Happy "New" Year!

So you know this whole New Year's thing...how it's supposed to be a time for fresh starts and new beginnings? Well, why do I feel like nothing's new and the year always starts out the same, horrible way?

Tomorrow, we will find ourselves, yet again, on the oncology floor of the University Hospital in Basel, Switzerland awaiting results. Just stepping off the elevator sends my anxiety through the roof. To see all the swollen, bald, eyebrow-less patients walking (wheeling?) around the unit does something to me. My heart aches and I get a lump in my throat when I see others get summoned into "the room."

I can't help thinking to myself "Are they about to get slammed with the same, horrible news too?" or "Are they about to receive joyous news - that they are still in remission?" "Was that smile kind enough or do I look like I pity them?" I don't pity them. These sights simply remind me of previous years. I truly wish I could help somehow...but I can't. I'm harvesting energy for myself these days. Why do I have to empathize so much? It's draining. I have enough worry in my heart about the love-of-my-life sitting next to me...you know the one playing Sudoku on his iPhone as I try everything in my power not to burst into tears!

A week ago we noticed more lumps on Eddie's neck behind his right ear. The next day they were a tad smaller but the following day and the day after that it was just one large, solid...mass? (Sorry, I don't know how else to describe it. He doesn't let me touch it often.) It hurts him (good) but it doesn't move (not good). He hasn't been sick and has no recollection of bumping his head or anything (not good). After begging him to get it checked out for 3 days he finally called and they fit him in for an appointment within a few hours. 

We had a new doc this time but we didn't mind, as long as we got in! She was a young broad but she seemed legit. ;) After she assessed Eddie she left the room and came back with the attending physician (not good?). They drew labs, wanted an ultrasound, and told Eddie that if CT has an opening, they wanted us to go down immediately. Ed's response "Well, I don't know about today...I have school at 6..." To which I interrupted (more like erupted) - "EDUARD FRICK! You will get a CT scan and you will miss school!" Turns out there was no opening and it was scheduled in 2 days...but is this man nuts or what?

I had to go move the car because this was clearly going to take longer than we anticipated. As I reached the car my eyes met a small piece of paper under the windshield wiper...oh, just a 120 CHF (aprox. $130) parking ticket, no big deal. "I'll just tuck that right in my purse, thanks Switzerland!" I then had to find a parking garage...and you all know how stressful it is driving around inner-city Basel, Switzerland right? :)

When I located Eddie again, he was lying on a bed while the ENT doctor was doing his ultrasound...as the US technician stood behind him (not good?). The doc started to tell me that they found another suspicious node on the left side of his neck ("Oh, you mean exactly where he had surgery last Feb. leading me to believe we removed the problem nodes? The area right under the 7 in. scar that is still healing? There? Ok, gotcha'!") Like last year, this one was too deep to palpate. He then proceeded to show it me on the screen and, even though I'm in the medical profession, I admittedly had no idea what I was looking at. I just "Mmm"-ed...and dug my thumb nail into my index finger. 

As I sat on the bed rubbing Eddie's legs, they decided that now would be the time to aspirate some fluid from the right side of his neck through a needle. Eddie joked with the doc telling him that he was going to grasp his arm during the procedure. This way he could let him know if anything hurts by reciprocating the pain back to him. ::eye roll:: While I, on the other hand, tried to occupy my thoughts - "Is that a mustard stain on Eddie's shirt? We didn't even eat mustard today? How's that possible? Egg? No, not that either. Hm, weird. I wonder if it will come out...I love him." ::pan over to the doc's shoes:: "Nike Frees...good choice...probably 5.0's, red and black, ok...whoa, hold up, why isn't he wearing them all the way? My sister-in-law always wears hers with her heels stepping on the back of the shoe too. They're not slippers. I don't get it. My dad always yelled at me for doing that as a kid..probably because it looks dumb" Ok, sample obtained!

They prescribed him antibiotics and scheduled surgery in two weeks. If the meds help, they'll cancel the surgery. Yesterday was his CT and tomorrow we will get the lab, CT scan, and (hopefully) fluid sample results. Did I mention we're supposed to fly home to America in two weeks?

As we left the hospital I nonchalantly mentioned that I could drop him off at school and he wouldn't be that late. He exuberantly responded "Oh yea! Good idea!" and made a quick right turn from the center lane. I gathered some change for him to buy himself a sandwich from a street vendor. After a quick smooch, I remember thinking that I just wanted him to hurry and get out of the car...so that I could finally exhale...and cry the whole drive home...

"It can't be cancer again. It just can't..."