It's been a while since I wrote anything...exactly one year to date. Turns out, I've been a bit busy raising a little human for the past 365 days. So far, so good! I've only accidentally hurt him a few times. There was the fan incident, the time I was eating a sandwich and offered him a bite, oh and let the record show, he has fallen off the bed under my watch.
Honestly, I don't even know where to start with this one.
With my last post I kinda, sorta, accidentally wished him out a bit early...about a month earlier than expected. Oops. My water broke in the middle of the night and 16 hours later, he was there! He spent about 9 days in the NICU. I have a new respect for the parents of my patients.
All-in-all my birthing experience was great. I'm thankful for that because I know it can go awry all too often. I'm going to try to keep this as real as possible without getting too gross. There are a few things from being a new mom that I didn't expect.
I didn't expect SO much amniotic fluid/"water."
I didn't expect 16 hours of pain to feel like it flew by.
I didn't expect so much pain when I peed...I actually had to breathe through it like contractions. Sorry! No more birthing details but first-time mothers need warned!
I didn't expect to feel so lonely after all was said and done. It was late the night of his birth. I had no roommate, Eddie had gone home for the night, and they had taken Baby Eddie to the Neonatal ICU. My room was empty, my belly was empty, and crib next to me was empty. For 9 months I hadn't been alone-alone. I swear I felt him kick that night and the next morning...probably just my organs going back to their original places...but weird.
I didn't expect to cry when he cried. He had to be stuck multiple times for blood draws and for IV fluids. During one of his last blood draws they needed a venous sample and as I held him and tried to calm him tears began to well up in my eyes. I was one of "those moms." I think I'll blame it on the hormones. I'm tougher than that!
I didn't expect to cry so much because of breastfeeding. Way too much at first changed to worry if he was getting anything at all. Oh, the uncertainties!
I didn't expect to feel slightly panicky when he's not with me. I know my mother-in-law likes to be alone with him. I can also tell when she's trying to shoo me away. It usually has to do with his feeding schedule and I hate the thought of him needing me and me not being there. Although, it has gotten better as the months have passed.
Similarly, I didn't expect to feel Mama Bear anger so soon. When Eddie was just a few weeks old, we went to a friend's birthday party. Eddie was in his stroller a few feet away from me while I was dancing on the dance floor. His stroller was next to our table where a few of our friends were still sitting. One of our guy friends said he would keep and eye on the baby and let me know when he starts to wake up. I kept turning around to check on him and to make sure he was still sleeping. I knew he would wake up hungry soon. Each time I turned around the guy told me everything was fine and to go back to dancing. Until the one time I came to peek in his stroller and the man placed his two fingers on my bottom lip and pushed me back from the stroller ... I don't recall ever wanting to punch a grown man in the face so badly in my life. Rage filled my body. I actually felt my face flush. And strangely enough, there was no doubt in my mind that I could knock him out with one punch too. The anger made me so confident that I could go fisticuffs with a man twice my size. Luckily, I was able to get it together and I simply told him he was annoying me (in not so nice Russian words). I pushed the stroller outside to cool off a bit. Word to the wise, never push a mom away from her baby. Don't. Do. It.
I didn't expect to co-sleep. Eddie has a baybed right next to ours, yet we both sleep a little more soundly right next to each other. Despite me preaching about safe sleep and SIDS prevention at work.
I didn't expect such bizarre advice. It's common knowledge that everyone likes to give advice to new parents but some of them were just plain STRANGE!
-Put a hat on him or he will get an ear infection.
-Don't put his ears in the bath water or he will get an ear infection.
-Should he get said ear infection, squirt breast milk in his ears.
-Also squirt breast milk in his belly button and eyes.
-If he hasn't pooped for a while, put a piece of soap in his butt.
-Watch out! He head is lower than his feet.
-Give him water when he has the hiccups.
-Shave his head at 1 year old to get the hair to grow in faster.
-Put fish oil on his stork bite to get it to go away.
-His hands are cold, he is cold.
-His feet are cold, he is cold.
-Isn't he cold?
-You're not going to put a snow suit on him?
-Isn't he cold?
-Put vodka/whiskey on his gums when he teeth start to come in.
-Are you SURE he isn't cold?
-Everything is the "number one choker!" Grapes...number one choker. Hotdogs...number one choker. Bread...number one choker.
-The best thing to clean a baby's bottom with during a diaper change...olive oil. (Croatian roots)
-If you don't satisfy your pregnancy cravings, the baby will be born with a birthmark in the shape of that food. (Irish roots)
-Use a urine compress on sore muscles.
I didn't expect for Teddy, our dog, to be downgraded so abruptly. I realize now he is "just" a dog. I will still refer to him as my son but it's so clearly not even comparable.
I didn't expect my baby to look nothing like me. I carried him all those months, dreamed of him and pushed him out (intense work, BTW)...all to see zero similarities. Nope, none. I search daily. Sometimes when he smiles, maybe then, but nah, looks just like his dad. Luckily, I think his dad is good looking too.
I didn't expect my body to ache so much. My back hurts (must be because I no longer have the ab muscles I once did). My wrist hurts from carrying him and so many bags. After carrying around a car seat for 1 year, I'm pretty confident I could win an arm wrestling match in a biker bar. Have you felt those things? Is there no better system?
I didn't expect the urge to squeeze, pinch, and bite him to be so strong. I love him so much and think he is so adorable that I have to be careful not to hug him too hard. To quote my best friend Sam, I feel like Elvira from "Tiny Toons." It's crazy to me that, in all my years of working with babies, I've never heard of a baby coming in because the parents squeezed them too much or bit their cheek or sucked in all their hair through their nose. Ok, that last one was a bit weird but the URGE...ugh! Indescribable.
I didn't expect to sympathize with other parents so strongly. I recently apologized to an old friend for not helping out more when her baby was born. I could have offered to babysit more often or just come over with pizza. I just didn't know. I didn't "get it" then, please forgive me.
I sympathize with complete strangers. Whenever I hear a story involving a child I always think of the parents. A missing child. (The worst! Can't fathom it. Stop.) I think about the mom. Like, what kind of meds is she on to function? If Eddie went missing, I wonder if I could request to be put into a medically induced coma. "Hi, yea, um, I'm going to need heavily sedated. Wake me up when he comes back alive. K, thanks." You'd live your whole life thinking "what if?"
The refugee stories/pictures...no, I can't process that. How blessed am I to have food for my baby? Warm water to bathe him in? Heat? Clean clothes? How would you feel as a mother if you, for some reason or another, couldn't provide? That must be torturous! I never thought about that before I had Eddie, or at least not with such feelings.
I didn't expect to work differently. I've been back to work for a few months now. As a Neonatal ICU nurse in my hospital we have to go to every C-Section and every "high risk" birth. Whenever I attend a birth, I start to get emotional. I think about the parents and how, at this very moment, their lives are about to change. SO much. I think back to my birthing experience and what those hours and minutes meant and felt like to me. I used to look right through the mother. It sounds cold but my patient is the baby and the moms are kind of in the way of me and my patient. Now, when I come into the room, I try to make eye contact with her and give her a reassuring smile from a distance. How scary it must be during the birth for multiple people to barge into the room. We usually stay off to the side in the room but in case we have to get actively involved in the retrieval of the baby I am more encouraging now. I remember during my birth that I just wanted someone to look at me and tell me if I was making progress - that everything was going to be ok.
I didn't expect to be brought to tears from child abuse stories or, thanks Facebook, videos! I stumbled across a video that showed a mother...I can't and won't describe what I saw but it was sickening...and the air was taken from my lungs. Eddie looked at me and asked what was wrong because the color had drained from my face. The tears started streaming uncontrollably from my eyes. Why would she do that? How could she do that? The baby was looking to her for help! Eddie had to hug me until I calmed down. After that, I made him promise me that we'd never call the police, should we find out someone hurt our child like that. I will personally, slowly murder that person and sit contently in a jail cell for a decade (banking on - plea deal, clean record, act of passion, good behavior).
I didn't expect to be so sad to say goodbye to his birth year. 2015 was so good to us. From 2011-2014, my brain was fried with the process of conceiving. God finally blessed us with a pregnancy and healthy baby. I have been focused on that baby ever since. It's not easy raising a baby but the stress has a wonderful purpose. I was at the end of my rope with our 4th try and it was so nice to have "a break." Yes, I'm telling you, a newborn was a break for me from the pains of infertility. For 3 years, I was plagued with negative voices in my head about ever conceiving.
The scary thing is, I'm starting to hear those old familiar voices again. They're whispers now but they're growing louder...I didn't expect to hear them so soon.
*As always, pictures courtesy of Johann Frick at JFPhotography. Thanks Hannes for capturing these memorable moments.
Honestly, I don't even know where to start with this one.
With my last post I kinda, sorta, accidentally wished him out a bit early...about a month earlier than expected. Oops. My water broke in the middle of the night and 16 hours later, he was there! He spent about 9 days in the NICU. I have a new respect for the parents of my patients.
All-in-all my birthing experience was great. I'm thankful for that because I know it can go awry all too often. I'm going to try to keep this as real as possible without getting too gross. There are a few things from being a new mom that I didn't expect.
I didn't expect SO much amniotic fluid/"water."
I didn't expect 16 hours of pain to feel like it flew by.
I didn't expect so much pain when I peed...I actually had to breathe through it like contractions. Sorry! No more birthing details but first-time mothers need warned!
I didn't expect to feel so lonely after all was said and done. It was late the night of his birth. I had no roommate, Eddie had gone home for the night, and they had taken Baby Eddie to the Neonatal ICU. My room was empty, my belly was empty, and crib next to me was empty. For 9 months I hadn't been alone-alone. I swear I felt him kick that night and the next morning...probably just my organs going back to their original places...but weird.
I didn't expect to cry when he cried. He had to be stuck multiple times for blood draws and for IV fluids. During one of his last blood draws they needed a venous sample and as I held him and tried to calm him tears began to well up in my eyes. I was one of "those moms." I think I'll blame it on the hormones. I'm tougher than that!
I didn't expect to cry so much because of breastfeeding. Way too much at first changed to worry if he was getting anything at all. Oh, the uncertainties!
I didn't expect to feel slightly panicky when he's not with me. I know my mother-in-law likes to be alone with him. I can also tell when she's trying to shoo me away. It usually has to do with his feeding schedule and I hate the thought of him needing me and me not being there. Although, it has gotten better as the months have passed.
Similarly, I didn't expect to feel Mama Bear anger so soon. When Eddie was just a few weeks old, we went to a friend's birthday party. Eddie was in his stroller a few feet away from me while I was dancing on the dance floor. His stroller was next to our table where a few of our friends were still sitting. One of our guy friends said he would keep and eye on the baby and let me know when he starts to wake up. I kept turning around to check on him and to make sure he was still sleeping. I knew he would wake up hungry soon. Each time I turned around the guy told me everything was fine and to go back to dancing. Until the one time I came to peek in his stroller and the man placed his two fingers on my bottom lip and pushed me back from the stroller ... I don't recall ever wanting to punch a grown man in the face so badly in my life. Rage filled my body. I actually felt my face flush. And strangely enough, there was no doubt in my mind that I could knock him out with one punch too. The anger made me so confident that I could go fisticuffs with a man twice my size. Luckily, I was able to get it together and I simply told him he was annoying me (in not so nice Russian words). I pushed the stroller outside to cool off a bit. Word to the wise, never push a mom away from her baby. Don't. Do. It.
I didn't expect to co-sleep. Eddie has a baybed right next to ours, yet we both sleep a little more soundly right next to each other. Despite me preaching about safe sleep and SIDS prevention at work.
I didn't expect such bizarre advice. It's common knowledge that everyone likes to give advice to new parents but some of them were just plain STRANGE!
-Put a hat on him or he will get an ear infection.
-Don't put his ears in the bath water or he will get an ear infection.
-Should he get said ear infection, squirt breast milk in his ears.
-Also squirt breast milk in his belly button and eyes.
-If he hasn't pooped for a while, put a piece of soap in his butt.
-Watch out! He head is lower than his feet.
-Give him water when he has the hiccups.
-Shave his head at 1 year old to get the hair to grow in faster.
-Put fish oil on his stork bite to get it to go away.
-His hands are cold, he is cold.
-His feet are cold, he is cold.
-Isn't he cold?
-You're not going to put a snow suit on him?
-Isn't he cold?
-Put vodka/whiskey on his gums when he teeth start to come in.
-Are you SURE he isn't cold?
-Everything is the "number one choker!" Grapes...number one choker. Hotdogs...number one choker. Bread...number one choker.
-The best thing to clean a baby's bottom with during a diaper change...olive oil. (Croatian roots)
-If you don't satisfy your pregnancy cravings, the baby will be born with a birthmark in the shape of that food. (Irish roots)
-Use a urine compress on sore muscles.
I didn't expect for Teddy, our dog, to be downgraded so abruptly. I realize now he is "just" a dog. I will still refer to him as my son but it's so clearly not even comparable.
I didn't expect my baby to look nothing like me. I carried him all those months, dreamed of him and pushed him out (intense work, BTW)...all to see zero similarities. Nope, none. I search daily. Sometimes when he smiles, maybe then, but nah, looks just like his dad. Luckily, I think his dad is good looking too.
I didn't expect my body to ache so much. My back hurts (must be because I no longer have the ab muscles I once did). My wrist hurts from carrying him and so many bags. After carrying around a car seat for 1 year, I'm pretty confident I could win an arm wrestling match in a biker bar. Have you felt those things? Is there no better system?
I didn't expect the urge to squeeze, pinch, and bite him to be so strong. I love him so much and think he is so adorable that I have to be careful not to hug him too hard. To quote my best friend Sam, I feel like Elvira from "Tiny Toons." It's crazy to me that, in all my years of working with babies, I've never heard of a baby coming in because the parents squeezed them too much or bit their cheek or sucked in all their hair through their nose. Ok, that last one was a bit weird but the URGE...ugh! Indescribable.
I didn't expect to sympathize with other parents so strongly. I recently apologized to an old friend for not helping out more when her baby was born. I could have offered to babysit more often or just come over with pizza. I just didn't know. I didn't "get it" then, please forgive me.
I sympathize with complete strangers. Whenever I hear a story involving a child I always think of the parents. A missing child. (The worst! Can't fathom it. Stop.) I think about the mom. Like, what kind of meds is she on to function? If Eddie went missing, I wonder if I could request to be put into a medically induced coma. "Hi, yea, um, I'm going to need heavily sedated. Wake me up when he comes back alive. K, thanks." You'd live your whole life thinking "what if?"
The refugee stories/pictures...no, I can't process that. How blessed am I to have food for my baby? Warm water to bathe him in? Heat? Clean clothes? How would you feel as a mother if you, for some reason or another, couldn't provide? That must be torturous! I never thought about that before I had Eddie, or at least not with such feelings.
I didn't expect to work differently. I've been back to work for a few months now. As a Neonatal ICU nurse in my hospital we have to go to every C-Section and every "high risk" birth. Whenever I attend a birth, I start to get emotional. I think about the parents and how, at this very moment, their lives are about to change. SO much. I think back to my birthing experience and what those hours and minutes meant and felt like to me. I used to look right through the mother. It sounds cold but my patient is the baby and the moms are kind of in the way of me and my patient. Now, when I come into the room, I try to make eye contact with her and give her a reassuring smile from a distance. How scary it must be during the birth for multiple people to barge into the room. We usually stay off to the side in the room but in case we have to get actively involved in the retrieval of the baby I am more encouraging now. I remember during my birth that I just wanted someone to look at me and tell me if I was making progress - that everything was going to be ok.
I didn't expect to be brought to tears from child abuse stories or, thanks Facebook, videos! I stumbled across a video that showed a mother...I can't and won't describe what I saw but it was sickening...and the air was taken from my lungs. Eddie looked at me and asked what was wrong because the color had drained from my face. The tears started streaming uncontrollably from my eyes. Why would she do that? How could she do that? The baby was looking to her for help! Eddie had to hug me until I calmed down. After that, I made him promise me that we'd never call the police, should we find out someone hurt our child like that. I will personally, slowly murder that person and sit contently in a jail cell for a decade (banking on - plea deal, clean record, act of passion, good behavior).
I didn't expect to be so sad to say goodbye to his birth year. 2015 was so good to us. From 2011-2014, my brain was fried with the process of conceiving. God finally blessed us with a pregnancy and healthy baby. I have been focused on that baby ever since. It's not easy raising a baby but the stress has a wonderful purpose. I was at the end of my rope with our 4th try and it was so nice to have "a break." Yes, I'm telling you, a newborn was a break for me from the pains of infertility. For 3 years, I was plagued with negative voices in my head about ever conceiving.
The scary thing is, I'm starting to hear those old familiar voices again. They're whispers now but they're growing louder...I didn't expect to hear them so soon.
*As always, pictures courtesy of Johann Frick at JFPhotography. Thanks Hannes for capturing these memorable moments.
