Drum Roll Please...

So I'm not going to drag this out any longer than I have to. Frankly, I just don't have the energy. 

It didn't work.

Sorry to disappoint. I know a lot of you have been praying hard and I am truly, wholeheartedly grateful. Thank you for your continued support.

If you need me, I'll be that quivering creature under the heap of blankets on the bed.

(Just kidding, off to work in hopes no one looks at me wrong and I break down.)

19 + Hilariously Mispronouced Words by Eddie Frick

I'm standing at my patient's isolette and charting my recent findings. I lift my pen from the paper (yes, we still paper chart) and my thoughts drift elsewhere again. I'm physically there but mentally I am way far away. I've been on night shift the past week. It's been over a week since the transfer and, as mentally exhausted as I am, I should be thankful for the distraction of work. While I'm at work, only every other thought is about my own babies while simultaneously helping to prevent other people's babies from dying. (Overly dramatic, I know.) :)

After the night shift, I make my way home and clamber into bed. Before I doze off I ask God again to continue to help our babies grow. With His help and the exhaustion of taking care of critically ill babies all night, sleep eventually comes. When I wake up, I roll over and reach for my phone. I text Eddie to tell him I'm awake. It's weird but I love when I'm still half asleep and he comes and wakes me up completely. He is usually somewhere in the house or outside with Teddy trying to keep him occupied and quiet so I can get some rest. When Ed peeks through the bedroom door I smile. I smile because he's smiling. I missed him while I was asleep. I take off my blindfold completely and pull out my ear plugs and we smooch. This happens every time he's home when I wake up from a night shift. He never texts me back and says "Aw, come on, hun, just get up and meet me in the living room." He always comes to get me.

We chit chat a little about my night and I ask him about his day so far. Then he smiles and says "Day 10."

"Day 10!" I repeat.

We have a mini celebration but in my head I worry because I haven't actually gotten up to go pee yet.

I'd be lying if I told you I think about anything else during my waking hours. These weeks of waiting are torturous. Yet I secretly try to savor them. Truth is...I'm scared. I'm really, really, really scared. I'm terrified for this week to end.

"Don't worry." They say.

"Try not to be too stressed out," they advise.

Hah, yea right. As nerve racking as they are, I wish I could bottle these days up and save them. During these days, Eddie and I are still hopeful. We talk about the embryos. We talk about the possibility of twins. We discuss name choices. Sometimes we get ahead of ourselves and talk about how we really need to pay attention to their friend choices later in life and that we need to stress the importance of not smoking...but then we come back down from our high. We can't be too delusional.

But sometimes, the darker thoughts creep in. "Rachel, don't you dare get your hopes up again. Don't you dare be so stupid! You remember what happened last time? And the time before that?!" My brain is trying to protect me while my heart holds on to hope and my spirit tries to give it all to God. I'm not sure if I'm being realistic or if it's Satan trying to put these bad thoughts in my head but it's tiring. I wish I had an app on my phone where I could check to see what those two little stinkers are doing in there.

I fight the urge to take a home pregnancy test too. I bought one in the States for like 89 cents at Walmart so it's probably not the best of quality. I think only the expensive ones are really sensitive to the HCG increases. 

"But if it's twins I'll have a higher level and it might detect it!" I point out to Eddie. 

He won't let me take it. I can hear it yelling for me from the bathroom as I type this entry.

"Pee on me! Hurry, pee on me before Eddie gets home!" it's saying.

If I could see on the test that it is positive I would worry less. But what if it were negative? It would put me in a funk and I'd try to convince myself it's way too early. Or I'd curse Walmart for selling faulty products.

Our appointment is on Monday but I usually don't even need that appointment. Usually I know 2-4 days before the appointment that it didn't work. As the days go by, the more anxious I get to go to the bathroom. I can't help but think that in a few days I could be wishing and begging to come back to these days. The days where our hope and dreams were in full bloom.

So my blog has been kind of dramatic lately. I wanted to switch things up a bit with this one. Although getting pregnant consumes the majority of my consciousness, I am for the most part very happy. The main thing that keeps me this way is the love of my husband. I've mentioned in a few posts before how being married to a foreigner (me referring to Eddie or Eddie referring to me) can be very interesting. Especially when it comes to verbal communication. Things get twisted, skewed, and lost in translation. There can be a lot of reading between the lines on what the other might mean while trying to talk in another language.

I got this idea from a list on Buzzfeed and decided to make my own about Eddie. When Eddie and I were dating I started keeping a list of all the words he would say incorrectly. I would never correct him because I thought it was adorable. Is that cruel? Maybe. Do I love a cheap thrill? Who doesn't? I knew one day Eddie would say all these words correctly. I knew that, with time, he would eventually correct himself...and he has. It's amazing how perfect his English is. I'm proud but it makes me a little said that he has lost his thick accent. 

I kinda, briefly, sorta, indirectly got his permission to make this entry about his earlier mistakes but I'm also excited to see how he reacts after I actually post it. He's going to be mad...haha, I can't wait!

Instead of ankle.

Eddie - "Babe, my angle really hurts."

Me - "Hm...ok...?"

I mean, it's close because some people chose to be cremated but that is done in a crematory. Cemetery + Crematory = Cremetary?

The first time he said, "Hey, look at that man with the two crickets under his arms," the man above morphed into the man below right before my eyes 

This one made me giggle because I couldn't help but imagine the fire extinguisher talking:

Get it? Because it distinguished between what is a fire and what is not a fire?

Instead of mouth hygiene. I laughed every time this vision came to my head:

Close, Ed. You were real close.

So if I saw that he got something on his "napkin" I would know to hand him a "chin."

He made the plural plural.

Similarly...

When he said "Wow, that car has a lot of roast on it!" I imagined this:

In the morning, Eddie would ask me to make him some "scrumbled eggs."

"Coming right up, dear!" I'd say and hurry to the kitchen with a big smile on my face.

The difference between scrambled eggs and scrumbled eggs? More adorableness and love are in the scrumbled ones.

I mean, you have to give him partial credit on this one. If you're being strangled you're probably going to struggle a bit.

In all fairness, this is a direct translation from German "Zahnfleisch" but still really silly.

"My brother has really big teeth meat."

"Hm...ya don't say."

This one was really confusing. When we were sitting on the couch he asked me if I could hand him a tissue. I didn't have a box of Kleenexes on the coffee table. He wasn't crying. So I slowly grabbed the nearest object next to me, a throw pillow, and handed it over to him hesitantly...

He took it! And put his head on it! "Phew!" I thought and from that moment on I had to make a mental note that Tissue = Pillow.

"Hey Babe, can I have a zip of your water."

This one always melted my heart.

"If this was the last drop of liquid on this earth I would give it to you because you just called it a 'zip.'" I felt like saying.

But instead I'd hand over my glass and say "Sure!"

Instead of unicorn. Are you guys falling for his cuteness too?!?

This might be a German mistake but he'd sometime switch the "V" in words and pronounce them like a "W."
Other examples: "Did you go wisit your grandma when you were home?"
"It's cold out so I think I'll wear my west."

He used to pronounce the silent "B" at the end of words like "bomB." They pronounce each letter in German. Silly language!

Ok, this one is my all time favorite because it makes the sentence really akward. One day Eddie proudly said to me "I gave Teddy (our dog) semen for breakfast! And he liked it!"

...
.....
...
....
...
My brain was working overtime trying to figure out what in the hell he could mean. Surely he doesn't mean what he said.
Calmly, I asked "Do you mean....salmon?"
"Ooops, haha, yea!"
"Oh thank the good Lord!" I wanted to say.
For the record, I did correct that one. I can't have him making that mistake on the streets.

So I know what you guys are thinking. You're thinking -
1. Why didn't I marry a European?
2. Rachel, why are you not in graphic design.

The answer to number one is...you still have time (unless you're already married, then enjoy your boring life full of clear messages and no misunderstandings). Might I recommend going to Mexico in search for a cute, single European.

As for number two, although my photo-shopping skills are magnificent, my calling is with those premature babies. Sorry!

Now, can't wait for Eddie to see this post. I sure hope he doesn't "struggle" me!

America vs. Germany

271.   In Basel, Switzerland there is a "Walk-Thru" at the McDonalds. I don't know if they still used it but it was funny to see the window.

272.   At that same McDonalds, there is a code on your receipt in case you have to use the bathroom. You type it in and the door unlocks to go in. I guess it is to reduce the people in the shopping area from coming in just the use the bathroom.

273.   Decent hair extensions in Germany are 1,000 Euros.

274.   I already touched on how you have to pay to park in parking garages in another blog but another difference is you have to bring your ticket in with you. Before you leave the building, you put the ticket in a little machine and pay. The machine punches holes in the ticket and when you leave the garage, you put the ticket in another machine and it lifts the gate. In the US, we just give someone the job of taking the money at the exit of the garage and lifting the gate. This way you can just leave your ticket in the car too.

275.   The Germans abbreviate a lot. Some of the ones I see often are: MFK, MfG, TÜV, GmbH, DDR, G5, LKW, RTL, C&A, A&O, GMBH, etc...
Unless you’re one of my German friends, you won't know what those are. There is even a German rap song (yes, I said German rap) where they list all the abbreviations. The group’s name is “Die Fantastischen Vier” and they are even abbreviated to “Fanta4.”

276. European men wear capris or "3/4 pants." American men wouldn't dare. Let the record show that Eddie no longer wears capri pants since the entrance of me into his life. You're welcome, Ed.

277. We often have to drive over the border from Germany to Switzerland and vice versa. In order to have a better chance of not being stopped by the customs officers it's a good idea to make sure you're wearing your seat belt, have your Vignette visible, take of your hat and sunglasses, put up your sun visor, and bat your eyelashes. (Ok, the last one is a joke...kinda) ;)

278. There are "Highway Churches" along the autobahn. Eddie said they are for travelers and truckers who are always on the road. I thought that was cute.

279. The Germans love compound words:
Bademantel - bath coat - robe
Schriebtisch - write table - desk
Staubsager - dust sucker - vacuum
Büstenhalthen (BH) - bust holder - bra
Feuerlöscher - fire eraser - fire extinguisher
And of course, the ever-so-popular: RECHTSSCHUTZVERSICHERUNGSGESELLSCHAFTEN (39 letters) - insurance companies which provide legal protection
Basically, they just like to string words together. I think it's creative!

280. There is ONE grocery store that I know of that is open until midnight. It's called Rewe and is in another city. I sure do miss the convenience of Giant Eagle/Kroger/Walmart!

Third Time's a Charm?

"Don't forget to say a prayer." I whispered to Eddie as he left the house to catch his train on Friday.

The sun wasn't up yet but I was wide awake. That day marked another egg retrieval day but Eddie couldn't come with me this time. I had been giving myself shots in the stomach for weeks and for the past two weeks I had to give myself two a day. The last shot I gave myself had to be exactly 36 hours before the retrieval. The science behind this whole process is mind boggling.

Eddie usually refuses to give me the shots but this was the last dose of the normal hormones so I made him.

Eddie looks like a mad scientist at 0:27. Luckily, I stopped the video before he could give me another creepy smile at the end. (BTW, that's is a Kong dog toy on the foot rest...)

With this try, my doctors decided to do a "long protocol." Basically, what it means is that they want to control everything. With the first two tries I gave myself additional hormones on top of the ones my body was already making ("short protocol") but this time they wanted to try something different. First, I gave myself a shot that told my body not to produce the hormones by itself. The additional shot was the hormone in the specified dose that stimulated my ovaries. My doctors wanted my body to do nothing and the medicine to do everything. To me, that meant more money, more time, more alarms, more shots, more pricks, more bruises, more stress...but hopefully, more possibilities. I would do ANYTHING for a higher chance of becoming pregnant. I don't know if the desperation that I feel some days could ever be put into words.

Rewind - 
One night, I ended up in the emergency room. I woke up after a night shift with extreme abdominal pain. I tossed and turned and cried in bed while Eddie looked on in horror. He made me a hot water bottle and gave me some pain medicine but the pain persisted. I kept thinking to myself that if child birth is worse than this, I might not make it through it. I had to work another night shift that night so I popped another pain pill and packed my hot water bottle. I told myself I would take care of the babies while leaning against the isolette, and then sit down to document everything whenever possible. When I got to work, I was shocked to see that I couldn't close my scrub pants! Only the very bottom button would button. I pulled my top down over them and went to my station for report. We were short nurses that night so I told myself I couldn't call off. I let the charge nurse know that I couldn't walk standing up straight and that I might need to sit a lot that night and she looked at me like I was crazy. She summoned the resident to assess me and she asked if I still had my appendix. "Uh...yes..." I said. Crap! I never thought of that. "It can't be appendicitis," I thought. "it will ruin our ICSI cycle!" She sent me to the emergency room where, after a few frustrating hours, low temp, and minimal left shift, the exact cause could not be determined. Two days later my doctor said it could have been a burst cyst (?). Never heard of those before but, let me tell you, they are no fun. 

Fast forward -
I just got done shaving my legs (can't have hairy legs while in the stirrups) the morning of the retrieval when I got a text message. It was from Ed Frick -
"Love you, Mitz! It will be alright, no matter how it will turn out, 'cause we're the best! Good luck! I said my prayer!"
The last sentence made me so happy. Ed wasn't raised in a very religious family. When he mentions God or praying I swell with pride. I always pray for God to not give up on him and I reassure Him that Eddie will find Him on his own soon.

Olivia, my sister-in-law, arrived to drive me to my appointment. During the drive, she asked me if I was nervous. I said I was scared but not because of the anesthesia or pain but only that they wouldn't get many eggs. We also discussed more important things like our options for lunch. ;) I had to be NPO after midnight but Olivia was obviously allowed to eat something. She told me while I was in the operating room she would leave to get something to eat but I told her they won't let her leave and come back. She was bummed but then got pretty excited when she found a bag, no, sorry, THREE bags, of sunflower seeds in her purse.

Sunflower seeds are called "Samitschki" in Russian...and Russians love them some Samitschki!

We were the first ones to arrive. We were there even before the employees. I started to panic when I saw all the lights off thinking that maybe I had the wrong day and took the last shot more than 36 hrs prior...but then they showed. The nurse led us into the changing room and Olivia told me I should take locker number 3 because it was our third try. I made a mental note that there are 11 lockers...I hope I never have to use locker number 11.

Olivia and I giggled a little while they prepped me and eventually they wheeled me back into the procedure room. The nurses commented on my slippers.
"I got them in America." I told them.
"Ooooooo" they said in unison.
I smiled thinking "That gets them every time."

I did the "twisted tooth fairy routine" and put my underwear under my pillow and walked to the operating table. They handed me the phone and I identified myself to the woman in the lab staring at me through the glass window. Then they eased me back onto the table. One nurse strapped in my legs while the anesthesiologist put a blood pressure cuff on my right arm. She began strapping in my left arm but I wasn't ready.
"Entschuldigung, darf ich kurz meinen linken Arm wieder haben?" 
("Excuse me, may I please have my left arm again for a second?") 
They were so quick to strap in my limbs but I didn't get a chance to say my prayer yet.
"Ja, klar..." she said.
("Yes, of course..")
I folded my hands and murmured my prayer. I asked him to bless the doctors and the nurses. I asked that he keep them alert. I also asked him for many eggs and that, in his grace, I wake up again. When I opened my eyes they were all looking at me and waiting.
"Ok, fertig, danke."
("Ok, all finished, thanks.")
As I watched the anesthesiologist push the white fluid into my vein I managed to wish the team "Viel Glück!" ("Good luck!") before I felt the sleep come. It creeps in. It starts near my ears and then the tingling moves in towards my nose. Eddie told me he always try to fight it but I welcome it. The sooner I fall asleep the sooner I'll wake up. One step closer to being a mommy.

All smiles BEFORE the procedure! I don't know why I insist on getting a picture with the stork. He's been completely useless up until this point.

Me AFTER the procedure. Snoozeville. Apparently my neck quadruples in size with anesthesia?

The next thing I remember is the sound of little footsteps running past my bed. And then again. And again. I realized I was in the recovery room and the family to my left had the bright idea to bring along their 2-3 year old for the procedure. The more awake I became the more intense the pain and cramping felt. It was worse than last time. The nurse came to check on me and Olivia told her I was in pain. She brought me a hot water bottle and pain medicine...in suppository form. In my barely coherent state, I asked her -
"Gibt es keine anderes Wartzimmer für Kinder?"
("Isn't there another waiting room for children?)
I was amazed how I could just spit out German even when I am half conscious. 

"I'm wearing underwear." I mumbled to Olivia. 
"What?" she asked, confused.
"I'm wearing underwear again. Usually after the procedure I don't have underwear on."
It still blows my mind that I moved from the operating table to my bed and someone dressed me without my recollection. I feel slightly embarrassed because my underwear weren't exactly the prettiest that day. (I thought they'd stay hidden under my pillow!)

The child ran another 20 times (not being over dramatic) past my bed. The father took her shoes off in hopes to make her uncoordinated footsteps quieter. I heard every step. I also heard Olivia start crunching on her sunflower seeds. These aren't exactly the sounds you expect to hear while in pain but I tried to laugh through it. Next, the doctor came around the curtain. Olivia introduced herself and I fought the urge to explain that she's not my lesbian lover either but Olivia must have read my mind because she added "Schwägerin" (sister-in-law) after her name.

Again, I am still fighting off the anesthesia but I try my best to open my eyes and ears as wide as possible. The doc tells us he procedure went "really well." 
...huh?
My brain couldn't process the words. Did she say really well? As in better than good?
She continues, "We were able to get 14 eggs."
"14?" I asked.
"Yes, 14."
"14?!?"
Talk about a natural pain reliever. 14! I could have jumped out of bed and did a victory lap around the recovery room with the little girl...but then again, I better not. She continued with the usual instructions and left us again. When I rolled over, Olivia was already tapping away on her phone. I realized she was texting Ed because she kept informing me -
"Eddie says you're an egg factory."
"Eddie says he's proud of you."
"Eddie says you're his American chicken."
"Eddie says he loves you."
I was thankful she was there to update him for me. For the next few minutes, Olivia and I took turns saying the number "fourteen" back and forth.

The anesthesiologist came to check on me. She told me it had to work this time because I'm only 30. I corrected her and told her I'm not 30 yet! (I'm hanging on to these last months.) I asked the nurse if I could have something else for the pain.
"Per os, bitte!" I added.
But she brought me another suppository. Grrr...ok, whatever. Anything to lessen this pain. About a half hour later Olivia assisted me to the bathroom and we were free to go. Before we left, I heard the doctor talk to the family to my left, the one with the young "Bolt wanna-be" sprinter daughter. The doctor informed them that they got two eggs from her. I felt bad for her. I felt embarrassed for asking the nurse about another waiting room. I felt bad I had 14 and she only had 2. I told myself I couldn't dwell too much on it because I'm in energy saving mode. The only thing I can do is pray for her 2 little eggs too.

We stopped at the reception area and made another appointment for the embryo transfer for the following Monday. They also asked for an updated phone number. They said they would call me if no eggs fertilized to cancel my appointment on Monday. ::gulp!::

The weekend came and went without a phone call. We were pretty confident that out of 14 eggs that at least one would fertilize. Our main problem was the pain I was still feeling.

Yesterday was the transfer. Eddie and I both agreed that we have never been excited to go to an appointment, but on this day, we were. Eddie told me that he said his prayer last night and that made me happy again to hear. I joked and said God answers his prayers because he is so surprised to hear from him. God's ears probably perk up because he isn't used to his voice.

Once we arrived, we anxiously waited about 45 minutes to hear the news. When we were finally escorted back to the procedure room the doctors, nurses, and lab techs greeted us.

Couldn't get a pic of his complete outfit with booties and gown but that will do. Someone should tell Ed Frick that no guns are allowed in the procedure room! ;)

I laid down on the table and Eddie was positioned on a stool near my head. The nurses bustled around the room preparing kits and needles and machines and all kinds of scary lab equipment. Ed whispered to me that he saw 2 embryos on the computer screen through the glass window in the lab. I told him those aren't necessarily ours and not to get too excited. However, when the doc came in and I saw him holding a paper with a picture of 2 embryos on it, I knew it was true.

Of the 14 eggs taken, 11 were mature enough to be used.
Of the 11 mature eggs, 6 successfully fertilized.
Of the 6 fertilized eggs, 1 didn't develop properly and they froze 2 immediately.
Of the remaining 3 - 1 had multiplied to 7 cells and 2 had 8 cells. (Reminder: On day 3 - 8 cells is optimal.)
The 7 celler will be monitored for two more days. If it continues to develop, they'll freeze that one too.
The 2 8 cellers were put back where they belong...in me!

A visual breakdown of the results. (Those are pink numbers inside the embryos. I hope you enjoy the arrow with the 2 8 cellers in case you weren't sure which direction those two went.)

We have another appointment in 2 weeks to take a blood pregnancy test. Please, please, PLEASE continue to pray! I need these ones to stick! And if you've got any extra prayers in ya', maybe send another one up for the unnamed woman behind curtain number 1. 

We're hoping the ol' saying "third time's a charm" holds true! Thank you all for the support! 

Our possible future children. Aren't they beautiful? :) 

Germany vs. America

261.   Bowling is really expensive in Germany. Oh heck, everything is!

262.   There is a church tax that you pay when you sign up in the city. You state your religion and the money is taken directly from your paycheck. If you no longer want to pay the taxes you can unsubscribe but then you are not allowed to marry or be baptized in the church. ... (not cool.)

263.   I hate the way my name is pronounced in German. It’s throaty like “Rahhhel.” They say Frick like "Freak." I refuse to pronounce either one of my names like that.

264.   In Germany, motorcyclists have to wear helmets. Makes perfect sense to me! I think the rule in the US is after you've been riding for 2 years, you don’t have to wear one anymore.

265.   Germany makes:

Audi

BMW (Pronounced: Bee Emm Fow)

Volkswagon (FolksVagon)

Mercedes-Benz (+ Smarts)

Porsche (They pronounce the “e” on the end)

Wiesmann (google it)

266.   Gift in German means "poison." So if someone tells you they want to give you a "Gift" in Germany...do not accept it. ;) 

267.   Germany have to test the amount of pollutants in their car exhaust. There are areas called "Green Zones" where only certain qualified cars are permitted to drive.

268.   All German restaurants have to post their menus, including the price of each dish near the entrance.

269.   "What's the time difference between here and Germany?"

"6 hours."

"Oh...::pause::...ahead or behind?"

"...ahead."

I can't help but think - "Do you not know which way the earth rotates?"

270.   Some cars have an alarm that you can set for your speed. It will alarm when you go above the set limit. Maybe we have that in the States too but I’ve never heard of anyone using it. Two words: cruise control.