May, 2016 - Attempt 2
"Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't you dare cry. You knew this was going to happen. You knew it didn't work. You took four pregnancy tests, Rachel. Four! Two of them in secrecy and two with Eddie and all of them were negative, remember? You knew your period was going to come eventually, so suck it up." I can hear the woman in the mirror reprimanding me as I wash my hands in the sink.
Do I feel like staying in the bathroom for a while and crying? Yes. Can I? No. Because in barges my toddler. He's getting fussy and probably wants a snack or to go outside. I can't completely lose it, not yet at least. I'll have to wait for his afternoon nap to do that.
Rewinding a bit -
I left off my last blog letting everyone know we were trying again and our attempt in March was unsuccessful. I also mentioned we had used up the rest of our frozen embryos meaning our next attempt, this one, would have to be a "fresh cycle." That means more hormones, more sub cutaneous shots in the abdomen, more blood work, more ultrasounds, more pain.
With the hormone stimulation I produced 15 eggs. ::cluck cluck:: From the 15 eggs they retrieved, 10 of them fertilized. From the 10 embryos, they froze 5 immediately and monitored the other 5 for 3-5 days. From those 5, 1 didn't make it during the observation period. 2 made it to an early blastocyst stage (5 days old) and were then frozen. The other 2 still left were put back in me 3 days after the egg retrieval. We spoke with the doctors and had requested that they be watched for 5 days their reason for putting them back in after only 3 days of observation was that those two were doing so well that in 2 more days (5 days total) they would have selected those exact two anyway to put back in. The thought is that the uterus may be a better place for them to grow than in the lab. Maybe they wouldn't have made it in the lab but back in me they would have.
Fast forwarding a bit -
After a night shift one morning, I went to the pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test. I made sure to buy the most sensitive one as I can never wait the full two weeks before my beta blood test. I need to take one as soon as possible, I don't care what the doctors (or Eddie) say. As the woman behind the counter goes to fetch the test (yes, you have to ask the pharmacist for a pregnancy test in Germany) I yelled after her "ZWEI BITTE!" ("TWO PLEASE!" for you non-German speaking folk...Volk.) She smiled kindly and maybe figured I was an excited new mom. In my head, however, I'm thinking, "it's probably going to be negative, so I better buy another one to test again in a few days." I need to keep my sanity somehow. If I were in America, I probably would have swept the whole shelf of pregnancy tests in my shopping cart. But alas, here I stand, alone, in Germany, buying two pregnancy tests, with a thick accent.
When I got home, it was hard for me not to take the test right then and there. However, they say the results are more accurate when the urine is the most concentrated. That means in the morning for normal people, but for nurses, after you sleep. So I force myself to finally go to sleep after working my night shift and when I awoke, I took the test then.
With our last attempt I didn't even get the chance to pee on a stick. I almost forgot how much it hurts to see one line. Almost. I almost forgot what a slow ache in my stomach it causes. Almost forgot how a negative pregnancy test renders me breathless for a few seconds. My face flushes - in disappointment, in anger, in shame. My heart pounds and I can feel the blood pulsate in my temples. I can hear it swish in my ears. The last pregnancy test I held in my hands was positive. (I still have it...um...is that gross?) I couldn't share my grief with anyone because I wanted to surprise Eddie for (German) Father's Day. How dumb. I even googled "unique ways to surprise expecting dads on Father's day." I took screen shots of the ideas I liked too. How dumb. How dumb, how dumb, how utterly dumb.
I took the second test one or two days later. Again, negative. Again, I sat there alone. I'm pretty sure I deleted the screen shots pf Father's Day ideas as I sat on the bathtub ledge. My reflection mocking me again "You're a fool for thinking it would work on the second try, Rach. A damn fool." I threw the test in the trash but not before secretly stashing it and its box under some other trash and used tissues. Oh crap, the bag and receipt from the pharmacy too! I almost forgot those! I shoved those in there too and put some more toilet paper on top for good measure.
After that, I remember I went to grab something to eat from the kitchen. Want to hear something messed up though? I was still chewing when I got the bright idea to go check the test again. ("But Rachel, it tells you in the directions not to read the test after 10 minutes" Yea, thanks, I know, now hush!) I went back into the bathroom, tossed the used tissues to the side, and dug out the test. Why? Because, apparently, I love torture, and I needed to read it again. "Maaaaaybe, I didn't give the test enough time. Or maybe I missed the faintest of lines?" Guys, I actually took out my cell phone and turned on the flashlight to get a better look. I tried convincing myself that there is a possibility that the lighting in the bathroom is just too poor and I may have missed it. Are you understanding the desperation?
Yea, what do ya know, still negative. I strategically placed the test back in the trash for the second time. As I passed by the mirror to turn off the light. I swear I could hear my reflection whisper and shake her head, "Idiot..."
A couple more days pass and Eddie excitedly gets the idea to take a pregnancy test. "Yoohoo..." I think, but I have to play along. I just didn't have the heart to tell him I already knew it didn't work. I humor us all - me, Eddie, God and my judging reflection - the woman in the mirror. Again, negative. Only this time, not alone. It was sweet to watch my husband try to hide his disappointment while trying to simultaneously convince me and himself that it was just too early to take the test.
Fast forward another day or so, pregnancy test numero cuatro, again, negative.
What do you do when you feel so good about another attempt but the rug gets pulled out from under you again? I thought for sure it would work because they chose the best embryos that developed so nicely they didn't even need the full 5 days to grow.
What do you do?
I'll tell ya. You do nothing. You do absolutely. fucking. nothing. 1. Because there's nothing to be done and 2. because you don't have the energy to do anything.
"Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't you dare cry. You knew this was going to happen. You knew it didn't work. You took four pregnancy tests, Rachel. Four! Two of them in secrecy and two with Eddie and all of them were negative, remember? You knew your period was going to come eventually, so suck it up." I can hear the woman in the mirror reprimanding me as I wash my hands in the sink.
Do I feel like staying in the bathroom for a while and crying? Yes. Can I? No. Because in barges my toddler. He's getting fussy and probably wants a snack or to go outside. I can't completely lose it, not yet at least. I'll have to wait for his afternoon nap to do that.
Rewinding a bit -
I left off my last blog letting everyone know we were trying again and our attempt in March was unsuccessful. I also mentioned we had used up the rest of our frozen embryos meaning our next attempt, this one, would have to be a "fresh cycle." That means more hormones, more sub cutaneous shots in the abdomen, more blood work, more ultrasounds, more pain.
(Before anesthesia, I look like crap. Reappearance of the stork in the background,)
With the hormone stimulation I produced 15 eggs. ::cluck cluck:: From the 15 eggs they retrieved, 10 of them fertilized. From the 10 embryos, they froze 5 immediately and monitored the other 5 for 3-5 days. From those 5, 1 didn't make it during the observation period. 2 made it to an early blastocyst stage (5 days old) and were then frozen. The other 2 still left were put back in me 3 days after the egg retrieval. We spoke with the doctors and had requested that they be watched for 5 days their reason for putting them back in after only 3 days of observation was that those two were doing so well that in 2 more days (5 days total) they would have selected those exact two anyway to put back in. The thought is that the uterus may be a better place for them to grow than in the lab. Maybe they wouldn't have made it in the lab but back in me they would have.
(Before embryo transfer)
Fast forwarding a bit -
After a night shift one morning, I went to the pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test. I made sure to buy the most sensitive one as I can never wait the full two weeks before my beta blood test. I need to take one as soon as possible, I don't care what the doctors (or Eddie) say. As the woman behind the counter goes to fetch the test (yes, you have to ask the pharmacist for a pregnancy test in Germany) I yelled after her "ZWEI BITTE!" ("TWO PLEASE!" for you non-German speaking folk...Volk.) She smiled kindly and maybe figured I was an excited new mom. In my head, however, I'm thinking, "it's probably going to be negative, so I better buy another one to test again in a few days." I need to keep my sanity somehow. If I were in America, I probably would have swept the whole shelf of pregnancy tests in my shopping cart. But alas, here I stand, alone, in Germany, buying two pregnancy tests, with a thick accent.
When I got home, it was hard for me not to take the test right then and there. However, they say the results are more accurate when the urine is the most concentrated. That means in the morning for normal people, but for nurses, after you sleep. So I force myself to finally go to sleep after working my night shift and when I awoke, I took the test then.
With our last attempt I didn't even get the chance to pee on a stick. I almost forgot how much it hurts to see one line. Almost. I almost forgot what a slow ache in my stomach it causes. Almost forgot how a negative pregnancy test renders me breathless for a few seconds. My face flushes - in disappointment, in anger, in shame. My heart pounds and I can feel the blood pulsate in my temples. I can hear it swish in my ears. The last pregnancy test I held in my hands was positive. (I still have it...um...is that gross?) I couldn't share my grief with anyone because I wanted to surprise Eddie for (German) Father's Day. How dumb. I even googled "unique ways to surprise expecting dads on Father's day." I took screen shots of the ideas I liked too. How dumb. How dumb, how dumb, how utterly dumb.
I took the second test one or two days later. Again, negative. Again, I sat there alone. I'm pretty sure I deleted the screen shots pf Father's Day ideas as I sat on the bathtub ledge. My reflection mocking me again "You're a fool for thinking it would work on the second try, Rach. A damn fool." I threw the test in the trash but not before secretly stashing it and its box under some other trash and used tissues. Oh crap, the bag and receipt from the pharmacy too! I almost forgot those! I shoved those in there too and put some more toilet paper on top for good measure.
After that, I remember I went to grab something to eat from the kitchen. Want to hear something messed up though? I was still chewing when I got the bright idea to go check the test again. ("But Rachel, it tells you in the directions not to read the test after 10 minutes" Yea, thanks, I know, now hush!) I went back into the bathroom, tossed the used tissues to the side, and dug out the test. Why? Because, apparently, I love torture, and I needed to read it again. "Maaaaaybe, I didn't give the test enough time. Or maybe I missed the faintest of lines?" Guys, I actually took out my cell phone and turned on the flashlight to get a better look. I tried convincing myself that there is a possibility that the lighting in the bathroom is just too poor and I may have missed it. Are you understanding the desperation?
Yea, what do ya know, still negative. I strategically placed the test back in the trash for the second time. As I passed by the mirror to turn off the light. I swear I could hear my reflection whisper and shake her head, "Idiot..."
A couple more days pass and Eddie excitedly gets the idea to take a pregnancy test. "Yoohoo..." I think, but I have to play along. I just didn't have the heart to tell him I already knew it didn't work. I humor us all - me, Eddie, God and my judging reflection - the woman in the mirror. Again, negative. Only this time, not alone. It was sweet to watch my husband try to hide his disappointment while trying to simultaneously convince me and himself that it was just too early to take the test.
Fast forward another day or so, pregnancy test numero cuatro, again, negative.
What do you do when you feel so good about another attempt but the rug gets pulled out from under you again? I thought for sure it would work because they chose the best embryos that developed so nicely they didn't even need the full 5 days to grow.
What do you do?
I'll tell ya. You do nothing. You do absolutely. fucking. nothing. 1. Because there's nothing to be done and 2. because you don't have the energy to do anything.
(See ya in heaven babies number 9 and number 10.)
Germany vs. America
360. Random and morbid fact - a crap ton of people jump in front of trains in Germany. It doesn't get reported in the newspapers but you hear it from witnesses, first responders and/or clean up crew. The news doesn't report it because they don't want others to get the same idea, I think I heard before. My personal explanation is because not many people own guns here. Moreover, in America, we don't travel by train very often.
361. There is a tower in the area that I live that seems to be the people's choice to jump from to commit suicide. It's not even that high. They've tried to build higher fences at the top to prevent it.
362. Bread and salt is a traditional housewarming gift in Germany.
363. Germans love scarves. Maybe it's all Europeans. As soon as the temp goes below 70...scarves! Scarves, scarves everywhere!
364. I live in a small village and when I go for a walk I greet the people I see. Apparently, this is not true outside of small villages. I was walking with some friends and we were pushing our strollers and when someone walked past us I would say "hello" until my friend asked me "Rachel, do you know them?" "Uh, no." "Then why are you saying 'hi?'" Oh, ok, whoops.
365. There are no local news stations on T.V. here. Eddie said there are in bigger cities. If you want to get the scoop on the goings-on in your area, you read the newspaper. #aintnobodygottimeforthat
366. Similarly, no annoying local car dealership ads.
367. Lebkuchenherzen are gingerbread hearts that are typically seen at Oktoberfest and other German festivals/carnivals. I think people wear them around their necks too. They usually have cute German sayings on them.
This one says "Please arrive punctual to all appointments."
368. Flammkuchen/Flammwaie are popular in the area where I live (southern Germany). They kinda look like really thin pizzas. I like a basic one with a creamy cheese, onions and thin strips of bacon. The name's literal translation is "flame cake." They're typically baked in wood-fired ovens.
369. When you buy ice cream in Germany, they will put your ice cream cone in one of these while you pay and they handle your money. In America, they hand them to you one by one as they are made.
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