had the named picked out for years!

Introducing...

Eduard Frick III

(Yes, with a U instead of a W...just like his dad and Opa!)


Germany vs. America
(20 "facts" this time because they were missing from the last post.)

300.   If your cell phone is turned off in Germany, and someone calls during that time, you will get a notification when you turn your phone back on. Do phones do that in America now-a-days? It used to not be that way.

301.   You can't buy alcohol in the stores after 10 PM in Germany.

302.  When you are buying fruit in the grocery stores, you have to take it to a machine that weighs it and will print out a sticker with the price on it. You put the sticker on the bag and then the cash register person will check you out. Don't forget to do that or you will get some dirty stares! Also, pay attention which grapes you chose...or you will get more dirty stares when the attendant has to leave her post to help you.  :(

303.   Many times, pizza will be delivered on a mo-ped/scooter in Germany/Switzerland. 

304.   Cheddar cheese is hard to come by in Germany, a lot of times the local grocery store doesn't carry it.

305.   Glaucoma = Gruener Star = Green Star? in German.

306.   You are not allowed to dance on Good Friday in Germany. No joke, there are signs posted in the clubs! I need to do a little more investigation on this topic.

307.   Mars is a popular candy bar in Germany that we don't have in the US. I think it's a mix between a Milky Way and a Three Musketeer?

308.   Cross word puzzles even look different in Germany. The clues are written within the grid squares.

309.    Sloth = Faultier = "Lazy animal" (Come on now Germans, that's just plain lazy to name it that!)

310.   Skunk = Stinktier = "Stink animal" (Again...really?)

311.   In Germany, you ask to pay at the end of the meal. In America, they kinda know when to bring you the check. Unless you're in a hurry, you don't usually ask.

312.   If you are just a few mins late to a movie, it is frowned upon to enter.

313.   According to Eddie, pain management during a root canal is way better in America.

314.   Prior to getting married, the longest Eddie and I had ever spent together was about 3 months (during his chemo treatment).

315.   The longest we were apart was 5 months (from the time we met until the time we saw each other again).

316.   Eddie had his first corn dog at the Canfield fair in Ohio and he liked it! They don't have corn dogs in Germany, I'm more than ok with that.

317.   I'm not ok with no Outbacks in Germany. (There is only one Outback in Australia.)

318.   Eddie loves to look at the non-food items in German grocery stores to find deals.

319.   They do not have hibachi style restaurants in Germany. At least not in our area. No bueño!

Stuck at the Starting Gate

I see posts all the time about how parents of young children need to cherish the early years. They say that the time goes by so fast because the kids grow so fast. They can't believe their little one is walking or outgrowing 2T clothing or starting preschool. I'm not a mother but I see time flying by along with all of you...only from the outside. I remember when you got pregnant. I remember distinctly because I blocked you. (Sorry, not sorry anymore.) I remember your announcement because it coincided with a failed attempt of mine. Or maybe I remember the day you shared the big news with me because I foolishly thought we would be pregnant together. I imagined us pushing strollers along side one another. Better yet, I remember when a few of you met your husband! I remember you getting engaged and planning your wedding and saying "I do." You met your husband, got engaged, got married, and had a baby...all while I was trying so desperately for just the last part.

An old college friend contacted me about her struggles to conceive and she worded it pretty well. She said it was like she was "stuck at the starting gate." I felt the exact same way sometimes. It's as if an imaginary starting horn sounded and everyone took off running without me. We've been struggling for so long that people have begun double and even triple lapping us!

I see your little one growing and it makes me happy and sad at the same time too. Time is going by so fast. I never thought I'd be over 30 before I had my first baby. It's crazy to think we've been trying for over 3 years.

We tried again.

I know a lot of you have been waiting for another post but I didn't know how to word this one.

After our third failed attempt I had to wait for my following cycle...which decided to take about 50 days to show up. I mean why not toy with my emotions a little more, ya know? During the end of those 50 days I took 2 pregnancy tests because I've never been so late. Nope. Both negative. That'll show me not to get my hopes up like that again. Yea, I'm an idiot. Wanna know why it was so late coming? Because it was waiting for Mother's Day to show up. Mmm hm, it wanted to make a dramatic appearance on the day where I already feel pretty lousy but have to hide it for all the mothers I celebrate with on that day.

Luckily, this time around, I didn't have to be stimulated with daily hormone injections because we had frozen ones left over from last time. Instead of triggering my ovulation, we waited for it to naturally run its course. Seems simple enough...only I had to have my blood drawn every other day to monitor my hormone levels. Along with that, they had to do ultrasounds to observe my follicle sizes. Again, internal ultrasounds...I dream of the day of transabdominal ultrasounds! It was really important not to miss the day of ovulation because 4 days after that would be the transfer. It had to be timed perfectly. 

(::yawn:: another day another dolla'...)

On Eddie's birthday we had one of our frozen embryos put back in. They called it a "blastocyst" because it developed for 5 days before it was cryopreserved (put in the deep deep deep freezer) from our last attempt. It was many cells at that point.

(I used to take smiling pictures with this stork, however, I'm beginning to believe he only hangs there to mock me.)

Ed and I had been calling it "Olaf!" 
... get it? Because he was frozen! ;)

(Meet "Olaf" - 5 days old)

That's what Olaf looked like the day he was put back in.

This is what Olaf looked like 4.5 weeks later.

(Between the two X's - 7+1 weeks )

And two weeks after that! -

( 9 weeks + 1 day)

AND TWO WEEKS AFTER THAT! 

(11+1)

Ladies and gentlemen around the world,

(1 Samuel 1:27)
For I prayed for this child;
and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.

PRAISE BE TO GOD!

I am pregnant.

(5 weeks later at 16+1)

Introducing - Baby Frick
Due February, 2015

My First German Friend

I've never had a request for a blog entry before. Sure, people ask when I will write something again or what my next topic will be but this is the first time someone actually asked for something. She asked me a while ago and I bet she doesn't even remember asking. It very well may have been a joke but what better day to write her something than on her birthday. This post is for the first German girlfriend I ever made...my sister-in-law, Olivia Frick.

(Being creeps - 2012)

When I met Olivia, there was a bit of an age difference. I just turned 21 and Olivia was 10. Given that fact, you'd think we would have very little in common...but oh how wrong that is! Lucky for us, I stopped mentally maturing around that age too. We bonded over important matters such as Harry Potter and Disney - Disney channel series, Disney channel movies, and Disney movies. The day we met, she was frolicking in the waters of Riviera Maya, Mexico and I believe my first words to her were - "I like your bathing suit." 10-year-old Olivia was wearing a leopard one-piece bathing suit and we've been best buds ever since.

Here is an unclear picture of the scene of the crime in 2006 -

Olivia is responsible for making her brother's approach to my sister and I less intimidating. If Eddie had not had his little sister by his side when he came up to us that day in the water, I'm not so sure we would have stuck around to chat. She was his wing-girl and she did a darn good job!

The first time I visited Germany, Olivia made things a little easier and a lot less awkward when it came to the language. Even at 10 years of age, this little Fräulein spoke (almost) perfect English! Olivia has a gift of making everyone who meets her feels warm and welcome.

(Europa Park - 2006 - Just a baby here!)

Over the years, we've bonded over the love of all things dog-...

...food-...

...and fun-related!

(At a street parade - 2009?)

(Movies 2008?)

(Europa Park - 2012)

She keeps me updated on today's music and I try to teach her all I know about old school rap.

(Bruno Mars Concert - 2011)

I don't know what I would do without my buddy sitting next to me at the dinner tables either. It's nice to crack jokes to one another without the others hearing!

(2006)

(2007)

(2010)

(2014 - Olivia usually always sits to my right.)

(Siski Sisters)

(Bad hair days.)

(Thanks for always being my wrestling watching partner!)

It's funny to look back on all the pictures and see all her different hair styles/colors...while mine has basically stayed the same. Olivia's new job is pulling out my gray hairs. Yes, I have gray hair before age 30. But hey, Schnolivs (one of her many nick names), how about we don't comment on that anymore? How about you just pull them out when you see them and be done? K. Thanks!

I've done her hair...

(2007)

I've taken her to get her hair dyed...

(2010)

I've taken her to get her hair styled.

(2011)

But I'll never forget the day she called and told me to come over to help her shave her head - 

(2012)

I held the ponytail as I watched my 16 year old sister-in-law chop it off. With bravery I'm not sure I could have mustered up myself, she shaved the remaining inches off.

Her cancer diagnosis hit me hard. Our text conversation went something like this -

"It's cancer."
"Shit, Schnolivs..."
I'm pretty sure I told her "Ok...we'll get through this." Or something along those lines but you'll have to ask her.

What I didn't tell her was how scared I was. I was scared for her, I was scared for her family and I was scared for me. Did I really have enough energy left in me to support another person I loved through this cancer process? I hadn't accessed that part of myself for many years. I had hoped that that was over and done with...but it was back. How was a 16-year-old young woman going to handle this? We were about to find out.

Her treatment was hard. It was hard on her mentally and physically. She lost contact with friends during that time but, then again, who's to judge how other 16-year-olds handle such a complex situation? Hell, at age 26, I questioned how much more I could take.

I took her to chemo many times and sat and did my language course homework while she got the infusions. I watched the way she interacted with the nurses, doctors and other children/parents in the room and it made me proud. The only people who didn't receive the "Olivia Charm" were the hospital clowns. She hated them! Ok and maybe the one woman who came in to talk to her about religion. She was NOT in the mood that day.

One day, while walking out of the hospital, I was a few steps ahead of her and I turned around just in time to see her fall. It was the first time of many where her legs would simply give out on her. How frustrating must that be to be 16 and not have your body do what you want? I saw her fall in slow motion. I thought she was joking. I don't even think I helped her up. It surprised me and reminded me of the time Eddie and I went for a walk after his chemo and he puked next to a log. I bathed Eddie during his cancer battle and I can proudly say I helped bathe Olivia too. She wanted to take a bath and wash her hair but didn't have the strength so I had the honor of helping her with her hair.

(Trying on wigs together - 2012.)

When her hair finally began to grow back in, I had to honor of taking her to get her first hair cut.

Once her hair grew back, Olivia made the decision to never dye her hair again...and she's stuck to it! Not many girls her age can say they are comfortable with their natural hair color. As believers of natural hair color, Eddie and I support her!

Olivia is studying to be a nurse. I've mentioned in my last blog how proud this makes me. Like I said earlier, she has a gift of making people feel comfortable and I am excited for all of her future patients who will be lucky to receive care from her.

These days, Olivia lives about an hour away in Freiburg. I always get excited when she comes back home. We express our excitement towards each other by immediately stripping out of our jeans, putting on sweat pants and watching a couple hours of TV. Sometimes when I come home, it's nice to see Olivia's pants lying on my closet floor. It makes me smile even though it means either Eddie or I will be missing a pair of sweat pants. To me, it means Olivia's home!

Our favorite shows to bond over are 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom (1-3). I like to think her family has me to thank for the fact that she wasn't "16 and pregnant" and we only have 365 more days before we can officially say she wasn't a "teen mom." You're welcome, Frick family, you're welcome. She makes me proud with her decision to not smoke when so many people her age do. I can't take credit for that though. I think the majority goes to my husband Eddie and the fact that when you deal with cancer once, you rarely want to risk meeting it again!

If we're not watching TV we're playing video games. She's the only chick here that I know of that can keep up in Call of Duty. The only other girl I know lives in America and I also call her my best friend.

Olivia moved away about a year ago. I really don't know what I would have done without her over the years. When I moved here, I wasn't working but now that I am and she is studying our meetings are that much sweeter. Even my grandmother asked me "What are you going to do without Olivia?!" I never had a younger sister before and now I have 2 really great ones. I hope they're satisfied with their older sister!

Thanks for this roller coaster ride of a relationship!

 (Pretending to be scared/excited on a really slow ride.)

It's been fun!

 (Try to ignore the fact that that woman's face is abnormally blue and it looks like her right arm is bent at a weird angle.)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OLIVIA!

WE LOVE YOU!

-RETO

America vs. Germany

291.   Levi's are popular in Germany and are expensive. They're cheap in the States...not to mention the fact that no one between the ages of 10-40 wear them. ($40 is <30 Euros)

292.   Halloween is a lot more popular in the States but it is slowly growing in Germany.

293.   Dog the Bounty Hunter is dubbed over on German television. I think that show plays in over 40 countries...

294.   HORNHAUTVERKRÜMMUNG = astigmatism...in case you ever needed to know that one.

295.   German doors are a lot higher quality than ours. You can imagine my frustration when Eddie taught our rottweilers how to open them. I'm sure they are not cheap to replace!

296.   Not many Americans know what schnitzel is. We always say "weiner schnitzel" but actually schnitzel is just flattened, breaded meat that can be fried. There is pork schnitzel, chicken schnitzel, beef schnitzel etc. etc...

297.   On the first day of school, German children get a bunch of candy in a cornucopia shaped bouquet. It's hard to describe, so here is a picture. It's a cute tradition!

298.   I took Eddie to Schmidt's in German Village once. He told me they don't eat mac-n-cheese, he had a cream puff only once when he was younger, and they don't wear what the staff wear there...

299.   Windpocken - Wind Pox - Chicken Pox (for once, our word is weirder!)

300.   Sometimes I smile when I hear the word "über" used back home because it means "overly" in German and makes sense when you translate it in the English sentence.