When it comes to all this cancer shizz I say it easily and matter-of-factly -
"My husband had cancer."
Saying the sentence doesn't really bother me but if I actually take the time to sit down and think about the details of it all, I wasn't always so nonchalant. As time passes I forget some of the feelings that I felt on those days. I suppose that's a good thing. That's the way it is intended and it means we're healing the healthy way. I don't want our struggles to define us but people ask about them all the time. I'll go down that road again if that's what people want to read about. There are a few details of that journey that I remember distinctly. I might have to break them apart into separate blogs but here it goes...
The day I found out.
::inhale::
::long exhale::
I was in my bedroom in my apartment in Westerville, Ohio. It was a February Wednesday and it must have been in the early morning judging by the way the light is coming through the window (in my mental image). I remember exactly where I was standing in my room, which direction I was facing, and which bedside lamp was turned on when my phone rang. My best friend, +Samantha Siman, was visiting me for some days and was sitting at the computer in my bedroom at the time. The number that came up on my phone was about 20 digits long so I knew it was Eddie calling but from which number, I did not know. After a quick greeting, Eddie said -
"Hey Mitz, (my nickname) it's cancer..."
He was calling from a hospital in Switzerland and said that they were prepping him for surgery...
For days he had been going through testing and doctors were throwing around percentages that I didn't even want to consider. I didn't want to crowd my swirling brain with numbers and statistics. I mean, why should I? All this cancer talk was ludicrous! Eddie was the fittest guy I knew. I'm not saying that just because he's mine; he literally was the epitome of health as a non-smoker, non-drinker, healthy-eater, two-time 1st place German Wrestling Champion, and 3rd place European Champion.
(Come on now, does that look like cancer to you?)
The guilt I felt (feel?) for not catching-on to any signs and symptoms is astronomical. I had just seen him in January and didn't pick up on it! As a nurse, how could I have missed it? I studied this crap in school and read about it in textbooks. I cared for patients with cancer. How in the heck did I miss it!?!
The anger I feel towards his primary physician for pushing away his concerns and complaints for weeks continues to this day...to this day! Every time I drive by his doctor's house/office (Yes, they are one-in-the-same. Life Lesson #333,878,545 - Do not visit a doctor whose primary office is run from the basement of his family home and 30 + minutes from the nearest hospital/blood work processing lab.) I am tempted to stop and take a big shadooby on the hood of his stupid European car. Since that can be hard to coordinate, I settle with some hand gestures. Inappropriate, yes. But does it make me feel a little better? ::snicker:: Also a yes.
During our phone conversation I had drifted into my living room. As the conversation progressed, I had to step back until the back of my knees felt the edge of my couch because I could tell they weren't strong enough to support me much longer. I was hoping I misunderstood his accented English but unfortunately, I heard him correctly. In some hours he would be going into surgery where they would go through the left side of his chest, through his lung, and remove a piece of the largest mass on his aorta. While he was still under anesthesia, they would take a bone marrow sample so they could officially stage the cancer...
And that was it. There wasn't really anything more I could say. There wasn't anything more I could do.
Words could never capture it.
At the end of the hardest conversation I've had with Eddie to-date, we wholeheartedly said "I love you" and then "Good-bye"... ::click:: ... ::fold flip-phone closed::
Aaaaand...cue panic mode!
With the phone still in my hand I hazily looked up to see Sam standing in front of me. I think I said something along the lines of-
"Um...so, Eddie has cancer?"
(And yes, it was in question form.)
"No, I don't want to. I want to go to take a nap."
(?!?!)
I don't think I was actually tired at the moment, I think my bed is just a comforting place for me and if I was asleep I wouldn't have to deal with it. If I start to act, then it means it is actually happening. I don't know, I wasn't making a lot of sense at the time and I knew it. Through blurry eyes I found the appropriate forms and started to fill them out.
Ok, so now what? Well, now I have to tell people. I wrote a very short and direct email to my nurse manager making it clear to her that I was going to be with him...no matter what. I still have the email and it's chilling how emotionless it is when, at the time I wrote it, I was a steaming, hot mess and I recall having a snot mustache as I typed it. (Attractive, I know.)
After that I took a deep breath and started with phone calls. When it came to family, I think I just called my sister. When it came to friends, I only got as far as my two best friends at work Jenn and Shanna. These people then spread the word from there because I was already running on fumes. From that point on, my waking moments were spent on the phone or sitting at a computer planning.
Occasionally, my mind would replay the phone conversation with Eddie. Did I really understand it correctly? Was there still a chance the tests were erroneous? As the conversation repeated, there was something else that stood out. After he told me it was cancer he asked-
"Does this make me a loser, now?"
(?!?!)
I quickly and instinctively answered - "No! Of course not, don't be silly." The question didn't really sink in until later. You see, when dealing with a language barrier there can be a lot of reading between the lines...especially when someone says something that, at first, seems strange and out-of-place. There can be a certain degree of decoding until you find out what they mean and what exactly they were trying to say. The words replayed over and over in my head until it hit me...what he meant was-
"Do you still find me attractive?"
"Am I still a man to you?"
Even if he had formed it this way, I wouldn't have hesitated for a millisecond. The fact that he even felt the need to question it breaks my heart over and over again.
The days after.
I hadn't talked to my mom for weeks but this little incident ended our quarrel. That Valentine's Day weekend (2 days later) my sister, Julie, and mother came down from Youngstown to Columbus...and let me tell you we got shit done!
(By "we" I mostly mean they...and yes, mother, I said "shit." I tried using "shizz, crap and shadooby" in this post but a substitute just doesn't capture it here. I can hear it now "Rachel!!! I raised you better than that!" Yes, I know and I'm sorry...well, actually, no, not really. I'm 28 and I can say the "S-word.")
If it weren't for these 3 women on those days I think I would have quivered on my bathroom floor next to the heating vent for hours/days.
My mom and Julie busted into my apartment like a S.W.A.T. team and started cleaning house (literally too)! We put all my utilities on hold. We forwarded all my mail to my sister's house. I gave them my checkbook with multiple signed checks to take care of any finances that may arise in the upcoming months (or to empty my bank account and go on a shopping spree, I really didn't care at the moment). I alerted my apartment manager about my absence and asked my friend Adrienne to keep and eye on the place for me. Any loose ends that weren't tied up yet were written on a list and I knew these women would take care of them for me. Once that was done...we went wedding dress shopping!
Oh, did I mention Eddie and I were to be wed in about 6 1/2 months? I didn't know how long I would be gone so we were worried that there would be no time to order a dress when I got back. After briefly explaining the story and the urgency of the matter, we were able to get some last minute appointments so off we went to all the bridal stores in the Columbus area in search of a dress!
Yipee! :) ... :/ ... :(
To say I wasn't in the mood would be a understatement. My mom and sister were the fire under my butt that I needed to function and get it done. 
(Nothin' like planning your future husband's cancer treatment while simultaneously shopping for your wedding dress!)
(The dress!)
I was the world's most deadbeat bride and I know it. I know it now and I knew it then but I just couldn't muster up the energy to be excited or to plan when everything was so up-in-the-air. For months I couldn't even watch the TLC show "Say Yes to the Dress." If I accidentally landed on it when channel surfing I would close my eyes and quickly change the channel. The show stressed me and angered me. The women on it were so focused on the dumbest crap. I'm fully aware that I was probably a bit bitter that my experience was so tainted. Needless to say, my mom, sister and I made the best of it and I am forever indebted to them.
The next week consisted of wrapping things up at work, packing, and more planning of Eddie's care. A lot of my down-time at work was spent faxing forms back and forth with his doctors. (Thank you to our secretary, Betsy, for helping me figure out how to fax internationally). When he told me he would be starting chemo the following Tuesday I bought my ticket right then on the phone. The two questions that popped into my head were: "Are you going to get a port?" and "When are you freezing your sperm?"
After filling out more paper work and putting Eddie on file officially labeling him as my life partner, my leave from work was approved! (If you are engaged, I recommend filing these papers now so that your fiance is officially recognized should anything of the sort come about.) I would be by Eddie's side for 3 months! It would be the longest amount of time we would spend at one time together and although I wished it were under better circumstances, I was excited to see him again. The support I received from my OSU friends/nurses was incredible. On my last day of work they gave me flowers and showered us with well-wishes. I am forever indebted to them.
(The day before I flew.)
On Sunday, February 21, I boarded a plane to fly to see my husband-to-be. Thanks to the help of my friends and family, I would be able to be with him on his first day of chemotherapy. I had no idea what I was getting myself into or what would be waiting for me when I stepped off the plane but I didn't even think twice about it...off I went!
(to be cont.)
America vs. Germany
101. Don't expect to be greeted in clothing stores like how you are bombarded here. Ed thinks it's nice. I don't think he gets that it can also be a security measure in a shopping mall. Their "Hi! How are you doing?" is code for "I see you and we're watching."
102. They eat peacocks, pigeons, and ostriches here. I've never tried any of them.
103. When you go to the movies here, there is assigned seating. The row and seat number is printed on your ticket stub. This has pros and cons...
104. Eddie really likes American chewing gum. They have Orbits gum too but it comes in the typical long thin pieces rather than the smaller, more compact pieces and cool case.
105. They have H&M in Germany too. I think it originated here...it stands for Hennes & Mauritz (not exactly American names).
106. Until recently, the firstborn son had to join the army in Germany.
107. They have parking spots reserved for women. Not pregnant women, just women in general. At first you're tempted to have a feminist debate but then you're just like "Meh, what the heck, thanks a lot!"
108. Eddie and his brother were born in Kazakhstan...yes, the country that the movie “Borat” makes fun of. His family moved to Germany when he was two.
109. German television shows don’t start on the hour or half hour like they do in the States...but rather seemingly random times like 8:40, 10:20, or 20:15.
110. Dogs are allowed in a lot more public places than they are in the US.
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