So Close

The birth of our son is so close I can smell him! No, literally, all his clothes are washed and folded. I can't smell his baby smell but I can smell the scent of the German sensitive laundry detergent I proudly purchased. It's heavenly. I can't wait for that smell to mix with his milk breath and his tufts of hair (and let's face it, some gas too). I'm 35 + weeks right now. The car seat is installed, I'm registered at the hospital and my hospital back is (semi) packed.

So why, oh why, can I not relax about losing him?

He's so close but I'm so aware that he's still not a guarantee to us. Eddie and I have been working a lot on home repairs and getting the nursery ready and I noticed that sometimes I forget to pay attention to his movements. It's then that I decide to take a break and sit on the couch to focus. Eventually, I feel him move and I thank the good Lord above. I scorn myself for being momentarily so absentminded. Why are these thoughts in my head? Why can I not simply enjoy the remaining weeks? Sometimes I think "Ok, he's made it past 35 weeks, he could easily dodge a stay in the NICU if he were to come out now. Let him just come out now while everything is still ok."

Satan isn't welcome in my head. It must be my job that has my worried mind spinning. Not until he's is pink (ok - I'll accept some acrocyanosis) and in my arms will my mind relax (haha, yea right). Let me tell you all something about the women and infant units in the hospitals. When a woman comes in to the hospital with the complaint of not feeling the baby move for a while, our pulse quickens. When an IUFD (intrauterine fetal demise) is confirmed the entire staff aches. As NICU nurses, we don't come in contact with the families much but I assure you, when we hear the news, we hurt too. Sometimes we are asked to be ready, in case the baby shows signs of life, but other than that, we are somewhat removed from the situation. Some families are prepared, due to chromosome anomalies, some are blindsided. It makes me physically ill to imagine the scene of the nurses not being able to find the baby's heartbeat. As a nurse, I bet my face would flush as I searched and searched while simultaneously trying to keep the parents calm and call the docs. Why are these scenes in my head?

We took a tour of our birthing center at the hospital. I need you all to fully understand my mental situation so I will paint the scene for ya. Imagine a good dozen or so other expectant couples wandering around the corridors - in and out of the different rooms, checking out the birthing bathtubs (ok, no!), drumming their fingers on the yoga balls (ew, don't touch that), feeling the sheets/beds/pillows, etc. "Where is Rachel?" you wonder? Oh, there she is! She's off to the side testing the suction equipment next to the radiant warmer. "Ya'll go on ahead and check out that rope to pull on and that bar to bare down with...I'm just going to sort through this drawer real quick and make sure they have an endotracheal tube in each size!" 
"Excuse me, Ma'am, can I help you find something?"
"Nope, thanks. Just testing this laryngoscope lightbulb right quick. Oh, actually yes, where do you keep your meconium aspirator attachment pieces?"
During the question and answer part of the evening, couples raised their hands one by one and asked about parking and visitors. I elbowed Eddie until he reluctantly raised his hand as asked "Is there an attending pediatrician 24 hours available?" Be it genetics or hormones, my worries are on another level.

It must be my job...or it's your story. - yes, yours, or you and your wife's. The story of all my friends that have lost their babies. These babies aren't IUFD's but rather stillbirths or "babies born sleeping." I was eagerly anticipating your baby's birth too. I was devastated when I heard the news...if I felt broken, how on earth did you guys deal? I think about you guys a lot, but especially now at the tail end of this journey. I remember all your stories and your angels. I have your babies' birthdays marked on my calendar because that one day belongs to them. I loved that you shared the stories and pictures with me too. I feel privileged to have "met" your angels. "Is she talking about me?" Yes, YOURS. I'll never forget them. It's unfair and I don't know how a family copes.

This baby in my belly is the most valuable thing I've ever "owned" and to imagine him being taken from me when we're so close to the finish line makes my stomach churn. The worst part is, many times, there's no explanation for the loss. How do you close the door to the nursery? What do you do with all the freshly washed clothes? How do you explain it to the expecting grandparents...or worse, the siblings? The strength those families have is admirable. I could easily go insane thinking about the destruction such an event causes.

I guess the only thing that helps is the support from others. Just writing this blog made me tear up - the mere thought of the possibility! As Eddie passed by the computer room he asked what was wrong. At first, I tried to play it off like I wasn't crying but he saw my glossy eyes and persisted. I broke down more and he comforted me and assured me that everything is and will be fine with our son. He hugged me and we talked for a good hour or so about the topic until I finally calmed down a bit. I'm so lucky to have his support. He is so patient with me when my mind goes off on wild tangents.

I know you're all probably thinking - "Rachel, don't think about such things!" I know, I shouldn't but I can't help it! That's the problem. This leg of the race is almost over and he can come at any moment. I can see the finish line. I only pray we cross it as a family of three. Pregnancy is a gift, not a guarantee. 

(All photos in this blog courtesy of JF Photography)

America vs. Germany

330.   In the 2005 movie, “Thank You for Smoking” I like the quote in which a character simply states that “These days, when someone smokes in the movies, they're either a psychopath...or a European.” It's true! I know so many more smokers over here!

331.   Outside of Eddie’s favorite grocery store there is something called the "Bockwurst" snack stand. It used to be 1 Euro for a wurst and bread but I think it's more like 1.20 now. Sometimes I take a bite, but in general, it’s not for me. Rarely does Eddie NOT reward himself with one after grocery shopping.

332.   If it’s Sunday and you need a grocery item…you better hope that they sell it at the one gas station in about 15 miles that’s open!

333.   The popular German phrase “Farfignewgan” correctly spelled “Fahrvergnügen” means “driving enjoyment” and was a slogan for Volkswagon in the early 1990’s. You’re welcome.

334.   Yes, Germany has four seasons and they occur at the same time as ours. I often joke and say why couldn’t I have met someone closer to the equator.

335.   If you are pulling a trailer with your car in Germany you are required to put mirror extensions on your side review mirrors to see out and around the back of the trailer. I’ve never seen those used in America. It looks funny but I bet it's practical.

336.   Ed has never been to the Oktoberfest. This is mind-boggling to some but one must remember how touristy it is. I like to compare and ask “Have you ever been to MardiGras?…No?!!? ::gasp!::” We’ll make it to Oktoberfest some day. I just need a real dirndl instead of my cheap halloween costume from 2007.

337.   As you recall, Germans love compounds words. Their animal names always crack me up ( so do movie titles). I already told you about:
Faultier = "Lazy animal" = Sloth and
Stinktier = "Stink animal"  = Skunk
Well how about Schildkröte - literal translation “shield toad” = Turtle
Gürteltier – belt animal = armadillo

This diagram should help, I know it got me out of a couple jams:



338.   Turtle is a fun word to say in Russian too - “cherripaha.”

My favorite word in Spanish is peanuts - “los cacahuates.”

339.   I've really grown to learn the seasons of many fruits and veggies. I feel like, as a spoiled American kid, I took for granted the availability of all fruits and vegetables year round in our stores. For example, I never really knew when plum season was. I visited once in the fall and ate so many forms of plums it started to make me sick. They were in everything because they were “in season.” Germans flip their shit when it's asparagus season too! There are restaurant signs every advertising "Spargel mit Schinken" or "Asparagus with ham!"

Me + My Son = One

So, as I revealed in my last blog, it's a boy. We're over the moon with joy but, I have to admit, I am a bit nervous. First of all, if anything blonde comes out of me, I think I'll be creeped out and I may ask for a maternity test. In my head, I always pictured a faceless, long haired, brunette, little girl. These days, I have no idea what to imagine.

(Well, the 3D pics at 31+5 weeks help a bit...)

I have enjoyed my pregnancy very much thus far. I puked daily until exactly 19 weeks but I didn't really mind. It was weird because it eventually became normal. "Ed, are you ready to go? Ok, let me just grab my purse, puke real quick and then we'll get going." I would only be reminded of how unusual it is to vomit when I would go out in public. I would start dry heaving in the refrigerated section of the grocery store and get some pretty weird stares. Turns out, it is impossible for me to gag quietly. I would be getting ready in the bedroom and Eddie would scream from the living room "are you gagging again in there?!?" "Yes! ::blrh:: Sorry! ::blraaah!:: Can't stop!" After an evening shift at work, I puked in the parking garage. I wanted to yell to any passers-by that I was, in fact, pregnant, and not a drunk homeless woman! I had a favorite place at work where I would hide until I could get my gagging under control. Eddie learned that when I said "I think I'm going to throw up" that we had about a 15 second window before I was doubled over. I learned early on to always have one of Teddy's poop bags within arms reach in the car. I had to pull over on multiple occasions on the way to work to puke in the morning. Sometimes there was no time to pull over and I would have to hold the spit up in my mouth until it was safe (yummy, I know). Every time I talked to my mother, she would ask how I was feeling and I would explain about the continued daily vomiting and her response was always "good!" As long as I was puking, it meant my hormones were going nuts and the baby was growing. These days, I know he is doing just fine because I can feel his little jabs...no, strike that, jujitsu chops and kicks! As startling as they can be, it still beats puking.

I appreciate all of your love and support. I really feel it. However, I have to be honest and say that there are moments where I am shocked by people's indifference. I understand not everyone shares the same excitement over this baby in my belly as I do but I'm talking about close friends and family members. Some people are simply disinterested. Ok, fine, don't worry about me, I get it. I'm just a carrying case for this little boy but are you not at all curious what the baby in my belly is doing? Ok, maybe not the specifics of WHAT he is doing, I'd be satisfied if some people just asked HOW he was doing. You can't make people care.

Sometimes while we're watching TV, the baby will start kicking. So much so that I can't focus on anything else but his movements. I know there will come a time when those kicks will keep me awake at night or give me sharp pains in the ribs but, for the time being, they're still magical to me. Every jab, kick, or roll makes me smile...so when I ask Eddie for his hand to place it on my belly and he nonchalantly declines, I am momentarily shocked. He loves his son, there's no doubt about that, but again, the fact that others don't share my enthusiasm is surprising.

This simply teaches me that no matter what...NO MATTER WHAT...it's me and this baby boy from here on out. Family members can occasionally ask/visit. Heck, Eddie could up and leave us (he would NEVER...but he could if he wanted), but when it comes to this little baby boy...we are one. This became clear to me from the beginning. While I realized that I was physically never going to be alone for at least 9 months, the pregnancy symptoms were only happening to me. At first, I felt so tired and so run-down. Eddie would laugh at me when, two hours after we woke up, I was ready for a nap again. Usually, if I was that sleepy it was because I had worked a night shift or we had stayed up late the night before. Others would be experiencing the fatigue with me. I felt jet-lagged but usually Eddie felt jet-lagged with me from our travels. I was the only one vomiting. Usually, someone else felt lousy after partying too much. I had bouts of extreme hunger. Usually, it was Eddie that decided when we would eat a snack because he always got hungry before me. No one else felt what I felt. When the kicks started, I was alone with them for a while too. No one around me felt them and they were hard to describe. I would be in the middle of a conversation and I would feel a little flutter on the inside. I would be tempted to hush the other person in the conversation so I could focus on the movements and talk back to my baby...but that would probably have been rude. Pregnancy has made me feel pretty alone at times. You can describe what's happening to you but it doesn't do it justice.

This whole process has made me learn to love my body. I took a "belly bump" picture at 5 weeks. I am currently 34 weeks and when I look back at my stomach back at 5 weeks I can only HOPE for it to be that "flat" again. I always thought I was a little overweight but now that I see my belly growing, I will be more than happy to look like that again after. I love my body and all the changes it's automatically making. I talk a lot about my feelings in my blogs. If my mind and body are separate machines, I wish my mind could tell my body how much I love it. My body is changing so much and I think it's magical. Eddie looks at my body in awe too and it makes me feel beautiful. The compliments he gives me makes me feel so special. I wish I could record them and save them forever. When he rubs my belly and kisses it, I feel so lucky to have a man that isn't creeped out by all the changes happening to me. For 30 years I've been dealing with this body. I've seen it change, slowly, but the changes that are happening now are... indescribable. I'm amazed and thankful for what God and nature has made possible. I've asked Eddie a few times if it makes him sad or jealous that I get to carry our son, that I get to feel his movements, that I will be the one to nourish him. He is very quick to say "no!" - I think it's the birthing part that scares him. I say bring it on. I am loving being pregnant!

To my unborn son,

Oh, hey, it's your "mom." Yep, the one that can't sing and sometimes feeds you french fries. Yep, that's right, the one that burps like a trucker, sorry if that rattles your little itty bitty bones! If I'm honest, I don't really know what "mom" means. Before I married your dad, I repeated the word "wife" over and over again and tried to figure out what that word meant too. For the record, I'm still clueless. And on that day in late February, when you officially make me a mom, I will probably be just as clueless. Let's promise to not tell anyone else how much I don't know what I'm doing. Luckily, you won't be able to use words for a while so I think we can fool some people. Keep all that crying stuff to a minimum too, that's a sign you're not happy, and people might catch on. K, thanks.

Mommy takes care of babies every day at work. Oh, that's right, you knew that because you like to kick them when I hold them on my lap. When it comes to newborns, I know what I'm doing up until about the 3 month mark. Everything after that is uncharted territory. The babies I take care of stay in one place when I put them there. Oh, what about dad, you ask? Ummm, yea...his world is about to be rocked and he has no idea it's coming. He's sweet though. You'll fall in love with him instantly, just like Mommy did. Ok, back to this being a baby thing. I got you. I can change a diaper with one hand. I've never fed a baby with my boob so we'll see how that goes together too but I can give a baby a bottle with one...heck, NO hands!

I don't know what you want. I mean, I know you'll want food, love and a clean ass (who doesn't) but I mean other more complex things. Mommy has two younger brothers. Yea, Uncle Brandon and Uncle Bronson. Yea, the tall ones. Yea, they're kinda weird too, that's right. I have some experience growing up with boys. I used to play games with them and beat them and their friends up. Mommy is good at video games too. Don't cry too hard when I whoop you in all of them and dance circles around you. Daddy can teach you how to wrestle but Mommy might be the one to teach you how to defend yourself on the rough and tough streets of Rümmingen.

I have some idea what kind of games you'll want to play and I can kind of guess what you might be in to. But what I really hope is that you will want to cuddle with me sometimes. I picture myself saying "Ok, Eddie, aren't you tired of throwing rocks and digging in dirt? Don't you want to come in a snuggle with Mommy?" or "Are you sure you want to play with your cars and bulldozers again? Don't you want to bake something with me?" or "How 'bout we stop shooting mommy with the fake gun, clean up all our action figures and maybe play dress up?" You're already the sweetest boy I know. You're a mommy's boy already but shhh...it will be our little secret from daddy.

I'm worried I don't really know what little boys want. I mean, we'll figure it out together, but it will take me some time. What terrifies me even more is that I'm pretty sure I know what teenage boys wants. ::gulp:: Oh man, I am worried for those years. Your dad will have to teach you to shave. I think mommy learned how to shave a man in nursing school but that was eons ago. As for all the other changes in the teen years, I'm nervous. When it comes to love, I hope I will be your main woman for a long while. It makes me sad when people say that sons eventually leave their families for their wives. You're not even hear yet and I'm worried about you leaving. From the day I saw your little heart flickering on the ultrasound machine, I've worried about you disappearing. I hope by the time this day comes, I will have the confidence to let you go because your dad and I have raised you as well as we could. Any questions you have about how to treat a lady, look to your father. He makes me feel like a queen. Any other questions you have, I'll teach you along the way as well.

I hope you have a kind heart.
I hope you think independently and make good friend choices.
I hope, when the day comes, you make a perfect partner choice too.
I hope you grow up happy and healthy. (Even though I've never held you, I'm already aware that there's nothing worse than a sick child.)
I hope you learn to love God because his love for you exceeds my own. (That is a huge concept for even me to grasp.) There will be a day when your dad and I will no longer walk this earth with you but as long as you turn to God, you will never be too far lost.
And most of all, I hope you feel loved...because you so are!

My son, our son, I hope you're ready to feel all this love! I know we're ready! (Well, we still need to fix up the nursery, but as soon as we're done, come on out!)

Love,
Your Mom
Deine Mama
Tvoya Mamochka

Germany vs. America

320.   At the gas stations in Germany, they offer you disposable gloves to wear while you pump or maybe for other car maintenance while you’re there. Perhaps that’s a little better than the waterless hand sanitizer we offer?

321.   While I was visiting Germany, research results came in and…::drum roll::…the “Prettiest Cow” lives in Switzerland! Seriously.

322.   I was a guest speaker in Eddie’s English class a few times and I noticed that sometimes when the students raise their hands, their index fingers are extended, almost like they are simply pointing to the ceiling, not like an opened hand. Kinda like the guy in the middle of this painting. Is that weird to anyone else?

323.   I can not find whipped cream in the frozen section here. You have to whip your own and sweeten it, or settle for the one in the can with the push nozzle...not the same!

324.   I’ve touched on how everyone in a group of friends is greeted by a hand shake, hug, or kiss on the cheek in another blog (I think). It’s gotten to the point where I am comfortable with Eddie’s close friends but it can still be a bit awkward with others. I try not to be the first person greeted (although the lady usually is). I try to see which greeting that particular person prefers. I’ve come to learn which of Eddie’s acquaintances prefer handshakes, hugs, or one, two, or even THREE kisses! Sheesh! I usually just want to do a collective hello/goodbye!

325.   The origins of the Advent calendar come from German Lutherans and has morphed into what we know today as the physical countdown to Christmas by opening little “windows” each day of December revealing a small treat!

326.   "Fastnacht" is the pre-Lent celebration on the day before Ash Wednesday (Fat Tuesday? Perhaps comparable to Mardi Gras with the parades only minus the beads/nudity + candy and confetti).

327.   During the days of the "Fastnacht" celebrations, HUGE fires are lit in the villages to scare away evil spirits and witches. People try to jump through the flames to rid their bodies of the evil spirits following them.

328.   The people in the "Fastnacht" Parade attack unsuspecting victims with confetti. They rub it in women's hair. Shove it down shirts/pants. They pick up women in the front row, tie them up, and run off with them for a while. Sometimes they'll pin you down and steal your shoe and play monkey-in-the-middle with you in front of hundreds of people. Sounds like a good time, right? Needless to say, Eddie kept me in the back row!


329.   There is a special cake that is only available during the weeks of "Fastnacht." It's delicious and love it. It's my favorite part of the "season" and tastes like a bunch of thin, crispy elephant ears. Yummmm! I can't wait until February for two reasons now!