During my first visit, I was with Eddie everyday for months. The big change of shaving his head was obvious to me but the subtle, day-to-day changes went unnoticed. It wasn't until we would go out in public when I would realize he was different. To me, he was my Eddie but to others he looked strange.
The reactions/comments of others.
The Germans...oh, the Germans and their staring. I like to think in America we are a tad bit more tasteful when it comes to staring. Something might shock me back home, I take a quick glance, turn away and try to process what I just saw while doing something else/looking in another direction. I don't know, maybe that's just me. I felt like every time Eddie and I went somewhere together the Germans would stare at him like he had three heads.
For weeks my initial reaction was defensive and aggressive.
"Oh, you wanna stare? I can stare too, lady! Here! How do you like it?!?"
I would make my eyes big too and lean in their direction until I won the staring contest (and believe me, I'm undefeated in that category).
"Oh no you don't, old man! You're not safe either. He'll get his hair back! What about you?! How long have you been suffering from male pattern baldness?"
Back off, people! Ya'll don't know about this Youngstown blood I have pumpin' through these veins. I can and will cut you! (No, seriously, my dad gave me a switchblade when I was in college and I carry that thing around in my purse. Please give me a reason to use it. Please...)
"Oh, you wanna stare? I can stare too, lady! Here! How do you like it?!?"
I would make my eyes big too and lean in their direction until I won the staring contest (and believe me, I'm undefeated in that category).
"Oh no you don't, old man! You're not safe either. He'll get his hair back! What about you?! How long have you been suffering from male pattern baldness?"
Back off, people! Ya'll don't know about this Youngstown blood I have pumpin' through these veins. I can and will cut you! (No, seriously, my dad gave me a switchblade when I was in college and I carry that thing around in my purse. Please give me a reason to use it. Please...)
I needed a T-Shirt that warned people.
As the Germans say: "Mit mir ist nicht gut Kirschen essen."
Literal translation: "It's not fun to eat cherries with me."
Actual meaning: Don't mess with me.
Eventually, I became a little more at peace with it all. I no longer walked into a public place ready for a fight. Before, I felt like Eddie's personal "pit bull" just waiting to go at someone, anyone, that would giggle, point, whisper, or stare. Instead, I walked in holding his arm with poise. I held my head high because I was PROUD to be with him.
"Yes, hello everyone. How do you do? Yes, this is my man. He has no hair, no eyelashes and no eyebrows and to you it looks weird but to me it symbolizes the strongest person in this room."
From then on I considered their stares to be stares of wonder, awe, and amazement. I told myself that they're only staring because they find him just as magical as I do.
"Yes, hello everyone. How do you do? Yes, this is my man. He has no hair, no eyelashes and no eyebrows and to you it looks weird but to me it symbolizes the strongest person in this room."
From then on I considered their stares to be stares of wonder, awe, and amazement. I told myself that they're only staring because they find him just as magical as I do.
Occasionally, I would still find myself on the defense. During a small argument, a family member once told Eddie "Yea, well, it must be nice to sit around and chill all day!"
...
...
...
...
You know in cartoons, how you see the cartoon character turn red starting at their feet and then it rises all the way up into their face until steam comes out their ears? Yea, that's what happened to me when I heard those words. The claws in my fingernails sprang out automatically with a **ttzziiing** and I had to use all my might to push them back in. The comment hurt Eddie. I saw it in his face and I sensed it in the conversation I had with him later about it. Later, I settled for a more adult approach by asking this person to apologize. To this day, I don't think they ever did.
At a street festival and old friend came up to Eddie and after a quick greeting, asked him if he was taking steroids. He had gained weight and to an untrained eye it might look like muscle mass. I giggled to myself because although he might not be shooting up the street version of "Roids" into his butt cheeks, Eddie was, in fact, on steroids ...prednisone to be exact.
During those days people had no idea they were dealing with a loose cannon. I have my father's Italian temper and my mother's sharp-as-a-knife tongue. Eddie has the muscle in this relationship but trust me when I tell you that you need to fear the little brunette on his side more than anyone. Don't mess with Eddie in any sense of the word because:
I. Will. Hurt. You.
Eddie's physical transformation.
(Feb.-Dec. 2010)
 |
| (Days before treatment started) |
(Looking angelic. He wasn't lucky enough to get "his chair" that day.)
(Easter 2010)
(This kid never Tapped Out. "An apple a day...)
(Ready.)
(On Ed's 22nd Birthday.)
(...keeps the doctor away"...psht, yea right! Reppin' OSU!)
(A short time later, Danny, the guy in the white T-shirt, was also diagnosed with cancer.)
(75% of the people in this picture are cancer survivors.)
(Oh, that amazing dog right there? Yea, he had cancer too...and died last year at the age of 3 1/2.)
(They were each other's best buddies while the other was going through chemo.)
(We spent many hours in this hallway sitting and waiting for results/appointments. The mere sight of it nauseates me.)
(More pokes.)
(Summer 2010)
I had to get used to Eddie losing his hair and shortly thereafter "Bald Eddie" but for months Bald Eddie was all I knew. It was weird when Eddie started to get his hair back. It was strange because I had to actually get used to him again with hair! And when it did come back in...it was almost black! Talk about uncanny...
During my first visit the days, weeks, and months passed. Even though I was going through one of the hardest times of my life, the world was still spinning, and time was passing as it always did...and always will. It was planned for Eddie to receive 4 cycles (3 weeks per cycle) of BEACOPP chemotherapy treatment.
(Christmas 2010)
I fast forwarded a bit so I'm going to need to back it up a sec to get back on track.
During my first visit the days, weeks, and months passed. Even though I was going through one of the hardest times of my life, the world was still spinning, and time was passing as it always did...and always will. It was planned for Eddie to receive 4 cycles (3 weeks per cycle) of BEACOPP chemotherapy treatment.
Bleomycin
Etoposid (Vepesid)
Adriblastin (Doxorubicin) - made his pee red.
Cyclophophamid (Endoxan)
Oncovin (Vincristin)
Prednisone
Procarbazin (Natulan)
During treatment for testicular cancer, Lance Armstrong refused the first chemo medicine listed (Bleomycin) because it is toxic to the lungs. Since Eddie was treated with this drug, it is recommended that he refrain from going SCUBA diving. The higher underwater pressure and O2 tanks can be dangerous for his lungs. We didn't have any plans of going SCUBA diving in the near future but it made me angry that, once again, this cancer crap had crept its grimy little tentacles into our future. Maybe on our honey moon it would have been cool to take a class and try it? Nope. Scratch that off the list. If I never knew this fact and we never went SCUBA diving in our whole married life, I'd be no different. But the fact that I know we can't irritates me. It's hard to explain but it's like it makes me sad just to be limited. Eddie now has to be careful anytime he receives higher concentration oxygen. Whenever he goes in for surgeries, we have to remind the docs that he received this drug. Smoking and his lungs are a big no-no. He's at a higher risk for lung disease after this drug...but I'd gladly take all these risks over the cancer staying in his body.
Throughout his treatment he also took meds by mouth including Natulan (cytostatic/anticancer), Prednisone (steroid), Navoban (antiemetic), Uromitexan (bladder protector), Neulasta subq (WBC builder), Diflucan (prevents thrush), Bactrim, and Tavanic (prophylactics against infections?). He also had anti diarrhea/anti constipation meds and a mouth wash to help against mouth sores. I bought him an extra soft toothbrush to protect his gums...but that toothbrush remains in the package under the sink to this day. I'd tell you he didn't floss during treatment because he wasn't allowed but...he didn't do that before or after either so...no harm no foul. ;)
Finally, at the end of the 4 cycles Eddie had PET scan and...
::drum roll::
...the results showed the treatment was working!
(Right after the docs came in and told us the tumors were no longer active)
A few days later it was time for me to leave. I was always a mess when I had to leave Eddie at the airport but this time it just felt wrong. My medical leave of absence was up and I had to go back to work. I remember standing near the passport control area in the Zürich airport and looking up at the clock. I was calculating how long it would take to get to my gate trying to maximize my time with him. I kept thinking to myself:
"Ok, I have 19 more minutes before I have to walk away."
..."11 more minutes with him."
..."4 more minutes to hug and kiss him."
..."60 seconds left to look into his eyes."
And then that was it, time was up! I had to walk away from him. It physically hurt me to peel myself from his arms. Walking away from him in the airport is an ache that I don't think I could ever describe. Just trying to type out the scene hurts my heart and brings tears to my eyes. The further I walked away from him the more the pain grew. I tried to keep my eyes on him as long as I could until I inevitably had to turn a corner. I took one last mental picture of the way he looked, said "I Love You" in sign language...and then he was gone. I remember thinking "Oh God. I can't see him anymore, I can't feel him anymore!" and I could feel the hyperventilating/panic starting. Here comes the roller coaster! I ignored the customs officer's comments "Aw, don't be sad. You'll be back soon." ::looks at passport:: "Oh, America, huh? Hm. Ok maybe not so soon." ::stamp!::
As I walked to my gate my crying...no, sobbing...no, WALIING continued and I could feel the people staring at me as I walked. Ugh, the European stares! I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry until I passed out. I could barely navigate through my blurry, stinging eyes.
Perfume saleswoman - "Don't cry, miss!"
Mmm hm, yea, right. I cried harder. At this point, I am crying so hard that I start to gag. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am gagging in the middle of the Zürich airport heading to gates E. I am an emotional wreck! The funny part was, I didn't care if I vomited all over the floor. "Good, maybe I'll get so sick I have to stay here and he has to come back and pick me up!" My thoughts were racing and my head was spinning. "God, please give me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other as I leave him."
A stranger in a business suit gives me a hug. I'm momentarily stunned but I don't stop crying. To the random man in the airport, sorry about that snot rocket I left on your suit jacket but you took that risk hugging a bawling American woman.
On the plane, I am conveniently sat behind two love birds. Each time they leaned over to smooch each other I felt the stomach acid rise into my esophagus. How can people be so happy right now when I hurt so bad? It's not fair! My skin is crawling as I sit in mysardine can airplane seat and I just want to be traquilized.
Each time the stewardess came around to offer me something to drink or the "chicken or pasta" in-flight meal I thought for sure I was going smack her. "Lady, my lips are swollen and my eyelids are puffed up like golf balls. Do I look like I want a tomato juice right now?!? The only thing I want to do was slip through that emergency exit right there and parachute back down to my fiance."
Little did I know that, do to unforeseen circumstances, I would soon be on my way back to see him in just some weeks...
132. Vacuum cleaners in Germany aren't like our push ones, but rather the stationary base with the sturdy hose attachment that you run flat along the floors. Ed likes American ones better. I hate cleaning no matter which country I'm in...so whatevs.
133. Eddie is Russian too. I learned that the way to say hello is somewhat pronounced like “Stravstvotsti.” You’re only supposed to greet someone with this once. If you see that person later on and say it again, they’ll think it’s strange. ... but I think they're the strange ones!
134. German law requires you to have a first aid kit in your car and apparently first aid kits expire! Who knew?!! When you go to get a yearly control for your car here they ask to see it and the expiration date...weirdos!
135. I would never want to be a lifeguard in Germany. I once went to a public pool on a busy, summer day and it was complete mayhem. There were no breaks…you know…where the lifeguard blows the whistle and everyone gets out for a little so they can take a break. Nope, someone could be marinating at the bottom of the pool and no one would know for hours. My kids are never leaving my side there. That situation would be a law suit waiting to happen in the States.
136. The 1 euro cent coin is the cutest coin I've ever seen. In Switzerland, the smallest coin is 5 cents. It's common to over pump at the gas station by 2 cents because you know you won’t have to pay it.
137. I once met someone at a soccer game who was from New Jersey. When I told him I was from Ohio he said loudly “Whoa, Ohio…farm land, that’s in the middle of no where!” Irritated, I reminded him that his state was two states away from mine and frequently referred to as “The Armpit of America” … too harsh? :/
138. Cinderella’s Castle in Disney is modeled after a REAL castle in Germany. See here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Neuschwanstein_Castle_Cropped_frm_PC.jpg
139. German weddings are a lot different. A lot of times the bride doesn’t wear white/ivory.
140. Instead of the traditional American Sweet 16, Germans celebrate the 18th birthday with the most pizzazz.
On the plane, I am conveniently sat behind two love birds. Each time they leaned over to smooch each other I felt the stomach acid rise into my esophagus. How can people be so happy right now when I hurt so bad? It's not fair! My skin is crawling as I sit in my
Each time the stewardess came around to offer me something to drink or the "chicken or pasta" in-flight meal I thought for sure I was going smack her. "Lady, my lips are swollen and my eyelids are puffed up like golf balls. Do I look like I want a tomato juice right now?!? The only thing I want to do was slip through that emergency exit right there and parachute back down to my fiance."
Little did I know that, do to unforeseen circumstances, I would soon be on my way back to see him in just some weeks...
America vs. Germany
131. In America, traffic lights go from red to green. In Germany, they go from red, briefly to yellow, and then to green. I’m assuming it is because there are more manual cars over here and they need that split second warning to release the clutch?
132. Vacuum cleaners in Germany aren't like our push ones, but rather the stationary base with the sturdy hose attachment that you run flat along the floors. Ed likes American ones better. I hate cleaning no matter which country I'm in...so whatevs.
133. Eddie is Russian too. I learned that the way to say hello is somewhat pronounced like “Stravstvotsti.” You’re only supposed to greet someone with this once. If you see that person later on and say it again, they’ll think it’s strange. ... but I think they're the strange ones!
134. German law requires you to have a first aid kit in your car and apparently first aid kits expire! Who knew?!! When you go to get a yearly control for your car here they ask to see it and the expiration date...weirdos!
135. I would never want to be a lifeguard in Germany. I once went to a public pool on a busy, summer day and it was complete mayhem. There were no breaks…you know…where the lifeguard blows the whistle and everyone gets out for a little so they can take a break. Nope, someone could be marinating at the bottom of the pool and no one would know for hours. My kids are never leaving my side there. That situation would be a law suit waiting to happen in the States.
136. The 1 euro cent coin is the cutest coin I've ever seen. In Switzerland, the smallest coin is 5 cents. It's common to over pump at the gas station by 2 cents because you know you won’t have to pay it.
137. I once met someone at a soccer game who was from New Jersey. When I told him I was from Ohio he said loudly “Whoa, Ohio…farm land, that’s in the middle of no where!” Irritated, I reminded him that his state was two states away from mine and frequently referred to as “The Armpit of America” … too harsh? :/
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