There is a German saying “Die Hoffnung stirbt zuletzt.” The literal translation is “The hope dies last.” This can be no truer than in the case of infertility. Each month you hope. You cling to it…tooth and nail actually. I see hope every month…but not so much in myself these days. I see it in the eyes of my angelic husband. When was the last time you saw hope? Not just heard the word like “Oh, I hope I win the lottery” or “I hope the Buckeyes win today.” I mean witnessed it so intense that you felt as if you could reach out and touch it. Was it on the news as parents begged for the safe return of their missing child? A daily hope that their child will walk through the door. The last time I saw it, it looked like this:
You are in the middle of dinner with your husband and his head snaps up. You see a light bulb go off in his head and then he asks you the date. When you answer, his eyebrows crinkle and you know exactly what he’s thinking. As you cut your chicken, you are cringing on the inside. In his head, the gears are turning as he calculates your last cycle. He smiles broadly and proclaims that you are "about two days late!" You put down your fork and knife and try to soak up the twinkle in his eye. As you chew your last bite, you try to memorize the small wrinkles on sides of his eyes. Your heart warms because you married such an optimistic man. At this moment you can see hope in its entirety. It’s like a delicate bubble that he is holding out with pride in front of you.
Only now, you have to reach out with your one finger and pop that large, round bubble of his. The lump you feel in your throat can be from the chicken you swallowed in a hurry or it may be because you're fighting back tears. The truth is, you started yesterday but haven’t had the guts to tell him yet. How many more times will you cry alone in a bathroom? As you wash your hands, you scold yourself in the mirror for anticipating otherwise. I usually need about a day to deal with these emotions alone before I tell Ed...before I disappoint him...again. It’s like telling a child Santa doesn't exist…but having to do so every 4 weeks. Month after month. Year after year. The craziest part of it all is that this hope…or this faith…whatever you want to call it, rebuilds itself each month. When Eddie gets so excited at the “chance” of getting pregnant naturally, I feel sad for him. But when I actually stop to think about it, I should be sad for myself. Why don’t I have the same outlook as him? It’s almost like I want to preserve his innocence. I don't consider Eddie to be naïve as in inept, I just don’t want him to be become jaded, or frustrated, or bitter…like me. When I am a few days late his eyes brighten as he says "Hey! Maybe you're pregnant!?" And I can't help but mirror his enthusiasm with a "Yea, maybe you're right!" On the inside, I am thinking that I shouldn't get my hopes up. I dread telling him each month that I started because his head drops and his smile melts away.
Throughout this process, I've had to have multiple check-ups and ultrasounds. I lie there and watch on a screen as the doctors point out my ovaries. They are clicking around and printing out pictures. I momentarily get nervous but then they tell me I have many follicles in the right ovary and even more in the left…and I swell with pride. How silly is that? Like a thirsty sponge, I soak up any and all positive news these days. If I could, I’d wear around a shirt that says “I have many ovarian follicles!” or lead a parade down the street, or post it as my Facebook status…(or write about it in my blog).
As they move the transducer probe over slightly, they point out my uterus. My eyes widen and begin to dart around the screen. Searching. Praying. HOPING. My mouth opens and I speak before I think:
“Is it empty?” I ask.
“Yes,” they answer, not taking their eyes off the screen, “it’s empty.”
And I hurt. Why do I hurt when I already knew the answer? I’m so stupid for asking. I've done this on two separate occasions. “Die Hoffnung stirbt zuletzt.” They then point out my bladder and, in order to cover up my pain, I crack a joke and ask if it's empty too...
I have an old colleague/dear friend whose husband got a vasectomy, despite her everlasting desire to still have more children with him. She told me how she still hopes each month that her period won’t come. That, somehow, just one little guy will sneak out and get through. “Die Hoffnung stirbt zuletzt.” The fact we still have faith despite daunting statistics is wonderful to me.
How wonderful yet simultaneously sad is hope. What is perhaps the saddest is witnessing the moment when the hope does die out. The moment when the missing child's body is found in a lake. I ache for the friends that have been forced to make decisions ending their dreams of conceiving or ever conceiving again.
The last conversation that I had with a friend who recently made a tough decision:
Me: Ok. Keep me updated.
Her: Thanks. I will.
Me: Want some more prayers?
Her: No, that's ok, I'm way over them.
Although the hope of conceiving naturally is dimming for me, we thankfully have one option left. I thank the Lord daily that our hope has not yet died and pray for those whose has. I still trust, seek, believe in, and need Him but I just get tired sometimes. I worry that when he sees me cry that he thinks I'm giving up.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust in him and he will do this - He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him."
I know what I am supposed to do but I'd be lying if I said that last part isn't hard as hell...
181. There are a lot more traffic circles in Europe. We have some in the States but nothing compared to over here. Rules for these circles: They always go to the right, no need to turn on your blinker signaling upon entry. If you plan on exiting within the first 2 streets get in the outside lane. If you plan on going more, you get in the inside lane of the circle. Always try to signal out. I must admit I have a small amount of stress in these circles.
182. Oktoberfest is actually at the end of September. It is the celebration of the beginning of October...er, Oktober...whatever.
183. Their loose-leaf paper looks like grid paper, not like the blue lined paper with the pink margin line and three holes.
184. Their crutches don't go under the arm pits. They look like the old-school polio ones around the forearm...kinda weird at first.
185. I once wanted to buy a baby onesie that had German words on it but it was hard! I had to go to multiple stores! Almost all of their baby clothes have English on them. I can't imagine buying/having my kid bee-bop around wearing something I can't read/understand!
186. I never saw this but a girl I worked with who lived in Germany for 8 years said that in some public places there is a hole in the bathroom floor and a place to put your feet. Supposedly you straddle the hole and pee. No toilet to sit on, just a hole in the floor and an outline of where to put your feet...sick...
187. "Farfignewgen" is actually spelled ""Fahrvergnügen" and means the "Pleasure of driving."
188. First time moms get over 1000 euros and then an additional 200-600 euros a month PER CHILD!
189. Wedding planning is a lot more intense in America.
190. Sometimes people act like Germany is another planet. I get people who act personally offended with "Wait...what do you mean they don't have Chipotle there?!?!?" And on the opposite end of the spectrum I get "Does it rain there?" I see the two extremes, people that think everything should be the same and others that think everything is completely backwards.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust in him and he will do this - He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him."
I know what I am supposed to do but I'd be lying if I said that last part isn't hard as hell...
Germany vs. America
181. There are a lot more traffic circles in Europe. We have some in the States but nothing compared to over here. Rules for these circles: They always go to the right, no need to turn on your blinker signaling upon entry. If you plan on exiting within the first 2 streets get in the outside lane. If you plan on going more, you get in the inside lane of the circle. Always try to signal out. I must admit I have a small amount of stress in these circles.
182. Oktoberfest is actually at the end of September. It is the celebration of the beginning of October...er, Oktober...whatever.
183. Their loose-leaf paper looks like grid paper, not like the blue lined paper with the pink margin line and three holes.
184. Their crutches don't go under the arm pits. They look like the old-school polio ones around the forearm...kinda weird at first.
185. I once wanted to buy a baby onesie that had German words on it but it was hard! I had to go to multiple stores! Almost all of their baby clothes have English on them. I can't imagine buying/having my kid bee-bop around wearing something I can't read/understand!
186. I never saw this but a girl I worked with who lived in Germany for 8 years said that in some public places there is a hole in the bathroom floor and a place to put your feet. Supposedly you straddle the hole and pee. No toilet to sit on, just a hole in the floor and an outline of where to put your feet...sick...
187. "Farfignewgen" is actually spelled ""Fahrvergnügen" and means the "Pleasure of driving."
188. First time moms get over 1000 euros and then an additional 200-600 euros a month PER CHILD!
189. Wedding planning is a lot more intense in America.
190. Sometimes people act like Germany is another planet. I get people who act personally offended with "Wait...what do you mean they don't have Chipotle there?!?!?" And on the opposite end of the spectrum I get "Does it rain there?" I see the two extremes, people that think everything should be the same and others that think everything is completely backwards.
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