The birth of our son is so close I can smell him! No, literally, all his clothes are washed and folded. I can't smell his baby smell but I can smell the scent of the German sensitive laundry detergent I proudly purchased. It's heavenly. I can't wait for that smell to mix with his milk breath and his tufts of hair (and let's face it, some gas too). I'm 35 + weeks right now. The car seat is installed, I'm registered at the hospital and my hospital back is (semi) packed.
So why, oh why, can I not relax about losing him?
He's so close but I'm so aware that he's still not a guarantee to us. Eddie and I have been working a lot on home repairs and getting the nursery ready and I noticed that sometimes I forget to pay attention to his movements. It's then that I decide to take a break and sit on the couch to focus. Eventually, I feel him move and I thank the good Lord above. I scorn myself for being momentarily so absentminded. Why are these thoughts in my head? Why can I not simply enjoy the remaining weeks? Sometimes I think "Ok, he's made it past 35 weeks, he could easily dodge a stay in the NICU if he were to come out now. Let him just come out now while everything is still ok."
Satan isn't welcome in my head. It must be my job that has my worried mind spinning. Not until he's is pink (ok - I'll accept some acrocyanosis) and in my arms will my mind relax (haha, yea right). Let me tell you all something about the women and infant units in the hospitals. When a woman comes in to the hospital with the complaint of not feeling the baby move for a while, our pulse quickens. When an IUFD (intrauterine fetal demise) is confirmed the entire staff aches. As NICU nurses, we don't come in contact with the families much but I assure you, when we hear the news, we hurt too. Sometimes we are asked to be ready, in case the baby shows signs of life, but other than that, we are somewhat removed from the situation. Some families are prepared, due to chromosome anomalies, some are blindsided. It makes me physically ill to imagine the scene of the nurses not being able to find the baby's heartbeat. As a nurse, I bet my face would flush as I searched and searched while simultaneously trying to keep the parents calm and call the docs. Why are these scenes in my head?
We took a tour of our birthing center at the hospital. I need you all to fully understand my mental situation so I will paint the scene for ya. Imagine a good dozen or so other expectant couples wandering around the corridors - in and out of the different rooms, checking out the birthing bathtubs (ok, no!), drumming their fingers on the yoga balls (ew, don't touch that), feeling the sheets/beds/pillows, etc. "Where is Rachel?" you wonder? Oh, there she is! She's off to the side testing the suction equipment next to the radiant warmer. "Ya'll go on ahead and check out that rope to pull on and that bar to bare down with...I'm just going to sort through this drawer real quick and make sure they have an endotracheal tube in each size!"
"Excuse me, Ma'am, can I help you find something?"
"Nope, thanks. Just testing this laryngoscope lightbulb right quick. Oh, actually yes, where do you keep your meconium aspirator attachment pieces?"
During the question and answer part of the evening, couples raised their hands one by one and asked about parking and visitors. I elbowed Eddie until he reluctantly raised his hand as asked "Is there an attending pediatrician 24 hours available?" Be it genetics or hormones, my worries are on another level.
It must be my job...or it's your story. - yes, yours, or you and your wife's. The story of all my friends that have lost their babies. These babies aren't IUFD's but rather stillbirths or "babies born sleeping." I was eagerly anticipating your baby's birth too. I was devastated when I heard the news...if I felt broken, how on earth did you guys deal? I think about you guys a lot, but especially now at the tail end of this journey. I remember all your stories and your angels. I have your babies' birthdays marked on my calendar because that one day belongs to them. I loved that you shared the stories and pictures with me too. I feel privileged to have "met" your angels. "Is she talking about me?" Yes, YOURS. I'll never forget them. It's unfair and I don't know how a family copes.
This baby in my belly is the most valuable thing I've ever "owned" and to imagine him being taken from me when we're so close to the finish line makes my stomach churn. The worst part is, many times, there's no explanation for the loss. How do you close the door to the nursery? What do you do with all the freshly washed clothes? How do you explain it to the expecting grandparents...or worse, the siblings? The strength those families have is admirable. I could easily go insane thinking about the destruction such an event causes.
I guess the only thing that helps is the support from others. Just writing this blog made me tear up - the mere thought of the possibility! As Eddie passed by the computer room he asked what was wrong. At first, I tried to play it off like I wasn't crying but he saw my glossy eyes and persisted. I broke down more and he comforted me and assured me that everything is and will be fine with our son. He hugged me and we talked for a good hour or so about the topic until I finally calmed down a bit. I'm so lucky to have his support. He is so patient with me when my mind goes off on wild tangents.
I know you're all probably thinking - "Rachel, don't think about such things!" I know, I shouldn't but I can't help it! That's the problem. This leg of the race is almost over and he can come at any moment. I can see the finish line. I only pray we cross it as a family of three. Pregnancy is a gift, not a guarantee.
(All photos in this blog courtesy of JF Photography)
America vs. Germany
330. In the 2005 movie, “Thank You for Smoking” I like the quote in which a character simply states that “These days, when someone smokes in the movies, they're either a psychopath...or a European.” It's true! I know so many more smokers over here!
331. Outside of Eddie’s favorite grocery store there is something called the "Bockwurst" snack stand. It used to be 1 Euro for a wurst and bread but I think it's more like 1.20 now. Sometimes I take a bite, but in general, it’s not for me. Rarely does Eddie NOT reward himself with one after grocery shopping.
332. If it’s Sunday and you need a grocery item…you better hope that they sell it at the one gas station in about 15 miles that’s open!
333. The popular German phrase “Farfignewgan” correctly spelled “Fahrvergnügen” means “driving enjoyment” and was a slogan for Volkswagon in the early 1990’s. You’re welcome.
334. Yes, Germany has four seasons and they occur at the same time as ours. I often joke and say why couldn’t I have met someone closer to the equator.
335. If you are pulling a trailer with your car in Germany you are required to put mirror extensions on your side review mirrors to see out and around the back of the trailer. I’ve never seen those used in America. It looks funny but I bet it's practical.
336. Ed has never been to the Oktoberfest. This is mind-boggling to some but one must remember how touristy it is. I like to compare and ask “Have you ever been to MardiGras?…No?!!? ::gasp!::” We’ll make it to Oktoberfest some day. I just need a real dirndl instead of my cheap halloween costume from 2007.
337. As you recall, Germans love compounds words. Their animal names always crack me up ( so do movie titles). I already told you about:
Faultier = "Lazy animal" = Sloth and
Stinktier = "Stink animal" = Skunk
Well how about Schildkröte - literal translation “shield toad” = Turtle
Gürteltier – belt animal = armadillo
This diagram should help, I know it got me out of a couple jams:
338. Turtle is a fun word to say in Russian too - “cherripaha.”
My favorite word in Spanish is peanuts - “los cacahuates.”
339. I've really grown to learn the seasons of many fruits and veggies. I feel like, as a spoiled American kid, I took for granted the availability of all fruits and vegetables year round in our stores. For example, I never really knew when plum season was. I visited once in the fall and ate so many forms of plums it started to make me sick. They were in everything because they were “in season.” Germans flip their shit when it's asparagus season too! There are restaurant signs every advertising "Spargel mit Schinken" or "Asparagus with ham!"
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