I'm Having a Hard Time

I'm having a hard time.

Today would have been the due date of our baby, had our first attempt after Eddie been successful. I remember doing the calculations on the way home from the clinic and saying to Eddie, "if this works, we'll have a new baby just in time for Christmas!" It's hard for me to accept that not only do I not have a huge, gravid belly right now, my womb is completely empty. I won't hold my newborn today and it's looking a bit grim for 2017 as well.

"Rachel, relax. Don't think like that. Stay positive. You're putting too much pressure on yourself."

They don't get it. My mind obsesses over it.

This time around, I know what I'm missing out on. While trying to conceive Eddie I had a good idea what it was like to be pregnant, give birth, care for a baby and raise a child. This time around I know what it is like because I've already experienced it first hand. It's remarkable. Indescribable in this short text. It's all-consuming to wonder if I'll ever feel it all again.

Work's hard.
I care for other people's babies while desperately wanting another of my own.

Friendships are hard.
Her - "Come upstairs with me while I breastfeed!"
Me - "Ok!"
Also me - Sure, let me sit there like a doofus watching you do something I hope so desperately to be able to do again someday.

Her- "Want to hold the baby?"
Me - "Yes!"
Also me - No.

Family relationships are hard.
Her - "We're pregnant!"
Us - "Congratulations!" *hugs*
Her - "Your reactions weren't that good."
(There's enough guilt inside, do not assign me more.)

Holidays are hard.
For Christmas, I caved and bought Eddie a baby doll. He is so interested in babies and I figured by now he'd have a real one to play with. I feel sick that I can't give him a sibling.

His birthday is coming up, reminding me that the age gap between him and any potential sibling is growing by the day.

It's a strange feeling, to want something so badly but being so powerless to achieve it.
Unlike any other goal in my life -
I can't study for this.
I can't save up money to buy this.
I can't train for this.

It's out of my control and seemingly out of my reach.

(JF Photography)

The Two Week Wait

For those of you fortunate to not have fertility issues you are blissfully unaware of the acronym TWW. It stands for the "two week wait" and it is the period of time between a pregnancy attempt (in our case ICSI) and the blood work confirmation. These days are painfully long. The days...no, hours...seem to creep by while you wait for a "BFP" (big fat positive). These days are agonizing...but I adore them at the same time.

During these two weeks Eddie and I are hopeful. We day dream.

We discuss the joys of having another baby boy...
Me - "Remember that sleeper we have with the monster on the butt? Oh, I'd love to have another baby to wear that and cuddle him in it!"

...or a girl!
Eddie - "Maybe we'll have a girl this time, Mitz!"

We fantasize what our future baby will look like. 
Eddie - "What if this time the baby has your dark hair?!"
Me - "I'd love that!"

We bounce our ideas and feelings off of each other.
Me - (in true nurse form) "From 0-10, 10 being the most, how sure are you that it worked this time?"

When we lie in bed at night we talk about the possibility of multiples. 
Me - "Oh gosh, Frick. Can you imagine? What would we do?!"
Eddie - "We'd just do it. We're a good team."

During these two weeks, there is nothing more to do but to hope, pray and wait. Aside from inserting hormones 3 times a day, there is nothing more I can do to facilitate a pregnancy. I'm not required to be on bed rest and there aren't many other restrictions either. There is nothing more the doctors, nurses or biologists can do for us. It's just a matter of time. Either the embryo(s) stick or they don't.

I am terrified during these two weeks but there is still hope.

I pray to God and I ask him to keep us here. I ask him to let me hold on to these days a little longer. I feel good right now. I feel hopeful. I feel faithful. I feel trustful. I feel cheerful.
I know all too well that in a few days this enthusiastic and optimistic feeling can feel like a hallucination. 

After about a week goes by I feel the courage to take a pregnancy test. This just so happened to fall on my birthday and I took it to be the perfect sign.

On December 2, 2016, for my 4th 29th birthday I received this...



Negative pregnancy test number 212, followed in the evening by the soul-crushing bleeding.

For the seventh time in a row, my hopes and dreams, no, OUR hopes and dreams for the future...much like my uterine lining...were torn from me, flushed away like they never existed.

America vs. Germany

380.   You never see people in athletic wear unless, wait for it, they were just working out! Shocker...and unfortunate because I like to bebop around in some yoga pants/workout leggings.

381.   If a German asks "Do you do sports?" they're not asking you if you play an organized sport or on a team, they mean "Do you work out?" Either way...

382.   The bagpipes in German are called "Dudelsack." DUDELSACK!

383.   You know Crayola Crayons? I'm talkin' like the 64 pack or even the 96/120 pack with the sharpener in the back!...yea, um, nonexistent in Germany. German kids get the primary and secondary colors. Forget tertiary. Poor Kinder don't even know 'bout that...

384.   Germans transfer money from personal bank account to personal bank account a lot more often. It's terribly convenient. 

385.   Germans, or maybe Europeans in general, put a lot more layers of clothes of their babies. They will put a onesie on under the sleeper and then put booties/socks on on top of the *already footed* sleeper. In the US, just the sleeper and "Gute Nacht, baby!"

386.   Doesn't stop after the infant stage either. I once got a picture from a friend that said "It's finally spring!" and her daughter was wearing a hat, a scarf, a jacket, a sweater, (I assume a onesie under that), a skirt, thick tights, socks on top, then boots. Couldn't help but think, "Yep, spring has sprung...and so has her core temperature."

387.   The US is the only country that requires its citizens to file taxes irregardless of where they live/work in the world. A-nnoying.

388.   I was denied a bank account in Switzerland for the mere fact that I have a US Passport.

389.   I was also denied benefits at work because Switzerland is not in contract with the US to do so with people living outside the Swiss borders.