29 + 2014 = Still Not Pregnant

(JF Photography)

I thought for sure I'd be 28 and pregnant. Hell, I'll be honest, I imagined being 26 and pregnant. As the days from the calendar peel away and fall to the floor, so do my unused eggs. Haha, is that too dramatic? No, but for realsies, as my birthday came and went this month, I swear I heard some of my eggs blow away in the wind as I blew out the candles on the cake. 2014 is creeping in I am sickened by the fact that I will be babyless AGAIN this coming May on Mother's Day. It really has to work this next time or I'll be babyless the whole friggin' next calendar year. Dare I turn the big 3-0 and still not be a mommy? I can't stomach the thought.

Eddie and I went to see his wrestling team wrestle last Saturday. One of his teammates has a girlfriend and we usually sit next to each other. We routinely buy ourselves glasses of wine(schorle) and watch our men toss other men around in extremely tight uniforms. It's quite amusing, to say the least. Well, the one weekend in October I told her that this might be my last glass of wine for the season because I was going in for the procedure the next day. We cheers'ed and sipped away! I saw her again some weekends after that and, at that time, I already knew the embryos didn't take. I saw her sitting next to an empty seat, that I assumed she had saved for me, and felt a feeling of dread come over me. Soon I would have to retell the story and explain it all to her...but no, she didn't ask. At first I was relieved but then I was like "WTF, I shared something kinda big with you and you don't even care for an update? Psht, whatevs!" In her defense, maybe she figured I would share when I was ready?

I saw her again last weekend and this time she remembered to ask. I told her it didn't work and added "but it will next time!" to not be such a Debbie Downer and ruin the mood. My negativeness just didn't match the mood of the screaming fans around us. She told me "Aw, I thought we could come to the matches together next year with strollers. I'm pregnant!"...

...

...you know how in another blog I described this as God striking a loud rim shot on the drums? No, this time it was like God took a big, stinky fish (you know, the kind they're always throwing around at fish markets in Seattle somewhere) by the tail and smacked me across the face with it. "Ouch, God," as I rub my cheek, "that one hurt! Didn't see it coming at all!" I wish I had a picture of what my face looked like. Was it pale? Did I flush? Or have I finally perfected the look of joy for others while swallowing and suppressing my own pain? I pray for the latter. I hugged her...maybe a little too tight and a little too long. I pulled back, while still having a grip on her shoulders, looked her in the eye and gave her my sincerest congrats and well wishes. Then I hugged her again. I don't know if it was because I was afraid the look on my face was changing and I didn't want her to see but she said that I won for the "Best Reaction of the Year." Really? That's kinda sad. I can only imagine Eddie's reaction when we get our first positive test results. I picture my father-in-law literally falling over. I bet the day I tell my mom I'm pregnant I'll hear her scream for joy - not through the telephone receiver, but out her front door, across the Atlantic, echoing off the Alps, and in through my window.

I saw Eddie chatting with some old acquaintances across the hall. I waved for him to come over to hear the "good news" (Rachel, be nice, delete those quotation marks, it is good news...I can't) but he was in the middle of a conversation. I just wanted him to come be next to me, to take my mind off of it for a milisec., but he put up one finger and mouthed "one second." And then I knew I would be alone with pregnancy talk for the next half hour or so. My mind drifted during convo. I tried to focus and be polite but I think it's a defense mechanism that my brain does. Things get blurry around me and I go to another place in my head.

Her - "We weren't even trying. I stopped taking the pill in July and we were pregnant just 3 months later! Blah blah blah go eff yourself Rachel blah blah blah"
Me - "Mmm." ::polite nod::
Actual thought - "I should probably call my grandma tomorrow."

Her - "It's just so weird being here and not drinking but I know it's the right thing to do. Blah blah blah blah is it ok if I keep smacking you in the face for the next 30 mins, Rach blah blah blah"
Me "Right, right, of course." ::smile::
Actual thought - "I should have went grocery shopping today. The stores are closed tomorrow. Europe is irritating."

As we left the wrestling match I told Eddie the parking lot looked icy and I needed his arm and I linked mine in his. The parking lot was slick but I actually needed him to help me because the tears were starting and my vision was getting blurry. Not a good combo in heels. I focused on his arm. How strong it felt and how, even through a sweater and thick winter coat, I could feel his bicep. I love when he wears cologne. I thought about how tall he is and just in general how much I love him. It was a cold night but next to him I always feel warm.

I managed to keep the snot in my nose as we walked to the car. I did a three second ugly cry face as I turned to reach for the seat belt but managed to get it together again once I faced forward. It was night so I hid in the darkness and let the tears stream down as we drove home. At some point, I accidentally sniffled and I felt Eddie look over. Shit. I froze and looked out the side window. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Nothing." I lied. I saw that we were entering a village and the streetlamps would soon illuminate my face. I knew he would see me crying in a few short seconds. He kept looking from the road to me, to the road and then back to me again. Aaaannddd...the waterworks started. My lip and voice shook as I told him someone else was going to be a mommy before me and it just feels so lousy. I tried to keep the hard crying to a minimum because I knew I needed to be conscious of his feelings too. I told him I was sorry but I need to be really sad for just 5 minutes.

I said other mean things like "They're not even married!" and "She's 12 weeks already so that means she drank during her pregnancy!" They were the only negative things I could think of even though they're not that bad at all. Those happen all the time but I was searching for something to make me feel better. I wanted to verbalize the injustices of it all but to whom? I don't know. I did some quick math and stated "Oh, well, good, at least I won't have to see her growing belly throughout the months. Next season the baby will already be here."

Ed told me not to be upset and rubbed my shoulder and hand. He said "It doesn't make me feel good to see my woman cry." I focused on his words and smiled. No other guy could say the things that Eddie says and still come off so adorable. If I heard someone call their wife "my woman" back home, I would be like, weirdo! But it's Ed, and he is an angel and he still has an accent in English and when he says it I swoon. I didn't talk much the rest of the drive and just focused on his words and his presence. "I like his thumb, his thumb nail is so wide. Why does he push the buttons on the radio with his middle finger and not his index finger?" I closed my eyes. Ed woke me when we arrived home and told me to hurry up to bed. He said he will walk the dog and meet me upstairs. I was thankful to have some time alone. I have to make this man ("my man") a dad in 2014. I just have to.

Germany vs. America

241.   Garbage disposals do not exist in Germany...I can not even BEGIN to express my frustration!

242.   If a German ever asks you for "mirror eggs" just say ok, and make them sunny-side-up ones.

243.   As everyone knows, "Speedo" bathing suits are a lot more popular in Europe but mainly/unfortunately for older generations. The young, fit guys wear swim trunks like American guys. I recently bought Eddie Nike swimming briefs and he looks great in them! Now if only the fat men with the big hairy bellies can stop wearing them...

244.   At some pools the men are highly encouraged to wear such bathing suits. They absorb less water and the pools lose less when the people get in and out...allegedly!

245.   I have yet to see a lightening bug while in Germany. How said is that?

246.   Cars that are popular in Germany that I never see in the States:
Peugeot (French)
Skoda (Czech)
Opel (German, now US owned?)
Fiat (Italian) ok I saw that on occasion back home.
Citroen (French?)
Alfa Romeo (Italian)
Renault (French?)
Dacia (No idea)
Seat (Spain?)
Etc. etc. etc., I'm missing a lot and Eddie is still sleeping and can't help me.
Seat and Skoda are sister companies of VW.

247.   Eddie's family was amazed by all the "big" cars on our roads. We don't think anything of it back home, but a Ford F150 actually turns heads in Germany!


248.   I already touched upon the radio stations in Germany in another blog and how the censorship level is low. To reiterate, I once heard Akynele - Put It In My Mouth on the radio...eeek! If only the Germans knew what was being said! Nicht gut!

249.   Sometimes I can't watch YouTube videos because I now live in a "restricted country?" I don't know what that means but I've never seen that message come up while I lived in the States. GEMA needs to back up off of me.


250.   Chemo patients are not instructed to flush the toilet twice in Switzerland. Hm, thought that was Chemo 101? Oh well. We all lived.

Home

(Early work of JF Photography - 2006)

While flying high in the sky my tired eyes meet a very welcoming view. It's not the Lady Liberty, like my ancestors, but close. It's land, land with a bunch of evenly spaced, rowed houses. "Cookie cutter houses." Same design, same roof, same driveway. After 8 or so hours of flying over only water, it's a wonderful sight. As the wheels of my second flight touch down I sigh with relief. Everyone else hurries to get their cell phones from their bags and powered on but I don't bother because I don't have service here anymore. I file along with the other people in the terminal to passport control and patiently wait my turn. I people watch until I'm summoned forward. The customs officer flips through my passport and checks my customs declaration form. He asks about the "food" I have with me and I explain I have some Swiss chocolate with me. He "Mmmmm's," stamps my passport and hands it back to me. As I take it from him I pause and look him one more time in the eye.

"I'm sorry. Can you tell me 'welcome home,' please?" I ask him.

"Welcome home." He replies and gives me a genuine smile.

As I pass through to collect my baggage I start to cry. I'm home. Right? This is still my home, isn't it? The officers usually say "welcome home" or "welcome back." It's corny but it gives me a small rush. I feel almost invincible because this is where I'm from. They get me here, and I get them. I am home and I am free. No matter your political stance at the moment, I bet we can all agree America is pretty great.

It's a weird feeling coming back after being gone for so long. I find myself eavesdropping on conversations...just because I can. I understand everything. Every single word I hear around me, my brain can fully and instantly process. You all might take that for granted but it is a wonderful feeling to be able to respond instantaneously when spoken to. I no longer have to cognitively translate, conjugate, and form sentences. I just listen, comprehend, and respond. I understand conversations going on around me even though I'm not being directly addressed. The TV, the radios, the signs I understand them all! How glorious. I could spin around in a circle with my arms wide open...but that would be weird. This feeling takes me about a day to get used to.

The feeling of home comes slowly but surely back to me. My fingers dial phone numbers from memory even though I haven't dialed them in years. As I drive around in my mother's car I instinctively avoid potholes that are, for some reason, still in the exact same spot as I left them years ago. I still remember which lights take the longest and shortcuts to avoid them. The buildings and streets of Boardman, Ohio are slightly different, but still the same. I can turn right on red! Oh, how I missed that!

One morning, I left through the front door of my house, well, my mom's house, my childhood house. I was just about to round the corner on the porch towards the driveway when I heard the screen door close. It literally stopped me in my tracks. How many years did I hear that sound and never paid attention? I actually turned around, pulled the door open, and let it close again. I know it sounds dumb but the sound is heartwarming because it means "home."

Other things that caught me off guard with my last visit:

-What the heck is Duck Dynasty? It has its own section in the Christian store and has items all throughout Walmart.

-My mom changed where we kept the cereal. Since when do I find the Honey Nut Cheerios with the mixing bowls? Cereal was always kept in the Lazy Susan. Don't mess with me, mom!

-When did Matt Lauer get so old? Jenny McCarthy is on The View? George Bush's daughter is on GMA?

-Is Kim Kardashian pregnant again? I didn't even know she was pregnant the first time until after she had the baby.

-What happened to the Abercrombie and Fitch in the Southern Park mall?

-What is Cheddars and is it any good?

-We have DSW now? They moved the Dicks Sporting Goods?

More nostalgia:

I was able to visit the NICU at the OSUMC. Oh, sorry, the Wexner Medical Center? I saw so many old faces...and too many new ones! It was weird walking around the floor because it all felt so familiar but simultaneously foreign. How many years did I walk that path and not think twice about it. I was excitedly peeking in the bathroom and break room. 

I also went to my 10 year high school reunion. That's a blast from the past for anyone. I had some good trips down memory lane.

It's always sad when I have to leave America. I always wonder if that was the last time I kissed my grandma or hugged our family dog. Again, the only thing that helps me is Ed. He wasn't able to come with me this trip so it felt a little better knowing I was flying back to see him. I need him. It's crazy to think we did Germany-America long distance for 5 1/2 years because I was at my limit with just 2 weeks. I couldn't do any longer. It's just not natural for me to be away from him. It was time to go back to my new "home." Back to our house, where everything is where I put it, with our dog, in our bed.

You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your stuff, that idea of home is gone. You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place. - Garden State

America vs. Germany

(I didn't post "facts" on my last two entries so here are 30 more for your reading pleasure.)

211.   I can’t find a chicken parmigiana meal at any Italian restaurant in Europe…probably because it’s not authentically Italian.

212.   Dancing is not allowed on Good Friday in Germany. We went to a club the Thursday night before and there were signs posted everywhere…of course the DJ still played music and people kept dancing, I just thought it was weird.

213.   That same night I almost got in a fight with someone that spit in an elevator…yes, spit in an elevator, right by everyone’s feet! I asked Ed if that was normal and he said no. I learned in my orientation class that in other places in the world, it is socially acceptable to spit...often and indoors! 

214.   Eddie’s mom made ostrich one night. Yes, grilled ostrich. I couldn’t tell you how it tastes, I didn’t try it.

215.   Eddie’s friends thought it was funny when he told them that I never go into a gas station back home. In America we can do everything right at the pump; there is no need to go in, am I right?

216.   If you run out of gas on the Swiss highway you will be fined. That’s a good idea. Running out of gas is highly inexcusable these days.

217.   I always see stickers of black birds on windows in Germany. It took me a minute but then I realized it’s so that the birds know something is there and not to fly into it. But it makes me wonder how much of a problem it really is to see it so often here…I’ve heard about it happening but I’ve never been a witness to it. I never see the stickers in America.

218.   Their loaves of bread come without the heels. They call this form of bread “American Toast.” This can be good or bad. I personally don’t eat the heel so it can be a waste, but I’m sure some people do and they might feel cheated…

219.   You can be fined in Germany if you get pulled over and your dog isn't secured. I thought that was cute but Eddie explained it’s to protect you from not being hit by the dog in a sudden stop. Eeeek! Never thought of it like that. They need to be in a cage or in the back of the car that has a caged in “trunk.” (Remember: We’re talking about Europe here so when I say trunk you need to picture a hatchback car or station wagon... not the typical separated trunk like we have in the States).

220.  Let’s take a moment to discuss the lax HIPPA regulations in Switzerland. Eddie and I walked into a room where someone left up the CT scan results of…let’s call her “Frau Meyer.” I’m no CT scan doc/tech but I can tell you right now, Mrs. Meyer is not doing well.

Similarly, I had to often snap my tongue to get Eddie’s attention at the chemo clinic. Everyone is in one open room and you can hear EVERYTHING that is being discussed with other patients. I had to scold Eddie for listening in on other people.

221. I've touched on this in another blog but let’s talk about the medical staff dress code:

I saw them wearing jeans…eh, ok, not so bad…

But hoodies, chunky necklaces?

Open sandals with springs in the back! Umm hello! You’re dealing with chemo drugs!

Purple streaked hair, piercings…

Cowboy boots!

In the States, we could get in trouble if there is a strip of light blue on our dark blue scrubs!

222.   When you go shopping in Switzerland, you pay to park in the parking garages. After discussing this fact with Australians here, we both agreed that this would not be acceptable in our home lands! People would boycott the store and not shop there! At Tower City mall, in Cleveland, you don't have to pay if you bought something.

Also, Eddie had to pay to park when he went to get chemo. That’s just adding insult to injury if you ask me. Not only do you have cancer and you come regularly to get poison injected into your veins, we’re going to charge you! I made him ask about parking vouchers…nope, no such thing!

223.   Every few kms on the highway there will be a phone in case of emergencies. On the side of the phone it says “SOS.” I asked Eddie if he knew what it meant and he said no. I had to teach him. I just think Europeans walk around day to day and don’t realize how many English words are all around them. His parents could really learn a lot if they were just aware.

224.   Our washer and dryer are in the bathroom (difference number one). Secondly, the dryer has a littler drawer where the water has to be emptied after each cycle. We don’t have this in America. I don’t know where our water goes when the clothes are in the dryer…I just thought it evaporated? I don’t know…anyway, Eddie’s grandmother asked me to bring her the water from this little drawer so she can put it in the iron. I said ok and just did it thinking maybe it was because the water would smell good, like clean clothes? When I asked Eddie about it he told me it is because the water in that drawer no longer has “calc” in it. 

“Calc? What’s calc? Like Calcium?”

He said yea, still confused I kept asking:

“Wait, like the element on the Periodic table?” 

Eddie said yes. Still not satisfied, I google-translated it to be “lime.”

Apparently they have trouble with lime in their dishwasher, tea/coffee machines, irons, washing machine/dryer tubing.

Someone please help me, is our water filtered for this? Why have I never heard of it being such a problem back home? I know about fluoride but I never heard of anyone being so conscious of lime other than a shower head and maybe an outside hose spigot.

225.   Once, Eddie’s youngest sister was riding on the handle bars of a friend’s bike. Someone in the neighborhood yelled at her to get down or they would call the police…come on, Germans! Relax! Stop being such rule followers and take a chill pill…man!

226.   Wo (pronounced voo) = Where

Wer (pronounced ver) = Who

People just learning the language confuse the two, understandably, but it makes for some pretty funny mistakes. i.e. “Who is the toilet?”

227.   Eddie had to slightly argue with an ice cream parlor worker when I told him to ask for hot fudge on my ice cream. She didn't want to put it on there because it would melt the ice cream. We had to repeat it and explain it. Even right before she put it on she looked at us hesitantly. Listen, lady. Here is my money, now just please do what I say with MY ICE CREAM!

228.   Germany has fields of flowers that you can go to and, for a small fee, cut your own fresh flowers and take them home. They leave scissors/knives on a small stand and just trust you to drop a few coins in a tin can when you're finished. I think it's sweet.

229.   I see a lot more mustaches in Germany. I even know TWO people that have the curly handle bar mustaches too!

230.   Americans are way more welcoming and open. It took me a while to find friends here. My closest ones aren't even German, but Russian. According to a book I read about Germans, once you break through the barrier you have a lifelong, loyal friendship. Same goes for the Swiss. I've worked in Switzerland since March 2013 and have yet to get close with someone.

231.   Everyone takes off their shoes when going in people's houses. Not quite like the Asian style tradition, you just do it when you get inside the door. We do it here but it's not always as assumed. Someone will probably offer you slippers if you didn't wear socks too. Always wear socks in Germany to avoid awkward exchanges... :(

232.   The highway exits/on ramps are different in that if you get off the highway in America, you can almost always get back on immediately in the same area. That's not the case in Germany.

233.   Our highways are labels N, S, E, W which can be confusing, especially in Columbus. They just number theirs or something.

234.   Self check out lines are way more popular in the US. I only saw one in Germany and Eddie's sister was pretty excited to show me.

235.   "Corn hole" in German is "Maiz Loch" and Eddie built us a set. The Germans like it too.

236.   According to my grandmother, "Hallelujah" is the same in all languages and is the only word understood by all around the world.

237.   Eddie's younger sister says our underwear is different. I had a lot of "Pink" ones from Victoria's Secret. She said theirs are more lacy with black, nude, gray, or white colors...hmm...BORING!

238.   Victoria's Secret is a big deal to Germans. I've even seen some chicks hold the Victoria's Secret bag up next to their head and take a picture with it. I guess I never thought much of it. We've got three stores in Easton alone!

239.   When you see this "^^" typed by a German, it means they are laughing. I don't know why? Maybe it is supposed to represent the squinted eyes of laughter?

240.   When you need someone to be quiet in the US you say "Shhh!" In Spanish, it's "Chst!" In German, it's "Psht!"